Some of us endure family division. It could be said that some also, due to living with extreme thinking and behaviour, are more likely to disown family and friends than those without a mental illness. This post is not to delve into the justification of same but to cover the survival aspect of our decision making or if disowning was the decision of other upon you.
When a young adult I saw the possible division of family as really traumatic. How could I survive without my niece that joined a religious cult? or my mother due to her narcissism?, or my school friend that judged my depression as an act of God? As I aged I slowly realised that family isnt who you share blood, otherwise we'd be stuck with them forever regardless of toxicity. Family is whom you choose and that has one big advantage- compatibility.
Christmas seem to highlight these issues. What I find amusing (sorry) is how xmas after xmas some people endure the same arguments with the same relatives ...all because they are "family" and for the whole year in between they fume/dwell over the same negativity and plan what they'll say next xmas in combat. Why?
Well some of us move on from all of that and find loving people to enjoy our time. This is one wall of the fortress of survival because we will find our company is more enjoyable by keeping out the tension and keeping in the loving caring ones. That balance is important for harmony and that is important for our mental health.
Full rejection of family and friends that dont comply with this harmony isnt the only answer. If you can you should try to maintain a half way friendship- see them as acquaintances which could mean a "hello/ goodbye have a happy new year". Some of these people might be thinking the same and is quite content to keep it at that especially if the end result is enough to please the older members of a family longing for the whole family to be united. But remember, while you can attempt this if it doesnt work and there is conflict then it isnt your fault to remain absent from such gatherings. It is a right.
Fortress of survival the original thread dealt with how, due to upbringing, we dont develop a screening of people and therefore allow anyone to enter our lives only to get hurt. Fortress of survival part 2 dealt with implementing filters to allow some to enter the gates of your life. Here in part 3 I'm suggesting to edge out family and friends that are not compatible and not endure their wrath at gatherings.
TonyWK
