Benefit of the doubt could save embarrassment

[white knight]

Twice in recent years I've been bullied. I'm 58 and 120 kgms. But the age and size doesnt mean anything when we are talking sensitivity and emotion.

The first was straight bullying. A person that didnt like a post on a forum but knew of my ills, sent me a message telling me to "go to your doctor and get more medication you nutter".  Cut and dried I relied on the clubs committee that did nothing.

Fast track to the second example. I fell out with a woman over her abrasive posts on a forum I was a moderator to. Her husband sent me a message almost carbon copy of the first bully's message. "go to your doctor to get more meds".  So as the first bully wasnt dealt with effectively I decided to take the matter in my own hands.  I waited a few weeks for a club get together and fronted the man I believed was a coward.  Nose to nose I yelled at him that he was indeed a coward and a bully etc.  I vented, felt better for about 10 minutes as I departed the area with club members in shock.

The problem is.....since then with the help of others, I've realised a few things.  1/ he is a very nice man  2/  That his words in his message wasnt meant to be nasty or of a bullying intent, in fact he meant well by it. His thinking was that I wasnt well and that a review of my meds would help. I have since made up with him but his wife- well is a lost cause there. Some are not forgiving.

To my point of this thread-  does mental illness promote 'foot in the mouth' proneness? I read once where ADHD sufferers do have foot in the mouth often and I did have ADHD when younger (I'm 58).  But in this case its more like lack of seeking clarification, full communication and miss interpretation.

I wonder if others here knee jerk like I have?  I wonder if this trait is because of cognitive deficiency? A skill not learned when younger? I've often suggested that those with mental illness often remain on the fringes in clubs or in society. I wonder if this is one reason for it? 

Knowing what I know now I'd never join a committee.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...said Malcolm Fraser. Embarrassment for some of us is more devastating than for others. It could be a major trigger.  How can we avoid over reacting when we are convinced we are 100% right?  It's like I lack wisdom but I've searched for it on supermarket shelves and there is no sign of the product.......

[HelenM]

Hi White Knight

I don't think this problem is to do with mental illness. And perhaps one of my few skills is that I don't go right in there until I've checked my facts..And then (I sound like I'm bragging here) I handle the situation diplomatically.  Before I learnt that skill I was too much of a coward to challenge anyone and would have ran to the loo crying. I guess this is one of the few things my ex husband taught me. He's a social worker and is excellent at handling situations and getting results he wants. 

Anyway I've gone on a bit but I definitely think that checking things out and being calm is the way forward. Unless someone's really bad and that's when I wish I was big and tough!

Helen x

[geoff]

dear WK, another good and interesting post, which does raise a few points for me.

First off all can I comment on what Helen has said ' . He's a social worker and is excellent at handling situations and getting results he wants', I agree with this in that there are so many occasions where this does actually happen, but what the social worker, counsellor or even uni counsellor want is something which is way off your radar, you don't understand or agree with their theory but it's shoved down your throat, sort of forcing you down that path, eventually it backfires.

Boy oh boy 'hindsight is a wonderful thing', because what we know now we would have done things so much more differently than what actually happened, and it is on the shelf but it's 'use by date' has expired.

At school we are always taught what is right and punished if we do something wrong with little or no explanation, whereas maybe what should happen is to be taught the reasons why we are wrong and the consequences of what happen if we went down that path.

There was a time I wanted to join a local bowling club, yes I know I'm turning 60 this year, but this was awhile ago, however I knew of some chap who was the gossip spreader and like to dominate who joins and whether they could be controlled by him and the club, so I didn't join because of him.

At that time I was trying to push my solemn mood away, by being in denial and would have been very gullible for any comments he made, plus his 'miss interpretation' of mental illness as being weak, even though I was much bigger than he was, so yes size means nothing, the 'bigger they are the harder they fall'.

There are times when we believe that we are right, which we have learnt from the past, but on so many occasions we might as well talk to a brick wall, because we are referred to as being a nutter, that's why the mentally ill, which I still class myself as, never want to talk to other people, because being classified as this certainly isn't nice.

I have learnt so much from being depressed, and I'm sure this includes you WK, and other people as well, because it has taught us a great deal as we endeavour to become a stronger person, which overcoming depression does do, not that you may not realise it, but I assure you it does. Geoff.

[white knight]

Oh yes Geoff, I've learned so much, often the hard way. So glad I faced my demons many years ago. It isnt easy taking someone elses advice that you arent behaving within the sphere of normality. You used the word "gullible" when describing when younger. Add to that a person that is domineering and/or judgement and you have a unsavory situation IMO.

Helen, Just like it isnt easy for a depressed person to see things rationally (as we have discussed on other posts) I think it would be difficult for some of us to remain calm and gather all the facts before emotion takes over. It seems like the proper process...but it is so easy to assume a comment like "go to the Dr and get more meds" is indeed bullying.

Nevertheless, I take your point and even at 58yo I still dont care if I have to learn the hard way and add a little guidance as well. Stubborness has no place in the important development of the brain, where maturity didnt take place.

Those with mental illness can get caught up in their own world of need.  I made a comment to an old friend once- "my health isnt as good as yours". My friend of 40 years looked at me and replied "you dont know". Later I quizzed his wife.  My friend had had a running battle with stomach cancer I knew nothing about. Here was a friend that for years listened to my woes and struggles dealing with them. Now if I am to visit him I ask how HIS health is before he gets a chance to ask me how mine is.

Perceptions, assumptions, over reaction, foot in mouth....all these and more can be symptoms of mental illness and/or cognitive deficiency IMO.  It all adds up to lack of wisdom.  Carrying around the behaviour of a 10 year old in an adult world isnt easy to deal with for us and those we communicate with.

I wonder if I'm onto another point. As to why some of us reject human contact or at least reduce it.....

[geoff]

dear WK, I couldn't agree any more than ' Add to that a person that is domineering and/or judgement and you have a unsavory situation', and that's why we are gullible, because perhaps it's our lack of experience and can be tempted in the wrong direction.

This dear friend of yours who has stomach cancer is someone who has been through the ringer, he knows what other people are trying to cope with, and perhaps realises his fate, so now he is more concerned about you and how you are felling, because you yourself have been through the ringer as well.

I would take this as being an optimist and is more concerned about the people he has been in contact with, perhaps this is what I am trying to be, to all those still suffering, as plenty of water has passed under the bridge for me. Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Geoff,

"plenty of water has passed under the bridge".

We are entering our golden years, well from 50 onwards anyway.  Plenty of experience, gone through that "wringer", etc etc. Most people would love their same life over again whereas I wouldnt dare wish it.

Yes, my friend is a kind man, strongly religious and caring. Some never let on their health struggles. Others like me blab them.  We are very different.

[HelenM]

You're right WK. It's easy for me to say stay calm but our way of relating to situations and dealing with our emotions vary from person to person. And to be honest I have an extremely over the top reaction to people or creatures suffering. I won't bore you with the details but it can really affect my behaviour at times.

Take care, Helen