Hello Paul, and everyone,
I think this must be a good thread, because I have been
avoiding it.
I don't like to think of how I feel about myself.
Regardless of whether I am having fun, with someone I
enjoy being with, doing things I enjoy, whatever, I know, deep down, at my
core, independent of every other consideration, I do not like myself, I don't
know if I actually hate myself, just I do not like myself.
This feeling goes back so far I can't see when it
started, how it arose, or anything. It feels there, like it is in my DNA -
although, I do not think that is literally true.
I think whether or not we like
ourselves comes from our environment, culture, upbringing, experiences, input
from all sources around us that tell us who and what we are.
When we are little kids, we do not examine and assess
what we see and hear, how we are regarded by others and how in general,
society regards us. We take it all in, unfiltered.
I can identify what some of the stuff I was fed, but not yet how to
undo the harm it has done. A lot of it is effing poison. How do we neutralise
that?
Then how do we build a healthy self-regard?
When I think I am being perceived as better than I am, I
feel I have been 'fooling' people, They don't really know me. They would not
want to. But if I don't 'fool' people, I would not be talking to anyone about
anything, anywhere.
I still rely on others, such as my PDr, who seems to
think I am worth his effort, who says everyone has an innate intrinsic value,
and I carry on as if this is true. I'm not actually convinced, but I value his
opinion more than my own. I do wonder if I didn't pay (what Medicare won't), would he still see me?
I continue to hold to the memories that a few people
did think I was okay, worth-while, tolerable to have around, & so I know I
wasnāt all that bad. There was something there. I donāt know what it was
though...something.
Itās a grain of sand to build a pearl around.
It's hard sometimes, but thank you, Paul, for this
thread that makes me think.
mmMekitty
