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Poisonous Environment

Feathered23
Community Member

I don't really know where I would post this, so I just put it as general. I live with my Mother, because I love her and I know if I left home she would not be able to cope without me. She has a chronic illness and is also very depressed and stresses over many things to an extreme extent. I also get very stressed, and these days I carry a lot of the emotional burden for both of us. Especially since I cannot get upset in front of her. If I do she becomes more upset, often she will even claim I do not have the same right as her to be upset. She believes we are isolated from the world (which in many ways we are). However, she encouraged my relationships with friends, even seeming to like my new friends. It has always been hard for me to make friends, and I do not have many people I call true friends.

Recently, she was badgering me about things when I was stressed. She was basically repeating things I was already feeling, so I snapped at her explaining this was the case. She has blocked me off since then, explaining she no longer wants anything to do with anyone because no one cares for her. She is refusing to talk, refusing to go anywhere, even to things she used to like doing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because she has previously accused me of secretly ganging up with my brother against her, and she believes my friends sided with me the other day.

I go from feeling like running from the whole situation to wanting to stay and help, but she won't let me, and I don't know what else I can do. Normally she gets over these emotional fits quite quickly, but this is going longer, and I feel like when she does snap out of it it may be too late...

2 Replies 2

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Feathered, I know how it can feel to be walking on eggshells around a family member, but it sounds like you are in need of a shoulder and shouldn't be dealing with this on your own. Don't let her moods cut you off from speaking with your brother and your hard-earned close friends - it sounds like the smallest things can set her off anyway, so part of your ongoing management of her may be accepting that she has moods and that they are not rational. 

Perhaps you can set boundaries in place so that you don't engage in arguments when she gets irrational. Basically call a time-out, and go to another room when this happens. Let her know that you won't engage when she gets like this.  

Feathered you sound quite beaten down by this whole situation and this is understandable. If you are going to be in a position of looking after her, then you need to make sure that you have the right supports in place for you as well. Looking after someone with a chronic illness is tough enough in itself without adding the extra burden of that person being demanding emotionally as well.

Struggler
Community Member
Hi Feathered

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Most children would just run away, yet you stick by her.  Your dedication to your mum is most commendable.  She needs to speak to a social worker or counsellor about that.  She doesn't know how lucky she is.  

She is also living a very frustrating and difficult life having to depend on you.  As a mother, she wants you to have a happy life but at the same time she fears of losing you because that's all she has.  That's why she displays such difficult behaviour.  

Tell her you love her and she is number one in your life and you want to look after.  Tell her you need her to help you to look after her.  Explain that by losing her temper, it drives you away and you feel that you walk on egg shells everyday.  

When you've  been out with friends, share the good times with her and thank her for bringing you to this world.  Do small things for her such as buy her an ice cream.  She feels insecure so reassurance is essential.

Struggler