Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[Anna1991]

Hi MKitty and everyone here,

I can certainly relate to the feelings of having "fooled" people when they seem to like me or perceive me as "better" than I am. "Imposter syndrome" is something I have certainly experienced.

Looking at it from another perspective - perhaps the negative view point that you hold of yourself is the wrong one; we are often harsher on ourselves than we would be our worst enemies, and the truth may be that others can see your worth more than you can see it yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

[CMF]

Paul, Tony, Tim , RX, Quirky, Em...

I just saw all of your replies. THANK YOU.

I do feel better and realised in the last couple of weeks I like myself when I allow myself TO BE ME. When I do things for others, when I care, when considerate. If other's don't reciprocate I guess that's their problem. I don't need to lower my standards to match theirs just because they are like that. My work colleague can be not very nice sometimes but she is never happy with anything. Including herself. When we work together it affects me. She told me recently I'm much nicer to others than her . My partner told me he loves me so much cos I'm so considerate of him and I'm REAL. Nothing fake about me.

I often feel people don't like much. I am excluded cos I'm quieter, or don't gossip, or don't drink. I see jokes going on around me that I'm not involved in. However, if others can see the positive things in me along with you, my dear friends here, then I can see them too.

Thank you

Cmf x

[mmMekitty]

Hello Quirkywords, Ecomama and Anna1991, thank you.
I like to post here, on BB that is, because I am not writing into a void, knowing there will be no feedback, which is entirely safe, but gets me nowhere. Reading what others say, all the various points of view, is important. There is no perfectly correct way to think, feel or behave. No ‘normal’.
I’m still learning people are not ALWAYS going to dismiss or reject or deny me the right to say what is on my mind, so putting it out there is not as dangerous as I might imagine.
Quirkywords, I also don’t understand what you mean when you wrote, “I wonder when I like myself but feel ow I tend to blame others.” Would you please would you talk about this more?
I feel I lost myself to the people and what they said and did. I think I was diminished, slowly had bits of me stripped away until I felt there was nothing left. If asked, I’d either give rote answers or if I was to dare being honest, I would have said I was nothing, nobody, and also that I didn’t matter. As if ‘I’ was gone.
I think major events, or those daily stresses beyond what most people would consider normal have cumulative effects shaping us into who we are, or eroding us to where we don’t feel any sort of Self remains.
I wore a façade, just to get through, I felt myself slide back, as if literally to a safer distance from the world and its people, and put up an invisible wall around me. That too, was all an illusion, fooling myself, because it now seems, everything got in. In my own head, I took up berating. Belittling, undermining and discouraging myself. So, even when I could feel their presence in my mind wasn’t there, I was. I beat up on myself in their stead. In effect, I became them.
I know these are not MY thoughts and feelings. I have barely begun to have and accept MY OWN thoughts and feelings, & can’t really define who I am. When I began to work on this, I felt that thoughts and feelings of others were like my internal scaffolding, and remove them, I would collapse, but there was nothing of myself built on that scaffolding, so what the? I think I fear to really be nothing. There is still a lot of crap I believe.
I want to know who I am, independent of anyone.

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Dear CMF

You are so very valued here.

It seem that the BB forums are chock full of such sweet, sensitive souls. I think we get hurt more easily OR turn the hurt in on ourselves instead of carrying on like others may.

I also like myself alot more when I'm being ME. SNAP!

Hugs and more hugs.

Hey mmMekitty, so you're embarking on some inner searching? That's gonna be FUN!
As I read your post, it was also like all those people who "stripped" layers away have led you to a time when you're soul is bared now.

How BEAUTIFUL!

You seem so inquisitive, thoughtful, kind and sparkly.
I'm intuiting you just MIGHT like cats too? No idea where I got that idea from lol, maybe I've just got ESP? hahaha.
I love cats too! My cat sleeps on my bed and is AWESOME! Such a different personality to any other cat I've owned. A real powerhouse and protector. He ALWAYS knows when I'm not feeling well and sleeps on my feet in those times, like his LOVE will make me better and yeah it does lol.

So DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF?

I think I might as well lol. Beats the other stuff.

Can we BEGIN just liking ourselves or do we have to think ABC to like ourselves? Bit like what came first the chicken or the egg.

I just decided to like myself for any and no reason whatsoever.

Hope you can all find things to smile about today 😁,
Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

Hi Ecomama,

I wasn't sure I would reply to your post. I am confused about your saying:

"... so you're embarking on some inner searching? That's gonna be FUN!"

Hasn't been fun so far. I am in a state of uncertainty and insecurity, being empty some days, full of crap the others. washed up on a barren island or in the midst of a storm - fun? No, I barely have stayed afloat.

& then you say:

"...it was also like all those people who "stripped" layers away have led you to a time when you're soul is bared now.
How BEAUTIFUL!"

What do you think was beautiful about being abused? It brought no sense of me having a 'soul' left, like scraps uneaten after the feasting is done. Not even that.

That's why I have to 'build' myself up from the ground up, without really knowing how.

I am pleased you could decide and 'snap' and it's done. I do have to go at the task one step at a time.

Thanks for your compliments, I am doing my best to not dismiss them because I have a hard time accepting anyone could apply these words to describe me. I want to shake my head, say, 'no, who me? No, couldn't me me, You must be mistaken." Or worse, trying to have a sarcastic joke at my expense. I don't accept compliments easily. That's a reflection of how I feel about myself.

Mekitty was my cat, (see my avatar) I agree they all have their own personalities, & are all wonderful.

I hope I have not offended you, by questioning and not understanding what you wrote. My apologies for any offence.

mmMekitty

[geoff]

Hello Everyone, you are all valued by keeping this thread going, there have been so many good comments.

