Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[quirkywords]

Ggrandy

I relate to your post. I do not like when family , friends or strangers are controlling , critical or rude and I just sit and then cry later. I avoid conflict at any cost but I feel that is a coping tool.

[Amelia02]

Hi Ggrand,

I can relate a bit to this. Healthy assertiveness takes a lot of work for lots of people I think. Our society is based on compliance and in the past and more traditional situations and also unhealthy situations it is especially pronounced. You have to undo all the programming to get to a healthy way of being.

It really is necessary to be able to get your needs met though instead of just being steamrolled. Including being true to yourself and being seen for who you are. Pushing yourself down from being true to yourself is probably what is most upsetting because you just have to honour and respect yourself and keep your integrity. If you don’t get something you ask for but you at least asked for what you really wanted ie you were still true to yourself then you can still feel good about yourself.

Part of the challenge is, as Judith Herman says, when people become more assertive other people don’t like it!
There are probably some people who are under assertive and some who are over assertive and the former need to speak up for themselves more and the latter need to listen to and respect others more.

It is a learning process and you should be glad that you have a bad feeling about not speaking up for yourself - it is your intel telling yourself that that course needs to be corrected. Probably you were a very good student learning what others taught you ie to defer to them. Now your own better intelligence is waking and questioning those lessons and telling you to listen to and be true to yourself.

Back yourself! 🙂

[geoff]

Dear Grandy, I am really sorry this is happening to you as it shouldn't be.

Are you able to say that you have to go to the loo just to get away from them, this may stop their intrusion and the never ending words that only make sense to that person but are so offensive towards you.

You do so much to help other people and don't deserve any of this, you're too special.

Geoff. x

[quirkywords]

Grandy

You are so honest.

You are so kind and have so much compassion to everyone on your life and in the forum thst I hope you can be kinder to yourself.

I understand how you feel as I wrote before but it ms. Mrs me sad you feel that way about yourself.

Your personal insights and honesty helps others like me to know we are not alone.

You have been through a lot recently so it would have affected you.

You have a voice and it needs to be heard.
we see an incredible compassionate resilient person who helps so many people . That timid person is part of you but you are much more.

I do hope you can see what we see in you too.

[white knight]

Hi Grandy

For what its worth, I'm 130kg (bit more but we'll keep that between us lol) did weight lifting when young, taught defensive grappling when trained for various jobs like warder and crown control etc but I'm still shaking in my boots with any confrontation. Yes, if I was tested by an event where someone was assaulted I know the law and would restrain (citizens arrest) if needed and so on, the other side of men that I have, but I'm still scared.

This frightening side is in our DNA or is developed from childhood, either way it is kind of pointless chastising yourself for a automatic reaction that is difficult to eliminate.

Even a perfect apple has a core we throw away...

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Funny really sorry Tony , wouldn't expect it on the surface given your size and experience but l have noticed over the yrs confrontation does shake most people up even if they don't show it.

Grandy l had a bad and defensive temper when l was younger it ran in the family and usually wound up going over board. So later on l started to restrain, tried, and later on yet still, l realized l didn't even like confrontation anyway, hated it in fact. And then l also started to realize that l hated myself for being the way l'd been and letting what was usually just some bs really anyway shake me up like that and that it was no way to live or to be, l wanted peace, inside and out.

And along the way l also started observing how the people l admired handled things. People that l liked how they lived, and their nature and so often their warmth and peace . l also noticed they often had ways of just quietly saying some little short thing to somebody giving them shyt or even just a loo or just not getting involved at all, and they'd then just be on their way without even a ruffle, l really loved that peace about them.

So l've been practicing that myself ever since and rarely ever get caught up in anything loud or confrontational these days. And l'm happy to say l've found over the yrs since, there are 99 times out of 100 peaceful non upsetting ways to deal with these people. Even if it's as Geoff said and excusing yourself. These sort of people will usually put two and two together eventually and realize your not gonna just sit around and listen to their bs, without you having to say a word.

l dunno , my ex w was the master of it all .

rx

[white knight]

Good post RandomX

Liking ourselves can be much easier if we study other people.

