How to disagree respectfully? All ideas are welcome.

[quirkywords]

I have noticed especially in social media but also in real life, that people find it hard to disagree with respect.

We have seen politicians being personal and rude to each other just because they have different opinions.

I don't think it is possible for us all to agree with each other but it is necessary for us to discuss our differences without attacking the personality of the other person.

How do you disagree with people showing politeness and respect.?

I encourage you to share your ideas, even if you find it hard to disagree respectfully.

I feel for our mental health it is important for us to be aware of how our comments may affect others.

Quirky

[ecomama]

quirkywords said:

I have been wondering about how people find it hard to disagree with respect. At the moment so many people have different ideas on what is happening and why.

Sometimes people are stressed and get impatient especially in queues and arguments can start.

What do you do to be respectful when disagreeing with another?

Dearest Quirky

I've this thread from the beginning... really interesting. Thankyou for starting it.

1. My views about FB others we don't know it's a no brainer - I don't care. I don't care if people agree or disagree with me. I do not seek nor need their 'approval'. I ditched FB a while back and am far better off for it, I only joined it to be part of underground groups anyway lol - that need passed.

2. In my circle of friends / family that I CARE about maintaining a relationship with, Stephen Covey's advice is awesome.. "Seek first to understand THEN to be understood" from his books Habits of Highly Effective People & Families. These are freaking awesome btw.

Ultimately I simply don't care if people disagree with me. NO ONE can agree with me on every value I have & that's okay! I appreciate diversity. I am certainly only driving my own life & would not want the power over other's lives to any extent tbh.

Because of the above I have NOT created my own "echo chamber" lol. I have many friends that have differing POVs & that's OKAY!
Croix pointed out earlier, it's "ok to a point". I won't stand cruelty to children or animals. I report these immediately.
I will ALWAYS be an UPstander in these cases in place of a bystander.

I also cannot stand racism, yet I have 1 friend for c50y who I deem as racist. We have robust conversations when this arises. She's seeing the ill in her ways though still has some "weeding" to do. I LOVE HER but will not let a racist comment pass with pointing it out immediately & directly. This goes for anyone I know.

As for people who speak to me disrespectfully?
I've reflected on this in the past. I believe I wasn't showing respect to MYSELF at the time by allowing this to occur.
If it happens now? .. occasionally it does... I ask the person to leave my home / I leave their home / or the biggest one if I'm up for it, ask..."Why do you speak to me with such disrespect when I show you respect at all times?"
Sometimes the answers surprise me.
For the past 4y or so they offer an apology. (Except for out of line Lawyers in Court lol... the Judge pulled those creatures up for me! lol).

EM

[quirkywords]

EMThanks for your considered and detailed reply.

"Why do you speak to me with such disrespect when I show you respect at all times?"

That is a great thing to say.

I like that you seek to understand others then seek to be u derstand.

[ecomama]

Hi Quirky

Yeah I ask that ONLY if I'm up for it ie the climate of the conversation is "calm".

If it's overtly rude and disrespectful the best thing to do is exit immediately.

Do not be pulled into their black vortex.

People need time to cool down. Hopefully reflect - but we can't always bank on this lol - just separate themselves from an entanglement that can exponentially grow in harsh comments and worse.
No one gets anywhere IME when it's become so dark.

And truly we have to think about why we need people to agree with us?
When it comes to work policies and Laws well the answer is simple - it's stuff we CAN disagree about but take your comments to people who can change those not me lol.

But if close ones disagree it CAN be a black and white area with clearly stated boundaries eg it's my house and no drugs on site end of.
Consequences? I'll call the Police and you can phone your parents from the police station. You'll be banned for a year minimum (yeah a few kid's friends have stayed away because of this and they should!).
Boundaries clearly stated and understood help out here - a bit like a Household Policy lol.

