Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

white knight

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

white knight

Good post rx.

The only other thing that comes to mind... if you do consider getting back together is to plan radical steps away from things that put pressure on you both in the past.

Eg say living in a city contributed towards her stress then be radical and find a suitable small to medium town. A close friend once did and they moved from Parramatta to Cowra, never looked back. Same if her or your family members put you both under pressure, if careers cause stress change them... whatever it takes.

Google: beyondblue if all else fails- be radical

Some relationships have 2 or 3 things that prevent a stable loving partnership from succeeding. Eventually those things erode the love and if you do end up together the bad memories of trying to fix them rear their ugly heads during arguments. True stability is never achieved. So those few big road blocks must be squashed. The gf I had put me through bad times with indecision, if we Eventually married I'd always remember the struggle of overcoming of her not making up her mind. It's an example of a need for radical change, some changes can be achieved others it's in their nature like the frog and the scorpion "you promised you wouldn't sting me Mr scorpion "... "yes, but it's in my nature."

An example could be her freaking out stress periods. Radical changes can include several means, med reviews, environment move (just going to a Cafe for a coffee to discuss), her self reflection etc. My wife and I used to get bogged down when discussing our ex partners (who were brother and sister)... we found a way, maximum 15 minutes discussing them then one of us would change the topic intentionally. It works every time.

TonyWK

randomxx

Thanks for that Tony , always appreciated.

But yeah , there are those 2 or 3 big things you talk about though, despite anything else.

l won't go into them here some and too personal but they still trouble me no matter what else. Out riding bush tracks today l'm thinking , so what if l went to Sydney, would l go to Sydney, or would l have her move down here to a new place ?

But you know what, l still can't answer it, somethings wrong, still wrong and my trust is one huge one. lf something eats at me then it's usually spot on. But after 5yrs, surely, something has to be wrong, l know it.

She still comes out with weird things too, some still don't ring true. l wouldn't even be at all surprised if she's even on a date site herself while talking love and ideas to me.

ldk. there was none of this with ex wife when we met, no if's or buts, l even knew we were going to meet felt it 6mths earlier before.

Yeah 22 yrs and it had run it's corse, but 15yrs of that was the envy of most, things just took toll ,and we changed too, older, different.

Thing is though, it was right all the way until one day it wasn't.

And l reckon knowing myself but also living life, if there's something wrong, there's usually something wrong..

And whatever the cause, she also does flip , that right there is not a good character trait for anything serious right .

Think with all this talk and thanks to you, l'm finally arriving at a decision.

white knight

Good rx

Gut feeling, intuition, practical facts all gather to ring alarm bells. We should not silence those bells. You're very correct something is not right.

Some people have personality traits that are obvious, perhaps gambling, not monogamous, poor punctuality and so on but there is just as many unnoticed by all but their partner. These elusive traits can take a long time to figure out.

Case 1. My 1st wife. We had 2 kids married 11 years. I worked 3 jobs so she could be a stay at home mum, her dream. A home-makers duties are just that plus caring for the kids. She was not caring for me and would sleep nearly all day. In desperation I got a doctor to call in at 3pm. He asked what the problem was. I told him I'm running on empty, overworked, changing nappies more than her, I cook, clean etc. "And doc, look at her, she's still in her pyjamas"!

He ordered blood tests and interviewed her. Weeks later he called me in, alone. "Tests are fine, she's got acute case of laziness..."

That wasn't expected even though her 4 siblings were similar. A hidden trait.

Case 2

The next partner. Slowly became a controlling person. My daughter were well behaved yet in her mind they were always naughty. The last thing I thought of she was jealous of my kids. Due to guilt I believed her and not the possibility of jealousy of kids.

So, your gut feelings are important and unless they are allowed to rest, by changes or facts appearing that squash ones suspicions, you have to run with the"to err on the side of caution resulting in being alone is maintaining the water level in the moat of your castle..."

TonyWK

randomxx

Yeah, for sure. Always hoped l was wrong and the silence and calm would come, she'd show me l was wrong. Unfortunately this last few wks even with her calling 3-4 times, lots of messages, talk and ideas, l'm still seeing things.

Guilt does all sorts of weird things doesn't it , that was also interfering with me bc maybe she deserved a pass, but some things guilt or not they're still just there and we just can't.

An acute case of laziness, someone else here was talking about his beloved's acute case to almost identical situation, l had to tell him what the doctor told you.

l'm glad they posted it he really needed to know.

Think time will be coming soon l read some of your other threads about moving on and things, l don't even know where to start tbh atm.

l'm doing what l'm doing now, the tables can't be turned back from here, l've left my place ha, living what you've said you'd do if you wound up in this position . Been thinking about it myself 12 mths now and here l am. And half way to Sydney to give or take so that was kind of playing on my mind as well buttt, there'll be no Sydney from here.

Weird isn't it. life, the way things roll. My brother 56 never had any luck in relationships/women, hasn't even had a real relationship ever really. Said to me 2yrs ago he was gonna give it one last crack. Low and behold he met an Indonesian girl and got married just a few wks back. l've never been single really, but now his just married and l'm doing this and single- how bizarre right.

And now he has this calm about him now, never seen him like this, she seems like a beautiful soul this one. But now it's me looking for my calm.

Same for you really , after all that you found your wife and here you are. Hate to even think about but l do wish l knew for myself from here.

l normally feel things and go on those, even meeting my w back when, but weirdly last yr or two, l haven't been feeling anything much so it's knind of left me at a bit of a loss.

One reason l've thought well, if gf and l didn't work out, l'm doing this, that's really about all l know for now.

l do actually have some feelings floating in and out just of late though actually about being here, doing this, but ldk if it's poss' just wishful thinking creeping around in there. l'm hoping waters might just clear themselves, along the way.

All the best Tony and tku very much once again.

rx