Caring for your 'well' partner

[white knight]

Sounds basic but I hope my comments here dont step on any feelings. The objective is to help and honesty should not be compromised.

Severe mental illness can be so debilitating that the sufferer needs 100% care from their partner often at times to the point whereby the ill can resemble an emotional "sponge". Absorbing every comment their ears come across. Being sensitive to every comment and often they are 100% absorbed within themselves ...to just survive, just to keep living. What effect must this have on their partner?

Family and friends not living with the ill have constant respite. They can even distance themselves at will. IF they are not feeling 100% themselves then they can cut contact for a few days and "go shopping" ? They have the choice of space. Not so the partner. I can picture it now. The partner leaves in the morning for work at 7am, trundles through bus and trains to the city to work in a big city office, tolerates all the gossip and infighting there then trundles home again. Finally gets home at 7pm knowing all along his battles for the day are only just beginning. He/she walks in the door, no hug, he/she asks how was your day and is met with glassy eyes and no reply. Finally after making a drink his/her partner finally talks and out comes the same comments about the past that the worker has heard all too often before.

It's a sad story and many carers/partners endure this sad sad life. Of course I am not levelling fault here in any way. That is what is sad about it....there is no fault !!.

In the case above let us presume you are the one with the depressive illness. What to do to avoid a very unhappy partner that ultimately is caring for you every day? They need care to. They need you.

Here are my suggestions (easiest to most difficult) for you to try with all your might, to implement on a regular daily practice:

1/ Greet.  If you can walk to the toilet when in need then you can walk to the door to greet your partner. You dont have to talk, just hug.

2/ Ask how was their day? For that one answer focus and listen.

3/ When your partner asks you how you are going be honest and clear. If you are consumed by the past or your hurt that he/she has heard so many times before then a comment like "I went back there again today so am not feeling ok" is better.

4/ Plan a small evening event. eg Ask your partner what TV show they would like to watch

Providing as normal a home life as possible can be your greatest gift to your carer helping them to keep caring

[HA1]

Hello Geoff

WK noted that the ground-in guilt we feel is not easy to overcome. Sadly that will be so.   I have read and re-read your post so many times now - it resonated so loudly with me - I can feel the pain and guilt in your post as if it was mine.  

Please, as you yourself have countless of times reminded others on this forum, try and take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone with these feelings.  You know this better than most on here.

Hoping that you are OK,

K

[geoff]

dear All, in earlier posts that there were so many problems that I could never solve or have a rational talk even now with my ex about how I was feeling back then, so this was a one package that I packed up, put in a box sealed it and send it a drift to the Bermuda Triangle.

It doesn't matter how I felt then because my life has changed, I only drink socially now, and I am able to end the conversation when I need to.

I suppose I stay in contact with her because of our grand children, plus there are times when we have a laugh.

I will never be able to change her, and don't want to anyway. Geoff.

[LML]

Thank you WK, its easier knowing I'm not the only one this is happening to, I have been accusing my newly diagnosed hubby of being rude & cruel, looks as tho I will have to adjust my expectations for a while. Now I feel mean for telling him its like pouring unconditional love into a black hole (eek).

Looks a tho we may be up for a 30 year journey & he hasn't even been medicated for 6 weeks yet (first medication too!)

[white knight]

Hi LML,

Dont worry. I always believe that once carers tak a baby step they are on the way to being a great supprter of their cared one. Going on here and reading threads is your first step.

Reading = understanding. Understanding = acceptance. Acceptance leads to harmony and harmony trickles to happiness.

[HA1]

Nicely put WK.

[HA1]

Yesterday was not a good day; for me nor my partner/carer. She had seen my mood start swinging south and that I was starting to withdraw again.

Yesterday was the first time she has broken down and cried for a very long time - she had been so strong. I thought my strategy had been working - but obviously not. It is clear that my illness is starting to bear down on her too.  Last night she lamented that I was no longer the man she had married, that I was no longer 'here', that she no longer knew me.  Not said in an angry way, but very sad way.  That hurt. 

I have told her that she needs to start actively looking after herself, maybe join a careers support group.  Maybe talk to a psychologist.

Today I will take her out for the day, to wander around the shops, have lunch, and walk around some more.  Hope this helps her now, but the future ....

take care

K

[white knight]

Hi AOK,

This was the reason for the thread. Even when we dont think much about our carers tolerance...it can be building up then explode. Then we are in damage control and we feel like our our personal struggles have to be on the backburner...just like our carers are always on the backburner.

Yes, a bit of pampering wont do any harm. Bare in mind of course that things said in the heat of the moment are often not the accurate way its meant. None of us are the person we married. We change. It might not mean that she doesnt love you.

All the best AOK.

[tam40]

I am glad someone said this.  I just wanted to say that I know what it feels like to do everything for partner and his family and not be well myself.  I just had a baby 5 months ago.  Moved out of rental home into his parents.  Out in the middle of nowhere. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression 2 months ago.  Not that they care I still have to do all the cooking cleaning and food shopping as well as looking after my baby.  I finally cracked last weekend when my partner s 13 year old said she hates me and I am a bad person and bad mother .She wants to see my baby her half brother but not have anything to do with me. My partner s mother is very critical and quite verbally abusive at times I want to move but my partner does not.

[white knight]

Hi Tam,

So the first thing that pops into my head is - is your partner having a defacto relationship with your family or you?

My younger sister (now 53) when she was 19 her new husband and her stayed with our parents in their home- didnt work out. My opinion is- it rarely does.

So now you'd feel ostracised.  I cant tell you what to do but there are half way houses you can take your child, and maybe something like that will wake him up. Or a friends house for a while. Be careful. Without knowing all the details if you let it known you are planning to move out, the family could turn on you and try to keep your baby.  If you want to move out then do it without warning IMO.

Wonder if your in-laws would help you out doing the chores if you had a broken leg?

Onto your step daughter. My kids were 9 and 6 yo when I met a lady. The kids and her didnt hit it off and I thought it would pass in time. Nope, 10 years later we separated this reason. Your step daughter doesnt know what qualifies makes a good mother so her opinion isnt relevant. She is entitled to not like you but beyond that she shouldnt force issues.

[HA1]

WK - thanks for the well wishes.

Well, today was partner/carer day in our household.  Left the house early this morning and spent the whole day away doing simple things like strolling through shops and eating all day. (Me being patient waiting outside ladies wear shops will partner took her time, and her time ...) Nice.  Being out all day meant no chance for me to mope around, lie in bed to late morning, etc.  

Came back home she went to gym (pity her boxing partner!), while I cooked dinner.  It made a difference.  Must start making partner/carer day a regular event. 

A good day all around.

Take care

K