The grey areas with close ones are more challenging .... I just tap into my feelings because I'm fine with having an uncomfortable conversation lol, but when I feel like it impinges on my feelings way too much then I try to breathe through it.... if it turns toxic I STOP it immediately. Absolutely NO NAME CALLING. It's in the sewer at that stage.

Is your posing this question more to do with ONLINE comments or in house ones Quirky?

EM

[quirkywords]

hello all

EM, both really, I think people often can be rude online as they can be anonymous. In real life I can see people getting upset and then very verbally abusive just because someone disagree with them,

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky...and everyone..

My thoughts on disagreements is..Let it go..

Why disagree anyway..if your right or wrong..the other person that’s disagreeing with you, isn’t going to change their mind...They believe they’re right...well let them...It’s not going to hurt anyone....To me it really makes no difference at all....because the cause of that disagreement will be forgotten tomorrow, but the words spoken will never be forgotten...

Does it really matter who’s right or whose wrong?...in everyday life issues.....Not talking about court cases etc..

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Grandy,

One cna let things go but what if some one is attcking you personally and being verbal abusive, it is hard to let go. In my experience if you are polite it makes people angry so walking away can work.
I dont think one should get away with being rude and mean.

[ecomama]

I love Grandy's assessment of how to deal with people with differing opinions.

I said to my kids the other night "I would rather be happy than be 'right'"... this was in relation to teaching my kids how to drive defensively when nutters are on the road doing stupid things.

If people are disrespectful then they aren't really welcome in my inner circle. I simply don't need people like this. It's taken decades to get my "inner circle" and we do disagree but it's with love and respect when we do.
A "live and let live" attitude all the way.
I don't think my way is the RIGHT way, it's simply my way. Theirs is theirs and right for them. All good.

If people say something I disagree with then I usually shrug my shoulders - it's a "whatevs" thing for me.
Most of the time I don't even speak.
UNLESS it is about the biggies - cruelty and racism. Barely happens.

I hope you don't have a bunch of disrespectful people in your family Quirky.
That would be a "boundaries" thing for me.

If it's online then I think it's easier to block / unfriend or whatever people do online to get them out of online sight.
Social media is full of cowards in "cheap seats" being vitriolic to others as a past time.
It's not the REAL world.

Brene Brown's "The Call to Courage" is an apt presentation to watch over and over.
"It's not the critic that counts...."
It's those daring greatly by putting themselves OUT THERE.... and their psychological strength and resilience comes from paying zero attention to "the haters". But first allowing themselves to be vulnerable and showing their courage in doing so.

You don't need everyone's approval or acceptance, just the people who count to you, those who love you just the way you are.

Love EM

[quirkywords]

Thanks EM

You don't need everyone's approval or acceptance, just the people who count to you, those who love you just the way you are.

thanks EM

my hardest task is to be respectful and tolerant of people whose ideas I find distasteful, mean and harmful. I know people have a right to their ideas but it is hard.

[ecomama]

Hi quirky, you're powering on the forums tonight!!

Yes ofcourse, I get that some people are very mean, distasteful, disrespectful and harmful with their words. (and actions)...

Why are you in their presence?

Even when we surround ourselves with the best people we know, there will still be stuff said that we don't like.

We don't have to be the "Mean Lookout Police" - the tried and true awful people are better off a long way away from us.

Walk away.

You don't need to engage. It can really lower who you are as a person.

I have those few things I will not let pass by that are very important values to me as a human and I am compelled to be an UPstander then - racism, knocks against people with disabilities, sexism, cruelty to children and animals and a few more.

I call that out.

Other than that I usually leave a "pregnant pause".... when you do this that person's words hang in the air like a poisonous vapour lol and alot of times THEY say "Oh that wasn't very nice was it?"... and I say "no it wasn't".

EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM and Quirky

I think sometimes I find it hard when I have a values clash with someone, like if they are not supportive of mental health issues. Those opinions harm others and discourage help-seeking. My therapist said in one case I should try and educate the person, which I did. Who knows if it influenced them at all - but I felt better.