A Place for Me to Be Exactly Who I Need to Be

[Rose_3]

Warm greetings!

First of all, I was in a very dark place and now I feel like I am standing in the sunshine again. But there is still a long way for me to go and so much more for me to do. For my recovery (and on going quality of life) I have been practising self-love, forgiveness and positivity. And it has helped me so much! I am discovering I have a lot of love in my heart but there are still a lot of dark clouds behind me.

So I will be posting whatever I feel is right for me. And I made a promise to myself to be honest, unashamed and kind (to myself and others).

My posts will vary and may sometimes seem strange. But our minds are so beautiful and complex and think in many forms and I intend to share all those forms with you. And I encourage others to share too. If you want to vent with me, vent with me. If you want to forgive with me, forgive with me. We can all learn from each other and the different ways we handle situations and think. And I offer unconditional support and love.

So I will begin with blessing this site with love.

• I bless the other users with love
• I bless my internet connection with love for allowing me to reach these amazing forums
• I bless my phone with love for being able to post here

And I bless mind with love for letting me feel and think and breathe in the first place.

All the best, Rose

(Now I am going to post this before I chicken out!)

[Rose_3]

Greetings all,

I have a habit of watching YouTube/TV and listening to music until I start to feel unwell whenever things in my life are going good. Recently I managed a full 30 day detox from it and afterwards it was almost gone. I thought I had released it, but that is not so! I am falling back into this habit. To let it go for good I need to get to the heart of it. I put it off again and again. But I love myself, so I am releasing this self-destructive habit so I can live a happy, healthy life!

So today I am going to start digging. Usually when I try this there are so many possibilities that I get overwhelmed and give in. This time I have something I have never had before; I have support. I do not feel like I am stumbling around blind all alone.

So lets begin…
Why do I do this, what does this cause in my life that I have learned to “need”?
The main effect this has in my life is to keep me from doing things. Either because I am letting the hours slip away while I am watching/listening or because it makes me feel ill.

So the reason within me for this habit is to stop me from “doing things”.

Why? (This is where I usually fall down the rabbit hole.)
It could be a number of reasons:

1. Believing I do not deserve to be happy
2. Believing I would be terrible at anything I try, so do not bother
3. To keep me safe from the pain, terror and humiliation I have felt in the past
4. To delay my good
5. Because I feel guilt

Whenever I come back to this issue these are the reasons that come forward. Maybe they are layered together.
I think it started with my core belief of “I am not as good as my brother.” Which corresponds with 1, 2 and 4. And this caused me to create an experience which caused so much pain in my life and is my biggest secret and shame. This caused 3. By not “doing things” it is keeping me safe. And that, and the fact that the habit is “my fault”, caused guilt and then punishment. Which just fuels the habit even more.

Wow! I have never seen that so clearly before! Normally it is so muddled I do not really work anything out, but that all just fell into place. Fantastic! So how to start tackling this… I will start at the surface with the guilt, then the experience. And then get to my brother…

I feel great now I have a plan of action!

And if anyone can see a reason or approach that I have not, feel free to let me know. A set of fresh eyes might pick up something that has never occurred to me!

All the best, Rose

[therising]

Hi Rose

Glad you are coming to find your truth through a set of welcomed revelations.

Personally, I like to see guilt as being a constructive thing. I believe it is our call to greater consciousness and is not meant to make us suffer. I often compare it to a signpost: It calls us to stop and choose between the path we've been on and a new path. Without the 'sign' of guilt, we could not consciously acknowledge choice.

I get what you mean by the 'safe' aspect of addiction. In sticking with what is safe, there is no hard work and self-doubt to face in relation to overcoming things. Believing our self capable of taking on the hard work required for change can be a challenge, especially when self-esteem is not high. Speaking of high, with certain addictions, they can definitely give us a number of highs. It is always tempting to stick with what satisfies us, what creates some kind of buzz for us in some way. In the process, we come to deny our self the chance to find healthier ways towards satisfaction as well as productivity. Must say, I'm a serious self-saboteur when it comes to eating. I experience the high/satisfaction (aka 'payoff'), then feel the guilt, promise not to do it again and then the cycle repeats. Have to seek out a new high which encourages motivation and change.

