Dilemma thread.

[white knight]

This thread is all about dissolving confusion by posting a dilemma say a family feud, workplace incident, what reactions are best and so on.

This will give members opinions from other members on what they would do.

Here is my first dilemma-

Im an athiest. Yet I feel I'm tolerant. When my wife and I visit another couple in their 70's, they hold hands at the table to say grace. Thats ok.

However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship

The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isnt realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.

We've been friends for 45 years. I'm even in their will as they have no children

Thanks...whats your dilemma?

Tony WK

[Guest_1584]

Hi people.

Great idea for a thread tony.

My dilemma is another housing situation. Do l sell and move ?

l've moved maybe 20times since l left home 30yrs ago And later ex w and l traveled oz and loved all over for 13yrs. then we moved back to vic , finally got a house . then got divorced., nice touch right . Maybe l was a gypsy in the last life.

So l've moved 3 more times in the 5yrs since and finally got on my feet just enough to by this place. Country towns , only 20mins away from my daughter , 16, but also ex and her new hubby too that is , nother nice touch , l know.

Well ,chose this place because it was close to my daughter and that l hoped l would settle in and like it here to and just stay put. Been here 18mths.

Problem is l just don't fit in here at all and there is absolutely nothing happens here , no life , no vibe , just a nice little country town with a lot of very quiet and plain and simple people. l grew up in Melbourne and lived all over oz, l'm use to life and verity but although l love the house , l just exist here. it's also permanitly still around my ex and her new life , if l stay here.

but there's nothing for me at all except my daughter coming and going a little. and the rates and water prices here are also costing a fortune considering there's just nothing here and make holding the house very hard.

l'm thinking this yr ,my daughter will be 17, but also doing year 11, but maybe l should just sell later in the year when my daughter turns 17.. Get away from my ex once and for all and this dead area.that has all the bad memories of our break up and no life for me here since.

The town l'm thinking of is 2hours away, so 2hours away from my daughter too. but she'll be 17 and heavily into her bf, school , friends, l hardly see her now latey , this year will dwindle off even more.

So l'm thinkingby the time l got out of here , we'd only need to catch up once a wk or so anyway and she could come stay anytime.

She likes the idea and wants to go to uni over there and get out of this area too. but that'd be 2 or 3 yrs away.

Do you think l'd be doing the right thing ?

l've stayed close 5yrs and through all our break up , and now ex's new man. for my daughter , is it time , would it be ok to do it ?

The

[Ggrand]

Hi Randomx,

How you doing? Not seen you around for a while.

I remember before you saying you don't fit in but you also love it there especially of a night with your walks.

I know what your talking about sleepy little town, lol I'm in one, unlike you I am stuck here, if I sell there is no way I can get back to the city, I love it here, yeah but it's sooo quiet, absolutely nothing in town, 73kilmometres to nearest major town with some night life, or day life for that matter.

I lived in a large city up until 6 years ago, then we sold up, moved country now I am stuck. I will be the first to admit it's beautiful here, but nothing to do, the residents only 200 are never to be seen. Yeah council rates are through the roof here as well, more dearer then the major town,,

I think only you can decide what you feel you will be happy with doing.

2 hours is not a long way from your daughter but long enough away from ex and new partner. Bigger town, more excitement, people etc. things to do, nightlife, sounds good to me. Have you checked the place out, spend maybe a weekend every so often in the town/city your thinking of moving to first, see how you feel about a permanent move there first.

hope I helped a little.

Kind thoughts.

GG.

[white knight]

Hi Quirky and random x

Quirky, I agree with ggrand. EI would certainly, if I was your friend, not be dictsted to by my dpouse as to whom I remain friends with.

But Id also very subtely do things to let him know she us in touch with her so hoping he will one day ask "how is she".?

On the phone as hubby walks in from his shed "so what does your d octor say"..."oh its that serious"

When hubby asks who was on the phone "darling you dont want to know about your sister, thats fine but I like comforting her during this period."

Etc. Tact. Otherwise she should respevt his feelings

Ive been estranged from my mothet 7 years. My vlose cousin visits her regularly. He is close to her. I respect that. Its his right.

Random x, my daughter went to uni too. I would sell up when your daughter is accepted into uni and purchase a unit or house within that area. She could live with you. Even rent if you think thats a better idea.

