There are some known comments "don't take me for granted" and "give me some respect" among many more. Such comments often come during a disagreement and they often make you more angry than you already are because you are at the height of your tolerance right? You are already stressed, fuming over some issue that flared.
So let's talk about those moments immediately after such claims are made. What is your normal reaction? more anger, more arguing? Of course. Let's be honest. It's normal to defend yourself against claims that are hurtful right? But remember, these claims are about someone else's perspective and you are not inside that persons head ok, how could you understand what their perspective is?
We as people with mental illness often get frustrated when those without a mental illness dont understand us. We crave that but dont get it. The most we get is compassion from those that can be compassionate, loving and caring and maybe have studied the topics. So isnt it fair to expect your partner to be understood also?
Conflicts with our caring partners can send us off one our own somewhere - it is deeply hurtful and the less conflict the more stable we are. So I've thought of a challenge. I've done this challenge myself and it is hard but it works. One of the components is to lower your voice level and talk slowly. We know that when this is done the other yelling partner usually does the same.
The challenge is, that during a disagreement when a claim is made that you want to answer/repel that you calmly sit down, ask your partner to sit down (it doesnt matter if they dont) and reply in your normal tone of voice at slow pace like the following.
"show me some respect"! you answer "I love you very much and so I do respect you. Please tell me why you don't believe I have respect for you, I am listening"
"you are so frustrating to talk to when it comes to finances"! you answer "I dont know why you find me frustrating, now please give me another chance and tell me when you become annoyed so I can adjust my responses, its all ok".
This will take some practice. It isnt giving in. You will feel like you are allowing them to "win". Winning and losing an argument is allowing your emotions to dictate the moment.
By accepting this challenge you are embracing the embracer at a time when you dont want to. You are effectively saying by actions - 'you care for me daily, this is my way of caring for you. I love you'.
You are being fair. Life isnt all about us.
Tony WK
