From the other side

[lostone73]

I really dont know where to start or even if this will get past the moderators , but i wish to tell me story .

It all started 20 years ago when i fell sick with a virus of some sort . I had seen many doctors and was told i had depression which seems to be a doctors way of telling you that they dont know whats wrong with you .I was upset there is no doubt but i dont not believe that i was depressed then and i do not believe it now .

Over the next 16 years i took my pills like a good little person . There were times i stopped and started them at will .When i stopped i just stopped.  I never really thought much of them other than this was a pill i was to take when things got hard. This was the pill that was to make me feel better when i felt bad . I was never once questioned about these pills . I simply went in got my script and left.

I was now labeled as mentally ill and this would follow me to this very day.

Over this time i had a range of health symptoms that i would see doctors about , odd ones that where never answered to where they had come from. But now i know .

You see a bit over four years ago i went thought a rough patch in life . I had also stopped my drugs as i didnt need them , in the last 16 years i had never felt depressed and i didnt then . So because i was living so far from town i simply stopped talking them. I started to get these wierd symptoms again and in fact they were worse this time for what ever reason . In fact after my vision split on me one day i went to hospital. I was informed that i now had anxiety , something i had no clue what it was.

I was handed two little pills and a script to take other 1 3x a day . I left the hospital happy , in fact as high as a kite.

The next day i felt no better so i took the pill from my script , not even knowing what it was . This is when my nightmare that is still going today started .

You see it was a medication my body did not like it . My life changed this day and in a matter of days my whole life feel apart . I gave my house back to the bank , i move into town because the shear fear of living in the bush i could not handle . Within days i would sit and cry all day and that was only when i could not sit still because i was so anxious. 

For the next 3 months i was treated by our local mental health team and many doctors . I would question why i felt the way i did but was simply dismissed as having anxiety and depression . The anxiety and depression that i never had before this drug. I was simply told to keep taking the drug and things would get better . But it never did . In fact if you could think of your worse five minutes with anxiety then that is what every second of every day was like for me for 3 months .

You see because i was being treated by people that are meant to be trained i simply dismissed my gut that there was something wrong.  I simply kept taking my misery pill three times a day. After things did not get better but in fact started to get worse i started to do my own research. I started to read about the pill i was taking and found out that not only was i having a bad reaction to it i was also addicted to it . Addicted to one of the most poisonus thing i could be taking . I had to get off it and as soon as i could .

I contacted someone in Melb about reducing and i started on the 10% . The first time was a nightmare with horrible pain . The second time was beyond a nightmare and i ended up in the ER. I saw a doctor and explain what was happening and what i was trying to do . You know what he told me ? Well keep taking it .

The next morning was the day i will never forget . I sat on the kitchen floor , ready to end it all, the pain was that bad . I spoke with god , something i had started to do . I heard something tell me to just get to the door . I had a appointment with mental health but  i could not move . I rang my Mother in law to drive me the 300 meters down the road and crawled to the door . I made it was told i would get to see a doctor that could help and he did in one way .

I explained that i was addicted to a very short life medication and what had happened when i tired to cut . He said i should never have been on them and replaced it with a long life one . I stopped the medication within a week with no problems . Or so i thought.

I never felt well after this happened but again i was told again and and again that it was the anxiety and depression and this was all that was ever addressd . In hours of talk and $1000 of dollors all that was every addressed was the anxiety and depression . No matter how many times i yelled that i was never like this and it had nothing to do with my past . I was simply anxious from the symptoms and depressed for having to deal with them and what it had taken.

Over the next four years i again believed the people that were experts . I even ended up trying different drugs but after a few days of calmness my anxiety symptoms would go though the roof . Again i was told to just keep taking them but would have to quit after a month with shocking symptoms . It would take me months and months to come back down to any side of normal . The normal was living with mild symptoms . I was being driven crazy on why this was all happening and of course this was making me depressed and anxious.

But now today it all comes together . I am working with a great man . One that is highly trained and he tells me that the whole mess is caused from the drugs that where given to treat the problem that was never there .

I was withdrawing for the first drug when i was given a second drug . These second drug nearly killed me and even when i stopped i had symptoms of my brain trying to heal . But because this was never addressed i was given drugs yet again which effected me yet again . Over and over this happened for four and a half years . Because i was never listened to , because i was simply dismissed by the so called experts that i was mentally ill.

I am so angry , so sad and so ruddy anxious as yet again i come down from another drug . The symptoms are shocking and there is not a day that goes by where i wish that i was not dead . But you know what really upsets me? Yes what happened to me may be rare but it happens and people should know about this . In fact some of it is not that rare. In fact there is a post here that i read that is a persons who brain is adjusting from stopping drugs . It is not the illness returning , it is the brain adjusting from the drugs that where feeding it , the same as happens with smoking , drinking and any addiction when removed .  What also should happen is that the people treating should know about it because a bad reaction matches the symptoms of the problem and when it comes down to it the only person that can tell the differance is the one it is happening to .

A very bad reaction happens in 100 people in 100000 . My question is where is the support for us? I not only have to live with all this , all the PTSD it has caused , all the symptoms why my brain trys to get back to normal but also with most experts that have little clue telling me that it never happens . Research it , it happens . Luckly not often but it would have been nice to have been told this four and half years ago so i could have made up my own  mind and not tricked into this hell.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear lostone73,

That's a story and a half.     You're right sometimes the drugs to treat us do the opposite or, as you put it, try to kill us.    I remember a bad reaction (anaphylactic) and having a stroke (which is bad enough) but then they gave me a drug I was allergic too.   I'm sure we never get that damaged part of our brains back.

The whole time I read your thread I was thinking - someone should ask this person what he lives like now, whether he/she's looking forward to summer, did he get a job, have a partner or end up going somewhere for a break from the years of pain.    May I be that someone ?

Adios, David.

[lostone73]

Howdy David .

Thanks for your reply.

The first 16 years i never took any notice of things .

 The symptoms where just part of life and i lived with them . The one thing i cant understand is if it happened once i would call it just unlucky but for it to happen again and again and even to this day many want to tell me that it is not the problem, that its all mental and i need to get past it.

It is just so common that mind drugs can send someone the other way but yet so many dont see it .Only one person has asked me what i was like before and when i said happy they just shocked their head in what had happened to me.

 I am not against or for drugs but i do believe they should only be given when someone is watched for the reaction that could happen. I blasted my doctor a few weeks back and he is finally understanding what i am talking about . For the first time is four years i am starting to believe that at least there is someone listening to me .

After the benzos it went down hill. I guess i am very lucky that i have got this far. I have grown so much from it but its not something that i would ever want to go though again .

 Life today is very much different than 4 years ago , It has effect not just me but also my kids and wife who just dont know what to do . I have rebuilt my life in the last four years but it has been hard and even today i feel like i am just holding on . Its hard to look forward to anything . The only thing at this stage is that i hope i make it though the day and that i get a good night sleep . I cant help but think as i am about to go to sleep that i don't want to as i have to face it all again in the morning .

 I try to tell myself that it is just the drugs and that this too shall pass . I am getting better very slowly .But its hard. Its the normal 3 forward and two back . The one thing i really have to learn to deal with is the bitterness i feel behind it all . This alone is adding to my symptoms and something i am trying to work on .

 It is not something that i would wish on anyone but i will come out the other side one day

I have to say that the worse thing is that there is no one to talk to if i have a bad day , i could ring the mental help line but all they would tell me is i have anxiety and depression . Wonder why .

 cheers kev