Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quirky,

Accidentally stumbled upon your thread when I was checking out new posts. It's a happy accident 🙂

I think this is a very interesting thread, and judging by the varied responses, you have struck a chord with many people.

Can you be yourself without changing?

Um...I'm not sure if I have understood this question properly but I'll try adding my 2c anyway...

I think this largely depends on what is being changed and your reason for the change. As Tony WK said- I'm paraphrasing- if it's a behavioural change that has to do with being considerate of other people (or animals) then I think that you can still "be yourself" in those instances. Apologies to Tony WK if I have misinterpreted your post.

But I think if the change would require uprooting core aspects of yourself (and not only, say, behavioural changes) e.g. values, principles, beliefs, etc then it might be a different story.

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Um...fence sitter in me says "yes" and "no." Again, my 2 cents is it depends on why you want to change/improve and how much that change would affect your sense of "self" as you previously knew.

For example, if you wanted to change to (purely) please other people then maybe you're compromising core aspects of your personality in the process. But if you wanted to change because you felt like your actions were hurting others then I feel you can still be true to yourself in those situations.

The other thing is that I think people evolve...most people don't just emotionally or intellectually stagnate at one point in their lives. To an extent, I think change is inevitable...whether you still feel like "you" after a series of changes will vary from individual to individual.

Also, I agree with James' point about how people aren't extremes but we are on a spectrum. Say, just because one identifies as being "introverted" doesn't automatically mean that he/she won't have situations where he or she is the life of the party. Similarly, a person who identifies as "extraverted" can also have moments where he/she just wants to be alone. I like to think we all exist on spectrums of personality and human behaviour. Moreover, we aren't rooted at any one point on any given spectrum...there is room to move in my opinion 🙂

Anyway, that's it from me for now. I don't expect everyone to share the same views as me but I just wanted to chime in with my subjective take on it 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[quirkywords]

Quercus

Thanks for replying. I appreciate that.

I like your list, are those core values.

I am writing these from the top of my head no editing.

i never want to offend, hurt or doiscriminate against anyone.

I always try to help others.

I am honest.

Iam messy.

I Ike to collect things.

I am passionate about destigmatising mental health illnesses.

Thanks again

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Pepper thanks for your detailed reply. I put a post on Love yourself thread this morning about my thread.

I appreciate your support.

I agree people evolve over time in many ways.

I think being a fence sitter can let you see both sides or you get splinters.

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks, in all honesty, I often see more than 2 sides...queen of grey here lol...but hey, if I can get a weird birds eye view then a few splinters is a small price to pay 😉

Pepper

[white knight]

Hi Shell...small buttons on small phones.

Quirky, congratulations in this thread, its already sparked interest. You are helping yourself AND other members.

Seeking out "you" is a brave move. So IMO what does that involve? Speaking as a person that only found himself about 10 years ago and I'm 61.

1. Drawing a line in the sand on what you disapprove of. Your line, nobody elses. Eg a noisy neighbour might be ok by you. A local asks you to join her in a complaint to council. If you feel such action isnt justified, stand by your beliefs. 2. Write down your likes and dislikes. Say you dislike traffic...counter it eg camping. Dislike frienfs that are bossy...counter action is working towards nicely limiting them from your life. 3. List your "likes". Hobbies, sports, activities. Focus more on such interests.

Early last year my very depressed wife joined a line dancing group. She loves it. A couple of her friends commented "that's American" and "a waste of time". But she loves it and wont accept criticism.

Reactions..most of our reactions are uniquely automatic to us. Yes we can all be frusyrating to others at times but at the end of the day too much criticism and constant requests not to say this or that wears you down to the point whereby your confidence is so low you wont have any idea who you are.

This is why putting up the walls of defence are so important, that line in the sand that you draw telling others "I will answer you how I decide to answer, not give you the answer you crave. If you are not happy with my answers dont ask me the question." Or, "you might not like line dancing, thats your choice. Life is full of choices and opinions. My opinion is line dancing is great for me and I make it my choice"

It is a pity such basic freedom of choice has to be a struggle for us. Why? Power struggles, manipulation, ownership of you, people thinking others only like what they like....which is a way of saying they are self centred.

Your pursuit means your are restarting yourself. Insteadvof it being an ordeal see it as an exciting journey of discovery. To find the true you, your own needs, desires and feelings.

There is only one Quirky and you're very very special.

Tony WK

[Guest_128]

Wow Quirky,

well haven't you bought a bucket of worms to the party.

that for me is the number one question?

I have know fi idea.

looking forward to what others like us say.

Thanks

Later

[quirkywords]

Morning everyone and hello to those who have not commented but are thinking about it,

All contributions are welcome. I like getting ideas from other people because as you can see I am often in a muddle at times.

Tony, Thanks for your helpful comments and kind words.

My problem is my likes and dislikes can change daily. My other choice for a thread was on indecision but I could not make my mind up which topic to choose. I do not have definite opinions. I might say I like walking but not when I am tired. I don't like loud music except when I sing.

I am 60 next year and wonder if I will find 'me' find the authentic me or my voice. This does not worry me but it seems to be a pressure these days to have self knowledge and insight.

We are all unique and special in our won way yet we are constantly being told to change and improve.

Nine names

Thanks for your comment. Is a bucket of worms a good or bad thing. I suppose at a fishing party they would be handy.

I am also looking forward to other people's ideas and welcome all ideas no matter how short or long-within the character limit!

This thread is an adventure for me. Join me.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Morning Quirky,

My thought for the day...

What about considering your fluidity as a feature of who you are?

It can be a huge positive...

Adaptable. Flexible. Able to conside other points of view. Dynamic. Exciting.

What do you think? There are pros and cons to all personalities. If you are indecisive does that have to be a negative thing?

[quirkywords]

Quercus, that is a great suggestion. I suppose indecision is seen as negative by others but I like the idea of seen it in positive others. Also in some situation indecision could be harmful but in others in could be helpful.

Can you and others think of a personality trait you have that others may see as annoying, you can reframe in a different way.?

Like Quercus writing that my indecisive nature could be seen as being flexible and adaptable.

Quirky

[Guest_128]

If I used all the worms in the bucket to catch fish, I would do very well indeed!

If I used all the worms in the bucket to ask all the questions I ask myself who the heck is just me, the bucket would be empty and I still wouldn't know who is me!

What part of me totally screwed up my marriage and family? FOR FIVE YEARS when there was nothing wrong except my Mental Health!

Later