Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[white knight]

Hi HS

Interesting post. In my 20's I hopped on my motorcycle 5 times to hide in the mountains "forever". I wouldnt know till 53yo that I had bipolar and other stuff. Each time I would return after several days to the city. Then one day I realised that a half way point might be my answer so planned a home in a farming village 15 minutes from a town with basic facilities and 50 minutes from a city with everything- just right.

The other thing I found was I was an inventor, creative talent and jack of all trades so I began building my own unique versions of cubby houses that sold like hotcakes, modified motorbikes and trikes that won awards world wide and so forth. Kind of eccentric. I was beginning to gain confidence but find my niche.

So this is what I found to be "happiness"

• A comfortable living environment
• Using ones talents even as a hobby
• 2 or 3 part time jobs rather than one full time
• No shift work
• Sleeping issues addressed by a sleep study and in my case a CPAP
• Compatible partner with no major baggage eg alcoholism, gambling and good step mother attitude
• Removal of toxic people in my life- includes family
• Inclusion of good hearted empathetic friends
• Ideal career path
• Learning not to trust too early
• Gain confidence by helping others

You might be able to relate to some of that.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

Grandy

Remember the thread I posted on here once "the best praise you'll ever get"? part of it was post marriage separation I was really low and every day I'd look into that mirror in my 10ft caravan and say "you are a good man Tony, you are a good dad, dont let her beat you". It worked after a few months. Then two years later my ex's new husband stopped me and asked me for advice. Without asking why I told him I knew why he asked and rattled off many things unbearable about his new wife. He said "how do you know all that"? "Because I divorced her for those reasons"

I felt totally vindicated. They divorced and her third partner couldnt stand her manipulation, silence and laziness either.

So, build yourself up, you deserve freedom of the past as much as anyone else.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

l know it's not the moral of the story or anything Tony but odd that he asked you how do you know, you were married to her of course you'd know, and probably longer than he'd been so far.

The mirror is similar to something l was going to suggest or try to describe to Grandy since she's said the disappearing doesn't work for her. Grandy , it's not disappearing or bailing, it's about self belief, attitude. You know your better than the bs they're sprouting, you aren't running way, your above that, your just removing yourself from the toxicity.

rx

[HamSolo01]

Thanks all for your insight

definitely something to chew/mull over

[white knight]

Rx

Yes, I believe he was "fishing" to ascertain if I had the same issues.

Such conversation gives reason to like yourself like being found innocent when falsely accused

TonyWK

[mmMekitty]

I would like to like myself without reference to anyone or anything but myself. Me like me for me.

I don't have such an accepting relationship with myself.

But a stumbling block to that would be if I was to like myself so much I never saw any need for change or improvement... & by anyone else's reckoning, I may well need heaps!

mmMekitty

[Amelia02]

Assertiveness is something that can be improved for sure. It takes work and can be tough definitely!

[Guest_1584]

Well , funny really. But for me when it came to assertiveness that was the part l hated. Bc back in the day that often meant they'd get louder, a lot of people don't like you disagreeing with them, and then you end up in some crazy arguing thing.Eventually l started thinking l don't wanna be that, l'm not doing this rubbish.

Over the yrs l started noticing the better ways of other people but l also discovered something about myself too that l never knew. People were very wary of any look l gave and in particular my eyes. l couldn't understand why bc l'd actually had quite a soft face especially younger and my eyes are just blue eyes they aren't mean looking at all, quite soft eyes actually if anything.But even now being older, l still notice the slightest change in my demean and people, total strangers , even if l'm just glancing in their direction, for some weird read they pick it up it seems far more so than other people.

Soooo, l discovered l can also use that to in such situations and a slight look seems to be able to put across an- l think your talking through you know what, or l don't like your attitude, or nope sorry , but l'm not agreeing with that, without saying a word. Matter of fact it seems to do more than the mad arguments l use to end up in.

This was something about my ex too. She was only 5ft tall and a very gentle nature , face , honestly she wouldn't hurt a fly. But yet she could diffuse or shut just about anything down or get some point across with just a look or slight tone. She'd do this walk off thing too usually last resort but if she did her walk off, whoever that was directed at would just well and truly know it meant business. Yet it was never in even the slightest of aggressive in ways, just gentle , unimposing, maybe the slightest of eye rolls, it was a real gift haha. ln studying yourself and others with traits you like , you can find what works for you and what people seem to pick up about you, and use that, without a ruffle. God knows it took me long enough butttt, got there in the end.

rx

[Amelia02]

Assertiveness is a challenge for sure! You’ve got to ensure you’re not under or over assertive. It’s a very Goldilocks situation. And I can definitely relate when you say some others don’t like it when you assert yourself. These people need to respect other’s rights as well as their own.

As communication experts say, it’s majority about body language/ how you carry yourself etc and the content of what you say is of minor effect in comparison.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah for sure . A lot of people are over assertive or defensive , you see it a lot in women too, sorry. Where as more guys are wary about getting too loud or assertive with other guys bc that could get ugly and they don't wanna be like that with women so it kinda works a little differently for males- but there is often still that one, for sure.

But yeah it is all in body language, demeanor. Also though to when you stop caring that becomes your demeanor and one thing about male to is and ldk this might work the same for females to but as soon as you become older and your own man, most other males pick it up. And one day you start noticing other males might try talking to you but not too many will try telling you.

This was sort of something to do with what my ex had , despite her size and gentle nature, she still had this no nonsense way about her.

rx

[Elizabeth CP]

MMme Kitty was concerned about liking herself too much making her unwilling to improve. I think liking someone doesn't mean thinking that person is perfect. I love my children even if they sometimes don't do things I like. With ourselves liking ourselves means thinking we are worth while. Making a mistake doesn't make us a bad person. We can still accept our weaknesses and perhaps liking ourselves means believing we have the capacity to improve and being willing to keep learning and trying things even if it doesn't work out. Liking ourselves means we can listen to advice from trusted people without feeling that we are no good because we are not perfect.