Dear Quirky and All,
I am finding that there can be a difference between someone suggesting we change something about ourselves based on a projection from them that may not fit us, and someone suggesting we can change because they have insight and they care.
So I think it is important to consider where the other person is coming from and to also check in with ourselves as to whether there is validity or not in their assessment of us.
Recently, when I was in a very bad way with strong depression and anxiety, I finally got the courage to go out into the world after days in bed unable to move. A woman at a cafe asked me how I was. I said I'd had a tough week but was getting there, starting to improve. She then made a sarcastic put down comment which was basically no one is going to help you, get over yourself.
Given the state I was already in this cut really deep. Based on my childhood conditioning of always being told there was something wrong with me, I immediately started to think, yes, there is something really wrong with me. But another part of me knew what she said couldn't be further from the truth. I have always had to survive on my own and have never expected anyone else to take care of me or solve my issues. I have always been proactive at trying to solve things too. So whatever she was projecting did not fit me at all and then I could reject it, knowing that is not who I am.
I think what I'm trying to say is that if we know ourselves and who we are, we can then more accurately assess someone else's interpretation of us. I think we can still be ourselves and make some changes, and sometimes people may suggest something that might help us, but our core self still remains underneath even if we make adjustments to how we are in certain aspects of ourselves.
In my experience I have learnt much more from how other people themselves are as people than I have from what they say. It is often said that children learn more from the energy and behaviours of the adults around them than they do from the words those adults say. For example, a parent telling a child to settle down and behave when the adult is unsettled and angry, doesn't really help the child who absorbs the parent's angry, unsettled energy which contradicts the verbal instruction they are giving to the child. I think that rings true in adulthood too. So I even tend to question people feeling the need to tell others what to do or how to be. I think the greatest thing any of us can offer in this world is how we act. I find being around a person with a kind energy does more for me than someone telling me their opinion about how to be in the world. As corny as it sounds, actions speak louder than words.
Also, I think at certain times parts of us come out more than others. Sometimes we will feel more introverted and want time and space to ourselves. Other times we might feel more extroverted and want to engage with others and do something social. Sometimes we feel brave and sometimes we feel cautious. I think it is quite normal to pass through different stages and I think we can still be ourselves within that.
There are certain approaches to therapy now such as Internal Family Systems that recognise we all have parts to ourselves and that that is quite normal. When our parts are well integrated our mental health is at its best. When a part becomes dissociated from the rest we can start to struggle with our mental health. Sometimes that part just needs recognition and nurturing to re-integrate. All along we are still ourselves, with all the parts that go to make up who we are.
I'm not sure if that helps or makes sense, but those are just my thoughts that came up in relation to your post. I always love your thoughtful posts Quirky.
Hugs from ER
