A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone and especially new posters or anyone reading the Beyond Blue Forums too!

This may seem unimportant to many but there is a reason for this thread. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I found this self esteem/confidence check invaluable when I was researching why I was so nervous and panicky....before I was diagnosed and during...

How do you respond to a compliment? If someone says well done! or good on you! Or compliments you for qualities you have....Do You...

1. Pass the compliment off and say....oh no...'I'm not really that good.. etc etc'
2. Ignore the compliment and struggle for words...
3. Reflect the compliment away and 'handball' a compliment back...
4. Or say 'thankyou'

A few years ago I had a really hard time with dealing with compliments. This thread is not a 'test' in anyway....It is just a 'self check' that may help some people find a little peace and self awareness where low self confidence/esteem/worth is an issue

The answer is number 4....What number would you have chosen? Your true/heartfelt thoughts on this would be a great help on how you respond to a compliment

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[blondguy]

Hi Star, thankyou for your reply and help on this thread 🙂 You have said what I was fumbling to say when I wrote this thread and I appreciate you for being spiritual enough to have read my mind on this, and if I can quote you..

"It's been a long road but I can now accept compliments, though some of
the things I receive praise for are of little importance to me,
sometimes irrelevant. But I acknowledge the kindness behind it."

Thanks Star x

[Just Sara]

Hi Tony, Lynda and Paul;

Thankyou all for your concerned responses. I appreciate the feedback and have given it some deep thought.

Feeling valuable and needing validation were indeed aspects of my situation, but I understand now it was also about not being in an environment that suited my abilities. I craved challenge and was given mundane; far beneath my pay-grade and skill-base. You were also correct re promotion; I was a threat to many.

I think it would benefit me to discuss this issue in depth, but probably on another thread; this is after all about confidence, self-esteem and compliments. Some professional input would be appreciated at some stage though.

Carol; I compliment strangers in the street or in shops regularly for their choice of perfume or the beautiful colours they wear for instance. Sometimes they say thankyou and start up a conversation, and sometimes they say thankyou and look a bit perplexed. But they always smile, or at least attempt to. (I think some older ladies might be a bit deaf)

I'm thinking the women on your web site might be young and from a generation very different to mine. Not saying all young people are like this, (your photo looks like you're a baby!) your wisdom and generosity of spirit is evident.

The good Samaritan stories above are glowing of inner beauty. There's still respect and charity abound thank goodness!

Dizzy x

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy, always great to have a reply from you 🙂

Dizzy said "I compliment strangers in the street or in shops regularly for their
choice of perfume or the beautiful colours they wear for instance.
Sometimes they say thankyou and start up a conversation, and sometimes
they say thankyou and look a bit perplexed" Nice1 Dizzy. Paulx

[pipsy]

Hi Carol. As I mentioned previously re: the woman who did not take the compliment graciously. There is obviously some underlying problems we don't know and possibly never will know. Perhaps she felt violated in some way. It's sad there are people who can't or won't accept compliments, but these people are perhaps extremely insecure, or just haven't ever been genuinely complimented. All we can hope for is, she realized later there was no harm intended. If I am abused or threatened in some way these days, I try to wish my aggressor a nice day anyway. People never expect you to say that, and there's not a lot you can say to that. Actually, when I say that, the person who has abused or threatened me usually just stares. They don't glare, they literally stare, open mouthed. It's rather amusing.

Lynda.

[Starwolf]

Paul, your thoughts always come across clearly, because they come from the heart. This creates a connection that by-passes words, makes them irrelevant.

Elizabeth,​ unfortunately, many people confuse knowledge with intelligence. Lots of knowledgeable people behave foolishly. Knowledge means little if applied unreasonably. But I agree, people are intimidated by it, mistakenly see it as a badge of superiority. To avoid this separation I choose not to mention academic "achievements". They're not what I wish to be known for. In my small community, I am regarded as someone like the Beatles "Fool on the Hill"...Formal education can be kept under wrap but differences in personality and character do come through. You're right, not being mainstream enough does create a gap. Sometimes, you just can't win... 😉

Lynda, that's the way to go...not responding in the expected manner​ does throw people out of whack. We can only hope it presents an alternative to aggression, though what people make of it is out of our hands.

[Just Sara]

Awe...thanks Paul for the acknowledgement.

Cheers...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

I often speak to moms out with their children. I love to see little ones playing and having a good time and I compliment the mom on how lovely their children are. What I have noticed is how mom looks at her child/ren afterwards. Her voice is softer and she wants to make some contact with the child, such as a hug. I had not thought of it until I read some of the posts here and I wonder if, when someone praises a child, the mom realises how special their child is.

Having given you a fifth category I decided to take my own advice and be pleased when I have done a good job. I am also learning to say thank you (4) instead of being embarrassed.

Great thread Paul and an amazing set of answers.

Mary

[elswyth]

Hi Paul,

I've managed to train myself to usually remember to say thankyou (without defaulting back to dismissing it), but it doesn't really mean anything if you don't believe the compliment.

[blondguy]

Mary, thankyou so much...your input is Gold x I used to be super embarrassed with compliments too. I hear you:-)

elswyth, Hello and Welcome too! Thankyou for your thoughts...Thats an interesting point you mentioned about 'believing the compliment' Do get many compliments you dont believe? Kind Thoughts, Paul:-)

[Starwolf]

I agree with Elswyth that sometimes saying "thank you" means little to us.

But it might mean something to the thanked person. Sometimes, not believing may be our own biased assessment. When seen from this perspective, our gratitude-although not entirely genuine- automatically acquires meaning. Where compliments are concerned, there's not much risk involved in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Unless of course we have good reason to trust our intuition.