Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[missep123]

Hi everyone,

it is so great to see everyone supporting each other here. I felt very comforted to know I wasn't the only one feeling a certain way!

I was watching a show today and the psychologist mentioned reframing what we think negatively about ourselves into a positive.

For example -> "I worry too much", can be turned into 'I really put a lot of care and thought into everything I do'.

It really felt 'lighter' after I reframed it, I'm not sure how else to describe this! Has anyone else tried this technique before?

[white knight]

Hi Missep and all

Such "reframing" can imo be part of what I see as subtle redirection of influencing our thought and attitude processes.

Similar to a metaphoric post (depression, a ship on the high seas) if we see our life as a large cruiseliner sailing in the wrong direction to other ships...we can only turn our rudders slightly, not radically to be with the others.

Such minor rudder changes improve our life quality immensely but in proper perspective we won't cure anything. That leads me to believe that as cure is not possible then liking yourself a lot is unlikely to be achieved.

Is that a bad thing? Not at all. Better, more accurate perspective can lead us to more effective actions. Eg "I'm going to love myself like my friends love themselves, they are so confident" can be swapped with "I'll make up a list of things I like about myself".

Setting our goals so high usually means they won't be reached. Our rudders are damaged, we can't turn that sharp.

As long as we don't sink, we can find contentment. We might not be able to steer accurately but, boy, we are a beautiful ship.

TonyWK

[Doolhof]

Hi TonyWK, missep123 and all reading,

Thanks for your thoughts and comments here. Sometimes my mind becomes confused with all the different ways of thinking and suggestions I have read in books and heard from psychologists on hoe to move forward and change my perspective.

Recently I've been seeking help for past traumas. I'm told that events from child hood have etched into my mind and body and need unravelling so I can move on. I'm told I need to re-wire my thoughts and brain waves. I need help to do this. There is so much I can do to help myself, I also need assistance to unravel stuff.

Yesterday I woke up struggling with the day. I did try to re-word what I was thinking. I tried to like myself enough to get on with my day and try to make the most of it. I didn't seem to have the energy to go for a walk so I did some gardening.

My thoughts started to over whelm me, I tried to change them, to see the memories in a different light. The thoughts were too strong, so I read a book.

Sometimes I can connect the triggers to past trauma and tell myself I am not that scared child any longer.

At the end of the day I did like myself because I had tried. I accepted the limits of what I could do and took the time to read when my mind was overwhelming me.

As I drive to work today, I will tell myself that I am a good person, I am trying to do my job to the best of my ability, if people become angry and frustrated about Government rules they need to follow, that it is their business not mine.

May we all find something to like and admire about ourselves today.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Doolhof,

I've been working at unravelling my past for quite a while. I find it wants to tangle up again, so I have to unravel again. Just when I think I have gained a more 'adult' perspective, which I can appreciate alongside my 'child's perspective, (who definitely didn't know or understand much) I find my feelings are still the child's & it is confusing.

Slowly, with a lot of patience with myself, because this will take time.

I have to allow insight to filter gently into my awareness. & allow my child in there to have a voice. That is most important to me - to give my child what was not available before.

I've learned to accept some conflicting thoughts & feelings, which I hope to one day resolve, or be at peace with the discontinuity. I say to myself, I can be a lumpy patchwork, all sorts of colours & shapes. Why not? Indeed, maybe I don't need answers for all the questions I've had, or to fill in all the pieces in order to like & accepts, & live with myself.

I'm not there, yet, but do I really have to go as far as I once thought I did? I don't know. All I know is that some answers will never be known, or there are no answers for some aspects, but that does not mean I am incomplete, or lacking in any way. Tha'ts what I am still working on.

What you are doing is good, taking time out, doing other things, because we cannot do it all at once. We'll all have times when e feel we've moved foreward, back, found a side road, which might be useful or another distraction, because the main road is too overwhelming, for now, & that's okay. Don't push yourself into failure. Do what you can, when you are able.

mmMekitty

[Doolhof]

Hi mmMekiity,

Thanks for your comments and insight. I know I am far too tough on myself at times and would dearly love to be more of the kind, caring, loving person I know is trapped inside this depressed mind, instead of the conflicted person wavering on the brink of darkness so often.

[Adalaide]

I truly feel like this is such a deep question - I have learnt a lot in the last year about myself and it has definitely helped me learn to love myself more but hating myself has been such a big issue for me for so long that I still catch myself using very negative self-talk. After suffering with an ED and depression, it has meant that there are certain thoughts that I still haven't quite shaken but I'm learning to do better everyday.

