Apologies- when to give them

[white knight]

I've noticed with myself in the past and some members posts on this forum a tendency for us to apologise when commonly it is not given. Where is this link to mental health issues? 

While under stress some of us go into panic mode, we over worry about the consequences of our reactions. We can also be over sensitive and we could be self aware of this or have been told. Subsequently we become more controversial, more often in conflict so effectively we can enter into conflict more often. Being vulnerable we want to patch up the damage done by any means and that can lead to apologies when not warranted. 

When we apologise we are endorsing the other persons stance so, if their views aren't actually correct or only partially correct by rubber stamping them fully we open ourselves to that view being the benchmark of that topic... forever. You'll be reminded - "but you said I was correct and you apologised". It is as difficult as unscrambling an egg. 

Being submissive isnt the way to go. So what is the better direction? Well, partial apology can save the situation. "I'll say sorry that I raised my voice and that was an overreaction, so let's start again and I'll try to talk at a normal volume". By apologising directly for what you are definitely guilty of, you deflate the adverse atmosphere of the debate, without actually saying sorry for any other part. This alone helps.

In my thread below, I presented a technique a couple can adopt to defuse conflicts. Basically it involves the adoption of - giving a partner space, one of you offers to share a beverage and you chat or if not ready the other person should make the approach when ready. So in relation to apologising this can be slotted into the moment you both sit down and discuss things. A double level of resolve- time following the argument and an apology when you are both about to talk.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

Finally, there is the flip side of apologies we should discuss, that being the person that rarely if ever offers one, which is their makeup. We cannot embed our own apologetic qualities into others as a standard others should possess. Therefore based on that we have to, unfortunately, accept the closest thing to it- signs of remorse can include positive vibes like "ok, I understand" or "we'll work towards that" anything that indicates moving on. It's their way of saying "lets bury this" at which point - you do.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Tony 

I confess I am an over apologiser, the queen of sorry.

I please people so I say sorry as I don’t want to upset people. Also I don’t like conflict.

I am aware I do it so  I am working on it.

thanks Tony 

[randomxx]

My gf was a funny one in those ways.

Rarely does she admit to something or apologise in the normal sense, she might even deny it point blank.

But in time l saw to not take her stubbornness too seriously as you could bet over the next few days or wks if it was right, she'll start working on it very subtlety. Once l got to realize her ways it became so cute but of course l'm not suppose to notice and she wasn't wrong. lt just so happens that she woke up a few days later and just decided to do things this or that way instead that's all.

And then in time l'm suppose to just casually start noticing these new things "she's" decided she might do.

lt's such a classic . The heart is in the right place it just has a little bit of trouble and pride admitting it.

rx

[Guest_16431]

hi tony, rx and quirky. Long time.

People who never apologise to me its a bit of a red flag, my Dad was like that, he felt it was not necessary in life to ever apologise, and that within families etc no apologies necessary etc. 

Apologies are helpful and humbling and healing. Ive had some heartfelt apologies in my life and want to get better and giving them. 

Being remorseful can lead to growth.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Tony, Quirky rxx, Sleepy & everyone

An apology can be a social lubricant, like saying "please", "thank you', "you're welcome", "excuse me", "beg your pardon" & to say, "no, you first", & more, I'm sure. Maybe even saying something doesn't matter, too is a social lubricant. These parts of conversation help to smooth any bumps in the conversation, helps to keep the peace, as well as saying "sorry" when the infraction was not our making, or unavoidable, or even when we don't feel sorry at all. I have indeed heard people saying "sorry" or "excuse me" very sarcastically when clearly their was no mistake made by them. Most of the time, it's polite, manners, little words which might stop another from becoming offended &/or aggressive.

As for the more serious sorts of apologies, I have tried to, tried to explain, but what I think is really needed is the acknowledgement of how my mistake, misunderstanding, or outright wrong-doing has affected the one I've hurt, offended, disrespected, or whatever it is - I feel my apology is not worth much unless I also understand how I've harmed the other. & then, I can look to how to right the wrong, if possible.

I am old enough to understand that when my parents were raising us, their understanding was that children were supposed to think parents did no wrong, made no mistakes, & knew everything while the child knows nothing. So, they never apologised.

People who've done a lot of harm to me have never apologised - I think, because if they were to even mouth the words without the feeling, it would be some kind of admission of their guilt. Taking responsibility was never even on the radar.

I've taken too long to understand apologising in this way, myself. I took too long to realise the magnitude of some mistakes, & so I can only apologise to myself, for being the ignorant, - no wait on... how do I hold myself responsible for being young & immature? Is that my 'fault'?

Even so, while I hadn't intended harm, people were harmed, & they do deserve at least a sincere apology. If I could make anything better for them, the responsible thing to do is try. Of-course, if they reject that, then I must respect their feelings & come to terms with my own feelings, myself, or with the help of my psychiatrist - just don't make my feelings their responsibility. My apology to them is supposed to help them feel heard & understood. My apology is not for me.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[randomxx]

For myself over the yrs l've found some retrain in saying sorry the best way to go. l just found it amazing how saying sorry for something to the wrong person will go to their head and just come back and bite you down the track. Then you realize they just aren't the sort of person that actually even deserved an apology anyway or that you should ever humble yourself to in that way, some people will just take it as a point to them..

Another way l've also began being more careful about was with your partner.Bc an apology to me means that l have whatever it was under control,like it has to be backed up and carry true meaning. So l don't want to cheapen it by apologizing only to turn around later on sometime and make the same mistake again. So l hold off these days until l'm sure bc well, relationships can just be so very intertwined and cause and effect'ish .

rx

[white knight]

Understood RX

Plus for me if I give an apology that is seen by the receiver as futile or not respected or taken seriously, I tell myself "it's OK Tony, hold your head up high, regardless of lack of appreciation you at least did the right thing.

TonyWK