I know for myself, that the older you get, the change of hours seem to knock you around, whereas when I was young, I loved daylight saving and took advantage of the extra hours, now I'm used to sleeping during the daylight.

Geoff.

[gucia6]

EM, I love what you wrote

"To respond to the question do I like myself?
Sure.
I do. I'm not perfect and don't need to be. I am more than enough. I do my best and that's all I can ask of myself."

Good morning everyone

I thought I would pop in and say "Hi" 😄

I love to see how so many start saying they like themselves, there is visible growth and probably fair bit of healing. It is awesome.

You are awesome.

In the last couple of months I was doing good. Ups and downs, smaller and bigger. I am able to cope ok with smaller triggers, I am still swept off my feet with bigger ones, but it takes less time to get up again.

And I am working on my feelings of guilt and shame. About the past and about what I think now. I am slowly accepting my darkness. I am not a saint. I do harbour negative emotions like anger, hatred and resentment. But I actually realized, that I have the right to feel like that bout certain situations and people. That this might be a completely normal response to such. A response I was denied when I was a kid, and all the time when I was 'groomed' to be a 'good girl', with no right to stand for herself. And not wanting or not being able to forgive, does not make me a bad and ungrateful person.

And I am also working on dealing with my past. Having (c)PTSD sucks, especially when being triggered, when sometimes I can't think straight, and I need quite a bit of external reassurance, that I am not a bad and broken person. But then I know that past is in the past. Yes, it shaped me. And yes it is affecting me today a lot. And it makes me angry and all. But I also know that there is no point on clinging to this anger, even though at times it is hard to step out of those intrusive memories and emotions. And now there is so much I can do to get better in the future. And I hope that there will be a time, that my triggers will be shallow enough that I will just be able to shake it off with a thought "ahh, there it is, one of those ugly memories, but I am cool with it".

[gucia6]

Hi mmMekitty

I somehow can relate. For many years I thought of myself as 'Ms.No-one'. I did not have a opinion, I did not express my thoughts, I did not protest against my dislikes, I did not share my likes. I always waited for others to say their opinions, so I would adjust my answer to fit the rest. But also there were people who got really annoyed when I gave 'I don't know' answer. And when the time came to move and become a 'responsible, strong and independent' adult, it felt like to be expected to navigate stormy ocean on a tiny weathered paddle boat, without even understanding what is missing.

But you know what? Right now, you might not know who you really are, if it is the real you or the frame of others. And it is OK, to be lost. And it is OK not to know where to start. But the fact that you are here, that you are trying to look for answers, that you reached out and want to heal. This is the real part of the real you.

And we are all shaped by our pasts. Our thoughts, beliefs, opinions were (and still are) all influenced by everyone around, experiences and circumstances. And for me, as far as I could have done without the trauma, all of that is what made me the person I am now. And there are some pretty good qualities, that some people who drifted through peaceful childhoods might not posses. I look at it as if at some point I was left as an ugly, rough and battered piece of rock that nobody wanted. But now I have my tools, little hammer and chisel to work it into a masterpiece of an amazing sculpture.

But it takes time. Now when forming opinion I am really analysing. Is it what I really think? Or is it something that someone else would think? Or is it something that is expected to be thought? What my gut tells me about it? Does it make me feel warm and fuzzy and comfortable? Or are there fear, anxiety or disgust? Or is this something I would say to impress, or maybe hurt someone? Am I self-censoring myself? (I would not express some thoughts, because they seem too much against the stream, or somewhat inappropriate). And often it takes time to get the 'final' opinion, and sometimes it goes through different stages and sometimes even opposing 'sub-opinions'.

I am overthinker, but I believe this is one of the good qualities being the product of my trauma. Even though it makes me doubt myself, it also allows me to see things from many different angles, and consider many different possibilities. And as tiring and annoying it may get, it is beautiful.

[mmMekitty]

Thank you gucia6, for your thoughtful and insightful post. I think we do have much in common.

You have said some things I will think about.

Virtual hug for you.

mmMekitty

[chadicha]

I used to struggle with loving myself so much and whenever I was told this was the answer, I just didn't know how it became a cycle of frustration in trying to work out how I'm meant to. Looking back, I've learnt its 100% a process. Your not just going to wake up or flick a switch and automatically feel this overwhelming sense of love for yourself on command. It's a journey, and theres gonna be days you grit it out trying to come back to the very essence of it and 100% being gentle with yourself is apart of it. I could tell you all the things I did or said to myself, but many of those things were just bandaid solutions to a deeper sense of self loathing I had. Why I'm not good enough? why I'm dealing with these horrible feelings of anxiety/bouts of depression no matter what I tell myself? Why am I so ugly?

Sometimes loving yourself isn't fairytale, it isn't the type of self-love you see on Tik Tok glorifying all these pretty daily rituals and habits. I believe true self love is when you are your own biggest supporter and have your own back because you know just how much your going through, yet your still here your still fighting these things. It's knowing your so much stronger than what your going through and it's not pretty sometimes.

Truthfully, I was forced to love myself; when no one had my back, when I was so alone and people just didnt seem to understand or want to connect with me despite craving friendship/connection so much. I felt like the most worthless person on earth but that low is exactly when I realised my inherent worth inside. I knew I wasn't meant to feel like that and this was my way of loving myself, the one I wanted to feel with others. I knew I had a good heart, but others just couldn't see it, or others just wanted to believe bad things about me. I had to believe in my story and truth again and thats whats really helped me to have my own back and ultimately learn to be kinder to myself.