Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[missep123]

This is truly a thought-provoking thread.

I know I am a kind person and I really love getting along with people! BUT as a chronic people pleaser I put so much value into how others think about me and I worry that they may perceive me as a certain way. Sometimes I wish I didn't 'think' so much.

Does anyone else relate to this?

[white knight]

Hi Missep

Yes, I come from a family of worriers. This aspect of my personality I disliked very much and fecided to do something about it. Its all in my thread

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

When our mind does things we dont want it to do (loss of control) it can have a marked effect on our own confidence.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi missep,

I was just thinking about this today. People pleasing is hard, I feel like I was socialised to be afraid that if I didn't agree or assist others , be very nice etc, that everything would go wrong. I was taught to be ice and empathetic to everyone, but mean to myself.

it is still hard to care for my own needs. I understand people-pleasing.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

sleepy and Missep , I too am a people pleaser and actually thought it was a good thing to people pointed out it could have problems. It was how is was brought up. I suppose if you are a people pleaser to the extent you are neglecting your own needs then it can be a problem.
I thought everyone was a people pleaser. Maybe there is Blanche between always putting others needs first and always putting our own needs. I know if I do put my own needs first I feel guilty. So I am still working on this. how does being a people pleaser affect how I like myself.? I am not sure . I like helping others but I do t like feeling like a doormat.

memekitty, thanks for your kind words. I think everyone on the forum helps to make this is a supportive and caring place.

[smallwolf]

hey quirky and everyone.

you asked

how does being a people pleaser affect how I like myself.?

I am a people pleaser myself which means that how much I like myself is bound by how much another person likes what I have done or achieved. That is, my self worth is tied up in another person.If I have helped someone, I can feel good. And the opposite. I hope that makes sense.

Not sure if this is the opposite of a people pleaser, but some people I know are self-centered, someone who looks after themself only.

there are pros and cons of each type of person. As a people pleaser we generally say YES to each request. Fingers crossed we do a good enough job.

Maybe sometimes we should have said NO to a request. A way of setting boundaries. Fwiw, this is what I am currently working on with my psychologist.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Quirkywords & Smallwolf,

Anyone raised to say 'yes' whenever asked to do something? I was. Saying 'no' was not an option, nor was being unsure if I should or not, just say 'yes' & start moving.

I also didn't learn there were boundaries, That I could set any would have seemed like science fiction. I had to learn the hard way that I could say 'no' because doing otherwise would have been too dangerous. For a long time, being uncomfortable didn't matter, not enjoying what was asked didn't matter, caring for myself & my safety first wasn't even an idea, let alone an acceptable consideration. & all the while, I'm supposed to smile.

Even things like, if there is an extra biscuit, I, & my sibs, were supposed to ask if anyone else wanted it, first.It does go back to the manners we were taught from our youngest years. I distinctly recall being asked if I had asked if anyone else had wanted the last 'cookie' (being in USA back thetn).

We first learned how to be subserviant to our parents, or whoever raised us, then our teachers,& other adults all around, as our world grew,it seems more people could tell us what to do. We were continually told to do what we were told, without consideration for how we felt.

How else might have I reacted but to think my interests, feelings, thoughts, likes & dislikes, wants, even needs, didn't matter, so I didn't matter either.

It is a struggle every time I have to ask for something for myself. & still I do not feel comfortable with having done so, & getting what I had asked for. I continue to feel I don't deserve it.

I wouldn't call myself a 'people pleaser', because I don't do what I was asked or told to do because I wanted them to feel good, & be pleased with me, but instead, I don't want to get into trouble, & to keep them from getting angry at me, or thinking I was selfish - I am avoiding the negative assessment of me & my character by saying 'yes.'.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi White knight,

After reading this post it reminded me that I used to be a worrier and I suffered so badly with fear and worry. Now I am detached from my worry now and for me my fears are real and sharing my skin. It is thought provoking for me to look back at a few years ago and think of how it was. I went to see a doctor and he said oh not depression or anxiety it is worry. Try to stop worrying as it is bad for your health. LOL Super idea

I think I have a tangle of emotions and at its core may be worry.

This thread on do you like yourself and simple answer is no. I don't, I fail, I am overly angry, I am weak, I let people down, I am lazy, I avoid conflict, I don't like people or trust others. I can keep going.

I know that logically that I have to start liking me to move to a place of feeling worthy of a good life.

I am going to take some time off work and work on liking me and being kind to me. habits can be formed, stop the self hatred talk in my head. Find a quiet place and relax. I am fairly isolated. I have shut out the world.

Put some effort into getting back to being creative and digging in the garden. Do things that i am passionate about or used to be passionate about. Stop looking over my shoulder and jumping at loud or soft sounds. Put my fiercely protective side into protecting me.

[blondguy]

Hi Mum Chris...(and a wave to the caring members above)

Thankyou for being a part of the discussion and welcome too!

You mentioned 'This thread on do you like yourself and simple answer is no'....and fair enough. I wrote this thread 5 years ago as I felt the same way and have been taking life less seriously since

Just a gentle observation if thats okay....If you really didnt like yourself you wouldnt have the confidence you possess at this time to post on this thread topic

You are strong for doing so Mum Chris 👍

I hope you can stick around the forums....You speak from the heart

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Mum Chris]

Hi Paul

Thanks I want to like myself and feel good about me. I must have some desire and like me or want me to feel better and do life better as you point out. I’ve taken some major blows and I have been coping by pretending things are ok.
last night I slept with a positive message and relaxation music on and 1 earbud

I found myself rewriting history again only remembering the good and leaving out the bad. I hate that side of me so I slept listening to how wonderful my spirit is and how things that happened to me do not define me etc. in the middle of it all I woke up crying with a terrible panic thinking no this is not true I’m failing at work life and family. I had to breath deep and tell myself no. Go to sleep your ok. Your safe there’s no one in the house that can hurt you the doors are locked cameras are on and your dogs here beside your bed. I went back to sleep the panic passed.
good to sleep

ive taken time off work next week I’m on leave for 7 days and I see a new psych so I’m hoping I can get some good strategies. I’m also on half the medication I was before. I’m not as physically sick as I was when I was in the bad situation. I had pills to slow my heart beat and some to stop cortisol and anxiety meds (I’m allergic to ssri meds) and 2 pills at night. Steroids for autoimmune reactions. Currently I’m on 1&1/2 pills at night. Dr has me on vitamins to help me heal.
im hopeful today. A friend asked me why and what I was thinking when I got so low I didn’t want to go on. I found it hard to tell her because not one thing and I think I need to speak to her today she may be very low. She was one of the few people I spoke to and I cut her out of my life until just recently. I’m trying to get back out there and let people into my life.
I just feel so different to everyone else I really feel like people don’t like me and they talk at work because they have to. Urgh last day of work before holidays

thank you for listening

[mmMekitty]

Hi MumChris,

I was pleased to see you have one friend who is asking after you, & willing to talk with you about what is happening in your life. Certainly you will have a lot to talk about, so keep in mind, it does not have to be a single conversation You could even say something to that effect from the start.

Friendship includes much give & take, so are you prepared to be there for your friend, at least as much as they are for you? Maybe not NOW, but at some time in the future, your friend may need you too.

...Sort of like how it works here on BB, isn't it? What we learn we can pass along, or back into our relationships . & that can boost our own self-esteem. 😸

I do feel good about myself when I think I have been able to voluntarily help someone else,, rather than when I was told I had to. That makes a huge difference.

mmMekitty