How to be less self-critical?

[sbella02]

Beautiful forum members,

I don't usually start discussions on here, I'm generally replying to people. But this has long been something I've struggled with, and while it's great to give out my own advice on this, I don't necessarily follow it like I should. I'm wondering if others may struggle with something similar and have anything insightful that they'd like to share. Often others will have advice that I hadn't even considered, which I suppose is what I'm trying to find. 

I've had issues with my self-esteem and self-deprecation for a long time, well into my teenage years. I'm now several years into adulthood, and I don't know whether I thought these feelings would magically disappear once I turned 18, but they still seem to be an aspect of my life that holds me back in a lot of areas. I have a tendency to be quite self-critical, particularly when it comes to something creative that I've produced. I'm a writer first and foremost, but love to indulge in a bit of singing, songwriting, piano, painting... anything that involves using my brain in a creative way. I'll look back on work that I've done in previous years quite fondly but at the time, it can be difficult to recognise when I've produced a piece of work that's high quality. 

I suppose you'd call it some variation of "imposter syndrome", but I was updating my resume the other day and looking through my list of achievements. I've been told that it's an objectively long list spanning back to early high school, but I found myself thinking things like "I only did the bare minimum for this activity" or "this didn't take much effort, anyone could've done that one" or even "I didn't deserve this because I did it the night before". 

I don't quite know how to get myself out of these thinking traps. Friends and family will tell me when they think something I've done is impressive or exciting, but I have trouble recognising within myself when I have achieved something great. Not really sure what's caused this either, but I'd love to hear whether others feel the same with things, or if anyone has any stellar advice for me.

Sorry for the impossibly long post, I'm quite the rambler. 

My love to the forum community, SB

[white knight]

Hi SB, great to hear from you 

Being critical of ourselves can be for many reasons, the most common is

• low self esteem
• seeking perfectionism
• trying to reach others expectations
• responding to criticism
• lack of praise
• lack of self praise
• feeling a failure
• symptoms of poor mental health

What I find fascinating about some of these reasons is the fact that many of them if not all are created by other people or, reasons beyond our control. However, human interaction has a price and that price in regards to this topic means we have to take the good (friendships, love, care etc) with the bad (criticism) which for sensitive people we take the bad on board, harbour it and turn it towards ourselves.

We should learn to rely less on others and more on ourselves for support. In the following thread this is clear- self support.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Reaching milestones deserves self praise and indeed rewards. When I completed building my first home I celebrated with my own gift. I repeatedly told myself I won over many obstacles.

Finally, I am a poet ( https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/bb-social-zone/the-poetry-corner-post-your-poems-in-here/td-p/54... ). Writing poetry needs to be completely correct with rhyme and length of verse etc. Get one verse wrong and its ruined. This makes you a perfectionist. Is perfectionism really bad? Like everything excess isnt good. So you might need some tweeking of your self criticism but not full scale changes. 

Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hey sbella! So nice to see you beginning a thread! I'm SUPER excited to see how you unfold YOU and stun yourself lol... because you are stunning in your support, so I know you're that way IRL. 

I have no idea where to start with what you've written so ..... 

I want to start with what was calling to me. 
See how in paragraph 3, you wrote those 3 thoughts about your work? (In quotation marks)

Well hello! That's all because you can flow in the stream of creativity so beautifully! So directly, you're so in tune. Just a conscious / sub conscious stream and POW there it is. 

Why on earth you'd think these thoughts about your creations are negative is beyond me. 
It's WONDERFUL! 

Yes I'm serious lol. Can you do this now? Perhaps look at this all with a positive view? 

2nd. SNAP. Decades ago I was writing my Resume for a really high status position. Nah I would never have applied for it in a million years lol... the Ad had run for 18 months and no one was chosen from all those interviews. 
I just ignored it all. 
Then someone I knew working for the Federal Govt, contacted me directly and said "We've been WAITING for you to apply for this position, WHERE ARE YOU?" omg... ummm here? 
I applied for the job because SHE MADE ME. Yup. That was the ONLY reason. 

I wrote my Resume & was gobsmacked at my achievements. It actually destabilised me tbh, so I sought my first 1:1 Psych sessions lol.
I wonder if this is what's been going on with you? 

We can talk more about your own attitude towards yourself. 
For now, know we ALL know you're brilliant, your family, friends and everyone here in the BB forums. Just get out of your own way and see it too, you'll be fine lol. 

