Carrying another person's pain

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends.....I didn't know which thread to post this on....hoping this one will do...

I read some blogs on Tiny Buddha website to help me with having "too much"empathy...i.e. just now (it has happened before with me) a close family member is going through a very bad time, seemingly unsolvable problems, and is very very low. They have been suffering emotionally and mentally for a long time now without confiding in anyone. Since knowing how bad their situation is, I think of it constantly, feeling the urge to "fix it" for them, just let me take over, make things right.

It is more than "worrying" about them although of course I do worry terribly. I sort of "know" how they feel and I feel it too. It's a heavy burden even though I dearly love this person and would do anything for them......am I "carrying around their pain"? I think I am. I cry easily when I dwell too much on it...not for myself...I am OK...but for another's pain. it's almost like grieving, a deep despair that I cannot help them.

I foresee more pain for them unless "I" can fix this for them. I am hurting and in pain, even though I realise it is someone else's pain that I am sort of "carrying for them". Any advice how I can put this down? Should I put this down? How do I stop dwelling on another's pain....I love this person and would do anything for them to "make them happy". I think of what they are going through practically 100% of the time.

any thoughts from you would be greatly appreciated...........love...Moon S

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

You seem to be struggling with giving yourself permission to not worry 100% of the time. Lass it's ok to give yourself time doing/thinking things other than your loved ones problems. It's not selfish nor uncaring.

Rather than questioning yourself when you do find yourself being "in the moment" perhaps it would be better if you question when you are worrying/ruminating about your loved one ... how does this help/change things for the person I love. If it doesn't change things then you are exhausting yourself for no good reason.

If the thoughts are because your trying to think of ways to help your loved one, thinking constantly is unlikely to result in useful ideas. You will just find your thoughts going in circles. It's far better to allow yourself a set time to try & think of something useful, then when the time is up don't let your thoughts dwell on it. Do something completely different your brain will keep working on it even if it's not at the fore front of your thoughts.

I know all I've said is "easier said than done". You know we can't live someone else's life for them & as much as we may wish too we can't solve another's problems for them. What we can do is let them know our concern & let them know we are there to listen/help if wanted or to suggest possible choices they may think of trying.

Then you have to do something which is hard... you have to step back & accept that they will do whatever they think is best...for good or bad.... & all the worrying in the world won't change that.

Sending you the gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Thanks for understanding Paw Prints, it's a hard one...and you are spot on I think, when you say I am almost trying to "give myself permission to not worry 100% of the time". I have a lot of good stuff available to me in my life and wasting them will not help my loved one at all, not one tiny bit!

The intelligent rational side of me knows this. I had the chance to be with the person going through the trouble recently and was able to give the best advice and point of view that I could. I am satisfied I chose the right words and let them know they are not alone....that there are others, besides me, who care and are ready to listen and help when or if needed.

I think I have done all I can. another thing I have to try to stop doing is catastrophising and overthinking, "what might happen in the future"...or "what if the situation gets worse" "what if they don't take my advice"...."what if they fall to pieces under the strain".......also have to resist the urge to phone, or text just to say "are you OK?" every 10 minutes!!!

I am doing my best and your "gentlest of hugs" is just what I needed. I am very good at covering up my vulnerability and sadness, so my need for a hug probably goes unnoticed here "in the real world".....

thank you...Moonstruck

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just listen to our rational self & completely ignore our emotional self's constant worrying, just like flipping a switch.

I thought I would pop in & just let you know I'm thinking of you & I'm here to listen if you need to talk to someone,

Sending you some very huggily hugs

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Thank you so much....that means a lot to me...you have a good day too...love, Moonstruck

[Moonstruck]

I am still not coping well with this. My loved one still has a lot of sorting out to do and I keep imagining, catastrophising...."what's happening now? should I ring and just ask Is everything OK?"......I can't keep doing this all the time...he is a busy person. I go about my life but my imagination runs riot when I stop and acknowledge/remember what he has been, and still is, going through.

what if, what if....what if things are worse? what if he has fallen apart? what if he is trying not to bother me by letting me know how things are?..........he knows where I am and I am here for him. I can't expect him to ring or text every single day....my rational self KNOws that!!! My emotional self wants to protect him! I can't.

I am like a broken record I realise that and don't blame anyone for being sick of reading this. I have to vent somehow, somewhere. It's private and I can't just tell "anyone"....

I want people I love to be Happy!! What do we do, when they are not? We want people we love to be well. What do we do when they are ill? How do we put the load down? It's not even my load, but it has become my load, because I want to carry it for my loved one.

Perhaps it is better not to love anyone at all. Just go through life not caring about or loving anyone in particular...no family, no children, no attachments. Just casual acquaintances that come and go. Perhaps better to live completely 100% for oneself...detached, comfortable, content and peaceful.

If you have no love in your life, you have no love to lose have you? Too late for me I'm afraid. I already love. I love too much.

[Moonstruck]

It is not getting any better. I am going down down down. I cut out little bits of wisdom about this subject from websites, or wherever...and stick on the inside of my cupboard door. I read. I try and distract myself. It is becoming a real chore to get out of bed, to carry out everyday activities...shopping, paying accounts, etc. I feel my hands are tied behind my back.

advice is always "you can't carry around pain that is not yours" "you must care for yourself first, before you can help another"......I know all that, so why can't I carry it through?

I can't put it down. Not while someone I love is hurting. It is not my pain...and yet I am bowed over and beaten down with the heavy load. I feel now my knees will buckle under the weight,....and the knowledge that it will get much worse for my loved one before it gets better. They had been suffering for ages before telling me.

I can't live with the knowledge of how long they have been in pain and I didn't know the extent of it. I can't do this much longer.

[Paw Prints]

Lass I hear you. I'm here for you.

I wish I had words that would magically ease your pain, I don't.

I know you feel it's too personal to share details, but you can share your pain.

Please Please Please lass, pick up the phone....

call the help line....1300 224 636

call your Psych

call your GP (make a double booking so there is time to talk)

call a friend... go to their place... have them come to yours... someone to give you a hug...hold your hand... just be there for you...

Be gentle with yourself lass.... I'm sending you the huggliest of hugs

Paws

[Sophie_M]

Hi Moonstruck,

We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we, like Paw Prints and others, are worried about you. We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and webchat (3pm-midnight AEDT) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

Do please check in with us here on the forums and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.

[Paw Prints]

Dear Moon,

I'm still sitting with you in spirit lass....

No words... just the gentlest of hugs....

Love

Paws

[Moonstruck]

thank you. I have an appt with psych/counsellor very soon, but not a clue what to say. Feel a bit groggy and shaky actually....stay up as late as I can at night...(the only time the world does not intrude) before the day begins with all its noise, light, people, hurriedness, clocks ticking the day away, heat, cars, machinery, TV, blaring ads.....and the mayhem that we live in now in this society.

thats why I love the darkness and quiet of the night...hence my shortage of sleep! I don't know where to begin talking to this lady this morning ....what will I say? I am so exhausted. Yet I haven't done anything particularly physical to bring it on....exercise, or hard physical work or heavy housework etc.......so why the exhaustion?

I hope I this morning does not prove a waste of time........its a long story and I don't know where to begin.