A Slow Decline

[Roughy]

I’m nervous even starting this, I’m not one that likes asking for help.

Im currently married, 4 kids, 3 dogs, large mortgage, shift worker, ex-fifo and largley a shell of how I remember my former self, before these and other challenges fell before me.

I know I have been unhappy for a long time. I’m 38 now, and I can remember sitting at work 12 years ago noting that my enjoyment of life had been on the slide. I think from around age 23 is when the decline probably started.

Back then I would have described myself as well known, socially active with a reasonable confidence level. I had plenty of friends but I’ve never had any really intermittently close friends or BFFs. I’d be invited to mates weddings but never be invited into the bridal party. I knew I had some quirks that held me back from ever going to that next level.

Since that age of 23, I’ve noted a decline. Firstly I moved interstate with a then, new GF. My sporting commitment fell away and my shift work life started. In a new city I realised how few friends I had and how I was struggling to making new friends was a challenge. I latched on to some previous acquaintances and basically used them for about 6 years. I started noticing in this period, that socially I was feeling awquard. A feeling that was on the outside of most things and I never really wanted around. I would need to invite myself to social engagements. I never settled in this new city and because of this I always wanted to return home.

Along the way I started working FIFO, I was/am very good at what I do, quickly climbing my way to a +300k job with ample time off. I made lots of new friends in this close knit environment, but the nomadic nature of the work meant friendships always had a time limit.

Eventually after 6 years of being away, marrying and after the arrival of our first baby girl. I convinced my now wife to return home. I continued flying for work for another 10 years.

On return, I naively thought I would be welcomed back into the old circles and that things would be as they were. But, the world hadn’t stopped for everyone else, and bar a group of 5, most people had moved on. I am never any good at staying in touch. Friends were having kids and life had slowed

FIFO wasn’t helping in this regard as most people assume you are away anyway.

Fast forward 10 years, we added another 2 girls and a boy. I finally made a decision to end FIFO because I was getting massively depressed by it. The work was ok but I knew socially it was killing me. I even gave up trying to make friends at work because I knew they would only be temporary anyway.
I got myself a secure job back home on shift work. It was a massive change of pace and seems to take up so much more of my free time. In the 2 years I’ve been there, I’ve made good relationships with people but this hasn’t translated to friends out of work. Of the few friends that did remain, I’ve managed to let these mostly slip by to the point that I’d go a month without receiving any social phone call or message from anyone.
The straw that finally made me write this, was seeing Facebook posts of my last remaining friends, at a planned family camping trip over a long weekend. 5-6 families, all with young kids, all my old mates. The following weekend, they are together again at a concert at a winery.
Its embarassing when it’s noted by your wife that you weren’t invited, she is shitty with them but I’m not angry with anyone but myself, I’ve let this all happen.

It it was then that I knew I’d hit the bottom, at least I hope it’s the bottom.
If it wasn’t for work colleagues I wouldn’t be social with anyone. I feel sorry for my wife most, she is entitled to a better life. I mostly do nothing with my spare time other than argue. We have barely had sex in 5 years and I’ve all but given up on the relationship. If she said she was leaving I wouldn’t be surprised or even put up a fight. I know she’d be happier at least.
Where to from here? I won’t go see a quack or shrink. I won’t talk to anyone about it so it’s not a brilliant outlook.

[white knight]

Hi Roughy, welcome

Same here sort of, joined the Air force and when I came back to Melbourne for good, all my friends had married and solidified their friendships to not include me. My life had been the Defense so why would they want to talk about that?

Then like you I entered shift work. They constantly said that they didn't know when I'd be asleep or at work so they gave up.

Now I'm 2 hours from Melbourne and they cant be bothered driving up here. Friendships over. I'm 63yo now and it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

I think your state of marriage has more to do with your problems than friends. If that was fixed you would enjoy life with your wife and her as a friend as well.

You've stated you wont see a psych, that's ok. What about a marriage counselor? I've been to several over the years and they do great work in making things more apparent like finding out your wife's inner thoughts.

On friendships sometimes it needs the glue in a friendship to work eg a car club needs a special car as the glue, model airplanes is the glue for some friendships. Attending the local footy match and getting involved can be the glue....just gotta offer to cook the snags sometimes and instantly you are popular.

I don't have any further advice. When a member here states they are not interested in seeking professional medical help, we are very limited as to what we can suggest.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Roughy~

You have given a pretty clear account of what you consider to be a social decline, a loss of freinds and social activity over time, and perhaps a strain in your marriage (though you do not come right out and say that).

The circumstances you went though are each in their own way a pretty big hassle.

Moving away leaves you and your family in a new environment without the familiarity of everything from the local garage to friendships. All is strange, new and solitary for all the family.

FIFO has its problems with transitory relationships, long absences and maybe half your life in strange and sterile accommodation. Thoughts revolve around work -there is little balance.

The moving on to shift work, which again is a distorted lifestyle being out of step many times with family, and maybe cumulative fatigue too.

All in all big strains, a solitary existence.

Plus of course financial commitments made when finances were easy.

While your post is mostly about friendships, and a feeling you are not giving your wife all she needs I'm wondering this:

What is the most important to you?

It's not a question that is always easy to answer, for some it is family, some the kids, some the partner, others the job or financial security. Others again social ease.

While I'm asking there is another question: what is important to your wife? Not what you assume, what she says?

Please come back and give your thoughts. When you have done that there is a goal to work towards. There may be impediments, finance is often one, but a goal can give hope

Croix