Wont be long she'll have her license and you might be able to buy her a car if proceeds from the sale is good.

Tony WK

Tony WK

[Guest_1584]

Gday grands and wk.

Yeah l dunno about that one tony , maybe l kill another 3yrs of my life here and spirits being so close to ex, the d turns around and goes to some other town or no uni at all or who knows what. That's the thing, she can't know yet they're just her very rough ideas , long way off though yet.

by the my life is well and truly down the toilet from living here . unless something good happened in the meantime for me, not too likely given the last 10yrs in the district. l dunno.

Thanks grandy nice to see ya ,yeah the peace is just beautiful and although l got neighbours one side on the other is 2000ac'sof beaautiful fields so it's like being in town but on acreage . gorgeous living, the old house is really chilled too, ridiculously expensive though for where it is.

don't think l could hack melbourne again either ha, and l'd have to win lotto anyway first but yeah l'd love something bigger than here that's for sure.

l dunno , d doesn't stay anymore, it's all her bf and freinds, we see each other and take off somewhere but the house is a waste of time for her , it's more for me lately that at least she knows l'm here 20mins away and the place is hers to yaknow, but she's rarely here or cares at all anyway lately .

l dunno , given up 18mths here for nothing so far and all expense plus no life is killin me.

l think it's around 1200 pop here, main town 40k, nice place , beach , but ya can't live up there all the time if your living here, go up few times a wk.

even if l wasn't being snubbed here, l'm just totally different to most here anyway , hardly makes any difference anyway.

[Guest_1584]

Damn shame,

The real spanner in works is l waswith my gf when l bought this place.

We were just gonna hop back and forth from hers to mine until d was 18 , reno this and flog it off then move.

but we've broken up and there ain't many new prospects in this place let me tell ya.

[CMF]

Hi all,

RX, i Know how hard it is when there are kids involved but you need to consider your needs and happiness too. Your daughter is not a child anymore and should understand this. She is becoming quite independent and now with the bf and all...I'm hearing you. Being so close to the ex and her new life...no thanks.

I have a similar dilemma to Quirky (I think it was Quirky's). We have family with whom we have not spoken for many years. The disagreement started with our parents but none of us kids really know what it was about. My brother did visit and ask when my mum was dying, as she had asked about them and didn't understand why the fall out happened, but all I know is he went home very upset. Last year one of the cousins, my 2nd cousin, who had moved to the UK came back for a visit for 6 months as his mum had passed away and he came to see his dad and gran. It is his parents and gran the fallout was with but we were so close before hand. We had reconnected via FB and I caught up with him a couple of times. He is now back here to live with his wife and they are staying with his dad and gran. I contacted him to say i will catch up with them soon. My dilemma is that i sort of would like to go to the house to visit and see his dad and gran. His dad was married to my first cousin (deceased) and his gran wa married to my uncle (deceased). but I am worried about my family getting upset with me. I did mention to my sister last year that i wanted to visit but she pointed out that when our mum was dying and my brother went there he made no effort to visit her even though she asked about them. I am upset about this also. My father has passed away too and I know he would not be happy with me going there seeing as they stopped contact. My cousin who is back from the uk has pointed out that whatever happened with our parents is their business, he is not interested in carrying on the fued. I am the same and i want to get over it all but I don't know if going to their house is right because they hurt my parents. If I arrange to meet my cousin somewhere it will make it really obvious that i don't want to see his dad and gran. when he was here last year i also reconnected with other cousins and it was fun but they all catch up and I just see it on FB. I don't expect to be part of the group but i want to be able to catch up without awkwardness. Maybe i need to let go of the good memories like they did? I always feel like an outcast because i am not close to any relo's.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , l sorta agree cm and thanks for the tips.

tbh , this damn area has ruined my life. First we went to hell and back to just get a house, 5yrs of it , after coming back from interstate, then my marriage blows up , and since l've gone through trying to be the best dad lcan like this with d, seeing ex every 5mins, knwoing the mans around too , it's all been sickening.

this town l bought this place is a totally differnet town, 20mins over, but l still have to go over there all the time and , there's just nothing here.