By the way, a great book when it comes to personal insight: 'The Six Pillars of Self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. Includes:

• The practice of living consciously
• The practice of self-acceptance
• The practice of self-responsibility
• The practice of self-assertiveness
• The practice of living purposefully
• The practice of personal integrity

As he mentions, all these aspects take practice in order to be fully achieved. He believes that healthy self esteem comes down to 2 things: Self-respect (feeling deserving) and self-efficacy (feeling capable in regard to coping with anything that comes our way in life). When opportunities are presented to us, we must believe in the fact that not only do we deserve these opportunities but we are also capable of handling them with confidence.

Take care of your self Rose as more becomes revealed to you throughout your journey of self-discovery

[Rose_3]

Greetings,

I have been having a bit of a bad day today. I am upset so this post might be a bit all over the place.

To start with, before my mental health issues came to a head I was studying at TAFE. But when my mental health deteriorated to the point where I could not go on anymore I pulled out of TAFE (which included the humiliation of letting my parents know how much of a mess I had become). And the main reason I could not go to TAFE anymore happened at work today. I have been working for two weeks now and it was all going so well. Except today things started to go wrong.

I cannot explain this properly without confessing what the problem is. It is a problem I have had for 6 to 7 years and I have never let anyone know what it is. I have kept it secret because I am ashamed of it. I think it is so stupid. It is such a stupid thing let ruin your life. It is funny, in a way, because if anyone else said they had this problem I would not think them stupid at all. But with myself I think I am just so annoyed that I have let this get so bad!

I really want this problem to get better so I am going to just take the plunge and confess!

I have a phobia of vomiting, especially if there are other people around.

There it is! My biggest failing! I have come so far in discovering who I am and learning to accept myself and the process of life, but that problem still remains!

And I am so... so ANGRY that I have let it take so much of my life. But confessing it is the first step to healing it and I am going to let it go for good! I am very determined to do this!

The problem at TAFE was that I was so scared I was going to throw up I would actually make myself nearly throw up and I would have to excuse myself from class and go home. I have been fine at work so far, I was handling everything so well. But today I was not feeling very well and I started to panic and that made me feel really ill. I managed to make it to the end of my shift but only just and I was terrified! Now I am worried about going in on Monday.

But I am going to try and stay positive and tell myself that I will be fine and I am always safe.

I trust the process of life to bring only good to me.

Now I am going to press post before I get too scared to!

All the best, Rose

PS: therising, I will definitely look up that book, it sounds very interesting.

[therising]

Hi Rose

I'm relieved for you that you have now shared your fear (emetophobia). This must be an incredibly stressful thing to live with. With thanks to you, your post has led me to receive some online education, as I had no knowledge of this particular phobia. My heart truly goes out to those (of course, your self included) whose lives are deeply impacted by this issue, in a number of seriously challenging ways.

A lot of the sites tend to suggest Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). Wondering if this is something you've ever looked into. With the mind/body/energy balance being so important in life, sometimes our thought networks need some tweaking in order to stop them impacting our body and energy. I'm sure you can relate to how your fear creates certain sensations and chemistry throughout your body (chest and stomach to name a couple of areas). And the change in energy a fear brings about...well...I'm sure you can relate to that too; when a fear seriously grounds us, we can lose a bit of that connection to the universe and our faith in it to see us through a challenge. By the way, some may say that fear/anxiety will impact certain chakra centres/energy centres such as 3rd eye, throat, heart and solar plexus. Maybe this could be another area to explore.

Rose, you are powerful in many ways, including the way you made it through to the end of your shift and the way you have confessed your fear. Continue seeking greater power over your mind (aka your brain at work) as you continue on your brave and enlightening journey of self-mastery and higher connection.

Take care and know that I will be sending positive vibes your way on Monday

[Rose_3]

Warm Greetings!

Thank you so much therising! I did not know that my phobia had an actual name and was a "real" (for lack of a better word) phobia. I did not realise that I was not the only one with this fear. Now, knowing its name, I have done some research which has given me a great deal of hope regarding my condition.

