Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[Just Sara]

I feel a need to write today. Something is gnawing at me that needs expelling.

I've spoken about loving myself through self care and self awareness.

My history is full of forgiving the unforgivable and staying. Cycle of abuse 101. When I use the term 'forgive', my life long interpretation was 'putting up with' abuse as a form of forgiveness and love. 'Loved ones' who hurt me, did so for 'acceptable' reasons, like being drunk, angry, or my fault. It happened so often in every aspect of life, changing my current actions/responses/decisions to a more responsible and accountable (to me) mentality, has opened up some fear factors for review.

I'm assessing the decision to change my GP. Up until now, I've had the impression she's been a God send. But recently after a very long appt (1 and 1/2 hrs), her true nature and beliefs were 'outed'. The dissolution I felt and realisation that she'd been a part of my patterns of self destruction came crashing down. I've invested so much trust in her qualifications and the prefix..Dr, her personal view of my circumstances over the years didn't really raise much concern. And when it did, I never knew how to approach it. I mean she's human too isn't she? Excuse number one.

I've gone over her advice, comments, focus and priorities. I've concluded her presence has been just as destructive as my parents. I didn't listen to the feelings gnawing at me after a visit, or the sleepless nights I'd have before an appt. It all makes sense now.

In respect to self care; loving myself, I can't in all good conscience, stay with her any longer. Yes, this is it. What to do and how to face walking away; for me a very difficult prospect. Food for thought.

Thanks for listening...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

I've never been able to secure a regular GP, their books have always been closed so I've had to see 'whoever is available' at clinics with like 12 doctors. So I've never built a relationship with one. Of course I have with my clinical psychologist who I have been seeing for years. I really rely on her.

Childhood trauma goes hand-in-hand with attachment, and our attachment wounds are very vulnerable for the rest of our lives. It is something that takes huge amounts of self awareness and time to be able to observe them without becoming embroiled in them. And lets face it, not everyone "shows their true colours" straight off the bat.

It brings up so much sadness looking back when I observe within myself "re-enactments of predictable pain" by allowing people to be-friend me that caused hurt, just like I expected them to! I have had some very rude awakenings over the years. Especially when my Dad died. I re-assessed everything and everyone and it was one of the loneliest times of my life.

I completely understand finding out that a GP may be despicable. The family GP we used in regional NSW for like 20 years told our neighbour that essentially my Mum was the reason Dad chose to take his life. The neighbour said "what the hell happened, what was wrong". And the GP said "his wife is what was wrong!"Can you imagine me! My blood boiled! The arrogant prick! It turns out he was the sort of GP that didn't believe in mental illness expect that the individual was somehow at fault, or brought it upon themselves. Disgraceful.

Just because they're a Doctor does not mean that they have a depth of life experience. They may have a depth of knowledge. But not necessarily a depth of life experience.

They probably view what's happened to you from a very left-brain kind of way. Possibly they cannot comprehend the profound impact this has on a person because they see a smart, articulate women sitting in front of them, and believe that all of the wiring in your brain and sense of self has been miraculously fixed without any scar tissue. It all depends where you live as to how many choices you have because it's not always easy to shop around. Could you hang onto that GP while you shop in case you need one for an emergency? There's a Jungian saying I can't remember how it goes exactly so forgive me, but it's something like - "A person can only take you as far as they have travelled themselves". Maybe someone with depth of life experience + depth of knowledge would be better x

[blondguy]

Dear Dizzy, that is so sad.......It appears that your GP's personal thoughts were let go and you were judged. Exactly the opposite of what she stands for as a medical professional. You are spot on Dizzy....they are like us...just human but I still feel that inflicting her own opinions is counter productive where your well being is concerned..a GP should be non judgemental and tread carefully, even with the best intentions

You are the boss where your GP is concerned...you are the one paying the bill Dizzy.

(Hugs) for you

Paulx

[Just Sara]

Thankyou dearest Paul;

It's been quite a week and the results have varied. You of course are correct with your advice. The issue is unfortunately that it's taken me over a decade to work it out. My sister warned me a long time ago, but I didn't take heed. The lack of an appropriate internal filtering system from my childhood has come up for discussion in my journal.