Maybe life takes shape here somehow, someone new or some people, but l sure wouldn't hold my breath after going through all that in this area.

d loves the idea of me moving over to the other one whatever she ends up doing later, she hates the smallness of here too and wants to move away when sshe leaves home.

bloody relo's eh , family , glad l don't get involved. although we have some cousins, huge family like mine, 11 l think. most of the others have always seen then , l never have , not even when l was a kid. but for some strange reason they all know me and hug me and carry on abouut rx this and rx that, l don't even know them , geez it's weird. l've got idea wtf it all is, hadn't seen them 30yrs.

trickie one for you.

maybe you can just go see them and just say , you dunno wth the fude was but your not involved and have felt bad not dropping in and all.

the again , l know that could backfire with yours too.

my ex's sister did that with there's behind the family , didn't go down too well at all when the found out.

l'm so not good with family stuff haha.

[white knight]

Hi all,

CMF, family complexities...mmm...I have a view on these things overall.

Without going into detail my father (dec) had 6 siblings. After he married my mother they had to live with his father as my brother was ill and needed care at a nearby hospital. My fathers sisters, all 4 of them, had a big argument with my mother and my dad removed them from his dads house to rent a shed then get a house built. They swore they would never visit the sisters again.

We moved to Melbourne as the childrens hospital was there. When my grandfather died my father attended the funeral alone and secretly visited his sisters...but he dare not tell anybody mainly our mother. He was in fear.

Dad died in 1992. In 2010 my mother and I split and I wont see her again such was her abuse levels. Two years ago I got a strange message on Facebook "hello cuz". It was a cousin, one of the daughters of my fathers sister. We struck up a relationship including my sister. We visited when the last auntie was still alive at 92yo (dec last year) and we now have dozens of cousins and their kids as part of our family.

The reason for the original split in 1957? My mother wanted to play tennis every day and wouldn't do any housework in her father in laws house. We were told for 53 years that it was because of other reasons that simply weren't true.

This example is to highlight that relationships between people is their right. My cousin whom I'm very close to always visits my mother. I encourage him because he loves her and her him. He makes a light mention about her but never obligations for me to patch up anything.

I also don't believe in recalling our deceased parents wishes. Your dad CMF had his own choices. you have yours. You are not him and he not you. I hope you know what I mean. we are all individuals.

I don't know if I've made any sense whatsoever, its late and I'm tired. I hope I have.

Tony WK

[CMF]

Hi Tony and everyone,

Re my last dilemma post, today I went to visit my cousin and his dad and gran. Caught up with my cousin and his wife at a picnic couple of weeks ago. My older daughter plays the flute and he mentioned last week he has one and she is welcome to borrow it, I said thx and we'll see how we go and he invited us over for a coffee to 'have a look at it'. So today we went. I haven't seen his dad and gran for about 14 years cos of the fued. The have aged so much, his gran is 93, pretty switched on, his dad 84 ( she is his mil). His dad looks so frail. I have some memories of going there when his mum ( my 1st cousin) was alive. They have aged so much, the house is now so quiet. It was a nice afternoon and his dad told me I am welcome anytime. I'm glad I went. I'm an emotional mess tonight for some reason. Whilst we were there I got a text from my niece, she is expecting her first baby. New beginnings all round.

we didn't take the flute. It was so old, been in storage about 30 years, could hardly get a sound out of it. Somehow I don't think the invite was really about the flute ☺️

[Ggrand]

Hi Tony and everyone else,

My dilemma is not big or really that important, maybe it's not a dilemma, I think I need an opinion instead..

The town next to mine has a darts team which I was a member, we played weekly not competition just for fun but we were competitive with each other..

I got sick with MH a few years back and slowly stopped going, They rang me mid last year and asked if I could play with them for the day to get the team number up..I said yes apprehensively,...I'll get get ready and be there in 15 minutes..I was just about to leave when the phone rang, I answered it and they said they cancelled the match for that day..I was pleased in a way because I was struggling to get out.. I found out the next day that they did play that day.

The team leader rang me last week to ask me if I want to rejoin the team, as the passing of my friend, left them one player short..I told them to give me a week to decide..

I'm afraid if I say yes, it's only because they haven't found another player, what if I say yes and then they get someone else and reject me again.. I'm scared to say yes because I think they are only going to use me until a new player is found.

I feel that this is something that will help me to commit myself to going out once a week, but at the same time I'm afraid that I will get hurt if I say yes..

I really am stuck and don't know what I should do..any suggestions or help will be appreciated very much..

Kindness only.

Grandy.