House, or Home? The usefulness of comfort or chaos...

[Forrest]

The place I emotionally think of as home is being renovated, and it’s been looking like a warehouse for the best part of a year now (though there are still rooms with beds and tvs that are mostly functional, though cluttered.) I’m lucky that I have somewhere else to go. That hasn’t always been the case, so my gratefulness for the option is steeped in vivid awareness of other modes of living. However, my somewhere else to go has things about it that have me holding my breath at times too, which means I can’t entirely relax continuously in either place, and am darting between them, trying to catch the best times of day and phases of my moods that will best utilize what they have to offer.

It’s exhausting, but also motivating on some days, as keeping myself busy and moving rather than nestled in a dark room binging shows can sometimes be helpful (though sometimes the distraction and nurturing of escaping activity is entirely appropriate too.)

The exhausting part, is the disorienting sense of trying to feel like I'm arriving home, when I walk in the door. Somehow both places are home, which also means neither of them are. I'm reminded of children of divorce I've witnessed who, without fail, severely misbehave immediately on the first day that they arrive at their "other home" (no matter which one it is); a sign that they are unsettled and having trouble to adjusting to the leaving of their home and trying to think of the new location as home once again. A motherly lady I respect that I was discussing this with once, commented that the first day should have no heavy expectations, and be a day of unpacking, talking, hugging, getting reacquainted, and just settling in.

I find myself trying to apply this concept to my current situation, though it has to be a shorter transition since I'm moving around every day, but instead I look for little ceremonies like unpacking whatever I'm lugging back and forth, putting away groceries, and making the bed where I'm going to sleep. I've been through times like this before but this time there are less places to escape to if I want to ditch both realities because of what's going on in the world now.

I am starkly aware right now of the way so many little possessions and comforts (which also represent options for activity) make up the difference between a house and a home. I think there is a stigma on valuing material things that makes this seem like ones values are shallow, but these can make or break mental health at times.

[white knight]

Hi Forrest, welcome

An interesting post. You're a "thinker" and us thinkers are deep, inquisitive and dare I say- intelligent! However ever silver lining has a dark cloud and we can be our own worst enemies by over thinking things.

You analogy of the children to another "home" is a good one. But what we need to do is put in place 1,3,5,10 year plans and part of those plans is the ideal "home". I did this in 1996 following divorce. My ideal was to build my own home as I couldnt then afford to buy one but could buy a block of land and a kit home. The "ideal" included- wildlife, distance from neighbours (60m), low maintenance, vegie garden, berry garden and the like. I did it as part of my own 2 year plan.

Prioritising is essential foe sound mental health. An extreme of this is my 1st wife. We had two small kids, I worled 3 jobs. She, with good intentions cleaned the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush in the grout. Of course it took her 14 hours and in the meantime I was left with the home and parental duties. It could be described as obsessional but also inconsiderate. Rome wasnt built in a day as they say.

Another lesson I learned was prior to building my home I lived in a 10 foot long caravan. By the time I moved into my home with spa, I lie there soaking up the wonder of the difference in that caravan and the roof I raised. This is quite normal. My ex FIL fought in WW2. When I cooked him a meat and 3 veg meal once he got angry- "we shouldnt live like kings". He was of course badly effected by the war and hunger. 

Essentially I'm tactfully suggesting that rather than worry about what "home" is, it is a roof. The old saying "I felt sad for having no shoes until I saw a man with no feet."

However, I find your thoughts fascinating and I hope I've given some reflection on an alternative thought process.

TonyWK