One step, one success. My journey of steps continues as I forge forward; identifying and changing habitual thinking and forgiving my sins. It's an adventure!

Much gratitude my friend for sticking with me..Dizzy xo

[blondguy]

You are a gift to so many Dizzy........and to me...a lot

Paul xx

[Cleanse_Your_Lens]

Having someone tell me to love myself, if I don't feel it, and have not made the choice to dedicate myself to it, I agree is not very helpful. However, I have always believed it is something that can bring great healing, and so on my own initiative I have trialled various exercises to work on it, some more effective than others.

To me there are two major components of loving the self. The first is a form of loving acceptance, where you accept whatever you are feeling with no resistance to it, no judgement - you are peaceful with it.

The second is a willingness to work towards only following through with actions that show care for yourself, such as those that maintain your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being.

Some of the ones I have experimented with:

The cliche one, staring in the mirror and saying I love you 😛

Breathing into my heart centre, sitting in nature, and stating an intent like "I lovingly accept all aspects of my being" (this works well for me when combining focus/breath/awareness in nature).

Changing my view of love, from a feeling to an action, so actively choosing an action I can do each day that shows I care for my wellbeing. Such as eating something healthy, doing some grooming, doing some exercise, spending time in nature, etc.

Understanding the associations I have with the word love, and what "love" means to me, and what unconscious beliefs that come along with it. For me, I used to relate to love more as a feeling and sentiment towards myself, though as soon as I started to view it in terms of an action I could do for myself - things shifted.

I have had to put myself through some pretty tough ultimatums to shake myself out of destructive mental patterns I have been in, in the past... which to me was still a form of loving myself, more what they call, "tough love".

[Cornstarch]

What a refreshing post. I feel lighter. Just reading it.

I think for me I can really feel/notice/sense when I, or others, don't love ourselves or at least show a bit of mercy.

I had a wild experience in hospital last week and looking back now I was full of self loathing. Everyone around me was full of self loathing. I was in the throws of PTSD flashbacks and all I wanted to do was to start pacing up and down the hall or at lease move in the tinies way to release some energy. I just sat in the corner screwed up in a ball and the nurse was like what's stopping you? And I was like embarrassment!

The guy next me I thought was in psychosis, (so much for lived experience) and turns out he was chronically addicted to alcohol and he was jumping up and down, flinging his arms, scratching his skin and chomping his jaw. He face just read I HATE MYSELF.

In the end I joined him in MOVEMENT.

It's self hate that makes us spiral.

Awful.

[blondguy]

Hi Cleanse Your Lens and Welcome to the forums too 🙂 Corny is spot on, what a great post!

Cleanse made two excellent points above which I will quote below;

• "To me there are two major components of loving the self. The first is a
  form of loving acceptance, where you accept whatever you are feeling
  with no resistance to it, no judgement - you are peaceful with it."
• "The second is a willingness to work towards only following through with
  actions that show care for yourself, such as those that maintain your
  physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being."

Fabulously written Cleanse 🙂

Corny, I remember that feeling of self hate.....its a dark and ugly place to be...I hope you are feeling better Paulxx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Paul,

The fact that I could recognise it at the time I think says that my meditation practice has helped a little bit.

Looking back now because I was 'on public display' with my PTSD flashbacks, where previously I have tried to play out the big ones in the privacy of my own home, I can recognise that hating myself was just an adaptation.

It shrinks your world.

It gives you a sense that you are in control.

It stops thoughts about the future.

It excuses people that aren't good for you.

[geoff]

dear Paul, a great topic, 'do you love yourself', then we have to to wonder what the definition for love is, well each one of us would probably have a different meaning than the person sitting next to you, but that doesn't matter, because it all depends on how you determine it to be.
It can change much over time as we grow older and how we feel in our relationship or work place, such as what I loved about myself 40 years ago to how I feel today, but it's variable topic that can change everyday.
When we are on cloud 9 love means everything to when depression hits you then there is no love, but when you feel that you love yourself, boy isn't that a beautiful feeling, there is nothing better. Geoff.