In a recent FB video there was a Russian soldier taking a 'selfie' and behind him was rocket launchers being fired, multiple rockets. He was smiling and obviously being proud of his country's efforts.

Without getting into the war topic which is inappropriate for this thread I'm pointing out that few would find a reason to smile and be proud of that situation.

The same with cruelty to animals or any nasty act.

Grandy, you dont have a mean bone in your body. You have every reason to be proud.

So many people like us- thats evidence enough to like ourselves. They cant all be wrong.

TonyWK

[HamSolo01]

Do I like myself?
I don't think so. I don't think I have for a while. I think I actually liked an image, or a false-self. I liked the fact I achieved "things" despite adversity. I like the fact that I was once in a very dark place and found more light. This light lit up my path and I got somewhere in life. But I realised where I was would not cut the mustard so to speak.

I did not like the path I was on and saw that in a few months time I would be exactly where I didn't want to be.

I was tired and hurt by the world. I think I Still am at a certain level and I am coming to terms with it - almost like a grief and loss response. I grieve something I nearly had, but never quite got there and it feels as if it will never come back. I believe secretly deep down we all want tragedy to befall us, because it can give us boasting rights - sadly this is not our fault - I think we've been conditioned like that thanks to society. A sort of race to the bottom as it were. Hussle culture permeates into every facet of our lives now and I think it has begun to devastate us. I don't like how I felt hostage to it - whether I was hostage or not I don't know for sure.

I think there is a better world out there - but it is contingent on each of us being honest with ourselves and the world we are in. what is happiness? is it the thing I see people put into the world when they flaunt wealth and status and looks? Or is it a thing that can be enjoyed as an individual? Perhaps the latter is preferable?

I am on a journey once more and I think there is more darkness. But again, it does not mean there will be no light. It may just take more time to get there. There is enough fakeness, lying and garbage in the world so why do it to myself?

Do I Like myself? I don't think I do. But I don't hate what I've become. Perhaps I just don't like how long it has taken me to see the wood from trees in respect to my own self.

Time is curious and so I am too.

Onwards I go 🙂

[tranzcrybe]

Nicely put, ham.

Not sure about it being a race to the bottom, but can concur that Society charts its own course and for the most part we just get swept up in the current - holding our ground can be a battle in such turbulent waters, whereas others may float on oblivious to their trajectory.

A moving object will always view stationary objects as the contradiction.

Who is the wiser, and what bearing does it actually have once we reach our destination? Are we not too deeply embroiled to ever relinquish the cosseted embrace of society's allure and deception?

Sometimes it is prudent to challenge 'self' as being little more than an illusion - one we acquire more than begin with, and so dependent on the influence of others.

You are not what you do or even how you look - that is in the machinations of others to ascribe in the domino chain of consensus that has moulded (twisted) our psyche to the point of making it 'real' (inasmuch as reality is a thing in the first place...).

[Ggrand]

Hello Everyone,

I think it would be so empowering to be able to stand up to ourselves..In a respectful way of course...I think by doing so, instead of the shame and guilt I feel towards myself, I might feel more respect towards myself...

I appreciate everything that you have all spoken to me about...and I find it comforting a little..knowing that it’s not just me that fears retaliation of others...

It’s strange, in a way...That when living in an abusive marriage, I accepted that part of me that could take so much belittling from my spouse...I think I even liked that part of me...because it kept me safe...instead of me soothing myself now, by saying I done the right things, I am safe, I done well to avoid any retaliation....It’s all changed around to not liking that part of me at all....

Hmm never thought about it being part of our DNA...Definitely something to look into....Oh Geoff, I have many times used the ladies rest room for a quick escape and a long held in cry....

Its a part of me that I will try hard to accept first...If I don’t learn to accept it...then am I a complete person...will I ever like the whole me....I’m not sure...

My kind thoughts with my care and a little hug..

Thank you so much.

Grandy..