Feeling worse/relapse without any trigger

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I read somewhere once that "relapse" was not a good word because it suggests failure of some sort to keep up a healthy routine. I think that's true, but I can't think of a better word so i'll just use it anyway.

Mental health improvement is not a straight path as many of us have experienced. It's full of ups and downs. Often, we are triggered by things which bring us back down. Sometimes, we just feel worse without there being a trigger.

It's really important to see these things as part of the overall process of improvement, but it can be very easy to get down on ourselves and see it as a step back.

Do you have any examples to share where you have just felt abnormally worse even without a trigger? Do you have any strategies to avoid or mitigate the effect of these?

I often just overall feel mentally tired and don't want to keep up good habits. These thoughts worry me because then I start to think that I'm just faking it and that bad habits are my norm. A lot of self-doubt typically creeps in. I do not have any high-tech strategies - I just try to distract until the thoughts go away, but sometimes I wonder whether I am just delaying the inevitable.

James

[Just Sara]

Hi James; thankyou for this important thread topic;

I've relapsed quite a few times in the past which I now understand is a normal progression/transition of recovery. Their effects ranged in levels of intensity and time it took to recover, or at least find enough balance to cope.

I chose to write down my triggers as I identified them, which was enlightening as many were interwoven with each other. When I learned more and became more confident, I included strategies to cope, people to avoid, how my body reacted to specific triggers and then changes in my behaviour that helped me feel more in control.

Writing one paragraph (above) doesn't do justice to the emotional turmoil experienced during these 'episodes'. I remember saying to myself things like; "Oh no, here we go again. When will it bloody end!?" or "Please God; I just want it to stop" thru blubbering tears of fear which of course made things worse.

I was lucky (or unlucky depending on perspective) to live alone and not work so I could focus solely on my illness for as long as it took. I was obsessed with recovering and finding that oh so precious moment I'd be free of symptoms. I think I saw it as a path to being 'cured'. 😕

It's been 4 yrs since my breakdown; the day my brain broke. I'm self aware, focused, informed and have an array of strategic tools, yet just this week, I fell behind.

The positive in this, is that I can now recognise an episode when it's approaching and identify the trigger due to not having the crippling fear I used to feel. I know who I am, have plans in place and look inside myself for answers.

It's an ongoing process that no doubt will be with me for the duration of my life. But hey, I'm a better person for it. Just one more thing; this forum has been my saving grace. Without having this space to purge my fear and grief, I wouldn't be here...literally.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

Oops! Forgot to address the 'invisible' trigger aspect.

In my experience, there's 'always' a trigger even though the cause frustratingly eludes me. Those episodes are the most difficult to cope with causing confusion, fear and trepidation.

The most common ones were due to transference, (taking on other's problems) dissociation (zoning out to avoid feelings or dealing with issues) or ignorance. (Not being taught to approach or respond to situations functionally) I didn't know me or have the tools to identify the problem, which was usually about me not being true to myself.

Hope this makes sense;

Sez

[Just Sara]

Gasp!!!

I wish we could edit posts when we remember other stuff to include.

Another very important invisible cause of 'anxiety' is exercise or anything raising adrenaline levels. This has nothing to do with an emotional cause!

We mostly think symptoms have to be about our thoughts or trauma for instance, but sometimes it's just too much coffee or an aggressive workout at the gym. What other physical causes could we cross off on our list of possible triggers?

You're probably already sick of seeing my avatar, but I didn't want to miss anything.

Sez (Sorry)

[james1]

Hello Sez

Thank you for your reply(ies)! 🙂

I can certainly identify with that feeling of dread when you can feel a turn coming on. I used to say that it was the worst part - that feeling of "oh no, I'm here again". It's part dread, part panic, and a big part (at the time) a feeling of shame as if it was my fault.

But, as you say, the wheels have been turning and I don't think of it as my fault anymore. It's just part of the process. I don't even use the word cured anymore because I don't see it as such - I see it as learning how to control my emotions, just as any other non-mentally ill person would. Mine just happen to be a bit stronger at times and need more effective tools.

As for invisible triggers - perhaps you are correct. I am yet to learn what all of mine are which might be why I have no idea why it can feel bad sometimes.

I also agree that sometimes it can be other things that aren't even really triggers. General anxiety or stress. Bad sleep. Physical sickness. Perhaps it's not the end of the world when we get mentally ill for seemingly no reason at all 🙂

James

[Just Sara]

Hi James;

I completely identify with what you're saying. I think sometimes it seems like a relapse has occurred, but it's usually the result of stress, worry or a physical response to a workout at the gym for instance. As you say, that panic of 'dread' sets in and increases symptoms which 'feels' like a relapse is happening.

Last night I had an anxiety attack; the first one in months. I called a Lifeline consultant and talked for 1/2 an hr which really helped me zone in on the cause. I have to sell my precious car due to financial problems. Living alone with rare opportunities to talk about things with others made this decision really difficult.

Old habits of an inner monologue saying 'I'm doomed!' or 'this is the end!' can be deadly so it was a positive step to call Lifeline. They were totally there for me; to help me sort thru my tears, confusion and worry. I now realise I can buy a small used runaround to keep my independence and still address financial needs.

This anecdote is a prime example of how damaged MH can interfere with life. It doesn't have to be past trauma/s that cause our symptoms, just making important decisions can send us into physical anxiety due to the brain being so vulnerable. I'll never be the same person I once was; I've accepted this and forgive my lack of what once was my ability to strive under pressure.

You sound like you're really hard on yourself James, this is so common among sufferers. Self blame will wound you, make you feel small and ineffective, but that's so far from the truth. You face situational responses that non sufferers would absolutely freak about. That's where you shine! 🙂

Anxiety/depression are illnesses that damage the brain. It's like the ligaments that tore in my knee decades ago. It never worked the same, but I learned to live with it. I can't play sports, but I can play a mean game of pool, card games or referee a basketball game.

Adjusting to a damaged brain means finding tools to cope and ways of addressing stress that others might see as futile. We get it; that's all that counts.

Have a great day!

Sez