Tons of love EMxxxx

[quirkywords]

Sb

I relate to what you wrote. 
my post looks at the inner critic who akways seems to judge us,

Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

You may find it useful.

i find I try to ignore my critic who tells me my achievements were a fluke. 
take care Quirky

[smallwolf]

the inner critic and self-criticism.... 

two ways of looking at this is the black dot on the page and in my case finding a way to stop the -ve talk. Btw, I still struggle with compliments and my solution in relation to that was that on receipt of compliment, to say

thankyou, fullstop

yes, both words. That helped (for me) to stop the -ve talk. Or if I mistake was made, "I am doing the best I can, I am only human". We each have to find what works for us here. 

Just on the black dot ... put your +ve qualities around the black dot. It's easy to focus on the dot if that is all you can see. 

Lastly, on perfectionism ... one good resource is here ...

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Perfectionism

Good luck. It takes time to the change ourselves but I am sure you will make inroads.

[sbella02]

I'm overwhelmed with all the support on this thread, thank you everyone, really. I love this community so much.

TonyWK, I really like the posts you've linked, and how poetry is a good means of exploring perfectionism in a healthy way. You've raised how it's important to learn how we can rely on ourselves rather than others for support, and I also agree with this. I'm slowly learning how to do this, but I suppose it's more of a challenge than I originally thought. Introspection and spending time with yourself helps, I've found.

EM, your words are always so considerate and articulate. I appreciate the compliments, and your story about applying for a job made me smile so much. 

Quirky, I do remember that post, I'll have another read over it. I see a lot of value in what you're saying, that our inner critic can be tamed if we speak to them; I've been trying recently to say positive affirmations, which can sometimes be super helpful. 

Smallwolf, I too struggle with compliments, especially if I'm at a low point with my self-esteem. They sometimes feel uncomfortable, and I don't really know how to respond. I have a list of automated responses I've started to use now. I also had a look at the resource you've suggested, I like how it's structured in modules, it's good for my routine-craving brain. 

Thank you everybody, much love. 

SB

[ecomama]

Hey sbella, of course you're very welcome. The kind, generous, loving support you give to others on the forums is next level lol! If there's any time we can all give back to you, it's gonna happen lol. 

I was thinking about the convo around self-criticism etc. 

Is this habit formed because of "perfectionism"? 

Really curious about this. 

I notice people here and IRL that hail perfectionism as though it's some kind of POSITIVE thing. 

When all I see is stressed out people in front of me, full of anxiety endlessly trying to ATTAIN perfection. 
When it's an impossible goal. 

I learnt today that striving for excellence is the opposite of perfectionism. 
Ain't THAT interesting! 

Is that what's going on here and why people brought this up? 

Love EM

[Fern42]

Hi Sbella,

I feel like I might be able to add something to this. I have once struggled with this myself!

Someone once said to me that when you are in the middle of thinking critical thoughts, in that moment, ask yourself would you talk to your friend that way? For example, consider in that moment is this something I would say about a friends piece of artistic work or would I doubt their abilities? If not, try treating yourself like you are your own friend. You deserve that care and support you would give your friend, so try to give it to yourself. Stopping yourself in those moments when you are having critical thoughts may certainly help break that pattern!

[sbella02]

EM, you're too sweet. Thank you.

I agree, I think people so often (myself included) see perfection as something positive, when I think it's anything but. I saw something online the other day where this girl was saying how her dad would always ask her and her siblings when they were younger to share one thing that they've failed at that day, as a way of teaching them that failures are okay, normal, and can be great learning experiences. I like this mindset, and I'd love for this to be something that I can also live by and reflect on regularly. 

I would say that yes, this self-criticism habit is rooted in perfectionism for a lot of people. Well, for me anyway, and a lot of other people I've spoken to in real life. 

LOVE the idea of striving for excellence. Or even striving to learn, regardless of the outcome. 

Hannj, I really like your take as well. That's so true, that if we wouldn't talk to our friends in that manner, we shouldn't be talking to ourselves like that. Thank you for sharing!

SB

[ecomama]

Hey sbella, makes us think and research lol. 

There's a relationship between us who show bravery and courage. We who choose to "live in the arena" what ever that means to each of us (ie showing up) AND the measure of our willingness to be vulnerable. 
Included in this mix is the knowledge that we WILL fail at times. Not could fail, will fail. 

So once we know that to BE brave and courageous with our lives, we will feel vulnerable and we will fail at times. This is the ONLY way we'll know that sweet feeling of success and when we don't, at least we dared greatly. 

Those of us that show resilience are more willing to give it another shot! Lol. 

That's a summary of Brene Brown's talks on courage and vulnerability. She has AWESOME Ted Talk on YT and so many discussions with others on YT too. 
EMxxxx