[Ggrand]

Hello everyone...

I think that acceptance and patience are the most important requirement for us to have...and maybe our own awareness...of knowing liking ourself is possible.....and needed for us to survive ourselves..

We have all done so many great things....and out of those great things is the fact that with all our struggles....We have made it this far....I don’t know why we stop liking ourselves...maybe it’s our inner critic...but I do know that
We all deserve love and joy...and all that love we give to others, we also should give to ourselves...We all deserve our love...

I find it hard to understand why we continually fight our selves, to give us the self compassionate and love we deserve...that’s what our souls were born with....We give it so easily and freely to other people...so why is it so hard to give it to ourselves?

I think I’m right in saying that everyone posting or reading here....likes everyone else..and it’s not hard to do that...Why not like just one more extra person...yourself...You who is helping others by supporting other people here, you have given kind words to other people here, you who have shown so much compassion to the other people here...Maybe just take some time to think about it....Really, what’s not to like about yourself?...Everyone here is so very kind, caring, supportive, compassionate..and we are one of these everyone..

I hope everyone can like themselves enough to do something nice for themselves today...

My kindest thoughts beautiful people..
Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grandy, & everyone,

When we sit & think about it, as you have, it does seem so 'weird', irrational to continue to deny ourselves what we would freely & happily give others. I don't understand it either. time & time again, I either think &/or act in ways that say, 'I'm not worth it', 'I don' deserver it', 'everyone else is better than me', & 'no one is going to care about me, & rightly so'. & more... I still do not give full recognition to compliments & praise directed to me, as if I was in their shoes, I would not think I'd done anything worthy of mention, so don't believe when someone does thank me for anything.

It is so illogical, really, I have to press on the point, REALLY I AM THE SAME AS ANYONE. I'm still tryig to convince myself this is true.

Logically, too, we can't all be at the bottom of the pile, with, literally, everyone else above us. Why does it seem we are so eager to be the least amongst all? It's like a competition, & I can just about hear us all clamouring, 'no, I'm worst', 'no, I'm worst', all of us saying the same thing. (Well, no, not all, I note, having to remind myself, I have seen some here who have grown out of this.)

At every opportunity, we need to give ourselves a break, to be kind & forgiving, as we are to others. We have to consciously make an effort to do this, or we will never genuinely feel good about ourselves.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi everyone

I find this thread so helpful and introspective while being so supportive.

I used to think mental health issues were caused by thinking about yourself too much and to get over it by helping others unless you had a chemical inbalance Judgy me hey. Hard on myself and hard on others.
I don’t give myself time to feel and heal. It’s all go go go must be better what’s the solution.
I don’t think I would be vulnerable but what a lot of rubbish. So many times in my life I have been crushed and wounded and it’s suck it up princess.
This time I’m putting in the time and treating myself nicely. I’d drive a long distance to help a loved one so I’m driving myself to Pdrs Gym cafes and catch ups with friends. I’m taking time to have a bubble bath and ironing my clothes.
Haven’t tackled the dishwasher it seems such a huge agonising job. I’ll swap any job to avoid that. I packed away winter clothes and got all the summer clothes.
All these self care things take so much effort and I’m told it will help my mental health.
I still feel like I’m an alien hiding in plain site there’s a lot of of fractured emotions pinging in my head. I’m amazed I can function at all with the rabble that’s going on in there. Sometimes they are quiet and calm but mainly asleep and all it takes is for me to listen to it and it gets loud and overcomes me and panic and catastrophe awaits me. I’m using different methods sometimes it’s no I’m here I’m ok and breathe and also motivation mantras and music and I close my eyes. Or big cry reach out for help still bad enact safety plan. Grief is sometimes overwhelming.
im still fake it till you make it but I’m trying and trying to share love and not isolate.

[Doolhof]

Hello Everyone,

I want to thank you all for being so open and willing to share how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.

Recently I have tried to explain to a friend what is like to be deeply depressed and to not like yourself. That thought was totally foreign to her, she had no idea people felt as I do.

I lent a friend a book on Border Line Personality Disorder and they were shocked to comprehend just how twisted a person's thinking can become due to BPD.

Maybe if others were more aware of the whole picture of mental health conditions they may be a little more tolerant and understanding.

Wishing you all a day where you can proudly and excitedly do something for yourself!

This morning I have expanded out of my comfort zone and have sent out a text message to catch up with a friend on Monday for a coffee.

kind regards to you all from Dools