I am extremely proud to say that I found the courage to tell my parents about me phobia in a letter. I thought it would be difficult to write, and although I did get quite emotional whilst writing it, the right words just came easily. It is such a relief to not have to try and hide it from them anymore!

I managed another shift at work, which was so much easier after receiving some encouragement from my Mum, and I am going back to work tomorrow and Friday and I feel really good about it.

I thought I would add something positive into this post as my last few have been a bit "heavy".

10 Reasons to Laugh

1. Laughter is the best medicine!
2. There is always something funny everywhere you look!
3. Laughter is the most beautiful music!
4. Laughter is infectious!
5. You cannot be mad at yourself when you are laughing!
6. It is memories of smiling and laughing which keep you going through the tough days!
7. There is no such thing as too much laughing!
8. There is nothing like having someone to laugh with!
9. Giggling makes all your worries fade away for a moment!
10. No two laughs are the same! Everybody laughs differently and that is truly amazing!

I hope everyone has had a good day filled with laughter and enlightenment and times when they have recognised beauty they may have missed in the past.

Best wishes, Rose

[Rose_3]

Warm Greetings!

I have not posted in a while as I have had to rest my eyes from the screen. I get eye-strain/headaches very easily and I know they are a main trigger of mine. So I am doing what I can to get the most out of these forums whilst still looking after myself.

My week has been fairly good. I managed four shifts at work and they went reasonable well. Today I treated myself and went clothes shopping (in an op-shop so it all only came to $23 and I get to love and cherish something that would otherwise have been thrown away) and bought a number of truly beautiful dresses and skirts.

Self Challenge

I have a little challenge for myself and I know I will be far more inclined to achieve it if others know about it. So some background information; I own five lipsticks and I love them. They are beautiful and I look really amazing wearing them, however...
I know that Mum and Dad do not approve of/like make-up so I have never actually worn them. I put them on in the bathroom or in my bedroom and admire myself in the mirror and then clean them off thoroughly. Okay, that sounds pretty silly now I have actually read over it myself. I did not realise how foolish it really was until I wrote it down.

If I love myself, which I am pretty confident that I am actually starting to truly love myself, and if I love the way I look in lipstick, I can be completely free and unself-conscious wearing it then! Even in front of my parents!

So my challenge...
I challenge myself to wear lipstick in front of my parents at least once before next Friday!

I have already come so far with my self-confidence and with opening up to my parents about some of my problems and I am so proud of myself for that. It is time that I stop worrying about their approval and just love myself and everything I am and everything I do!

I wish to everyone the courage to do something you have always wanted to do. We are all amazing and unique and perfect!

All the best, Rose

[therising]

Hi Rose

You are inspiring, as usual. I wish you luck with your lipstick challenge. Whilst you're at it, perhaps you could give the mirror a kiss and then stand back whilst proclaiming 'That one's for you Rose. I love you!'

I was telling my son just the other day that by accepting a challenge we are accepting a commitment to getting rid of whatever conflict is going on in our head. When 2 or more thoughts are at war with each other, both peace and progress are found when we give our full commitment to one thought alone. The thought that must win out over all involves the one that relates to our positive evolution. I think we're pretty much designed that way (to naturally evolve without too much internal resistance or conflict).

By the way, I imagine your parents perhaps believe in natural beauty, without makeup. Of course, no harm is done when adding a splash of colour to what is already a masterpiece.

Looking forward to hearing how it all goes!

[Rose_3]

Greetings All!

Challenge Complete! Well... I do not know why I was so nervous about it or left it so long. Mum saw me with lipstick first and just said I looked very "sassy" (it was bright red). Dad saw me with lipstick this afternoon and he did not even make a comment. So, that went really well! I was worried I might get a lecture or a disapproving comment, but I forget I am not a child anymore. If I had done this three years ago I probably would have. Things have changed now. I am not a child anymore; Mum, Dad and I are all adults. It has taken me a while to really realise and accept that. The dynamic is no longer that I am a child and I need their permission. Now I have become and adult and I make the decisions in my life. The only person I need permission from is me! What a wonderful, wonderful thing!

So much has changed recently. I feel as if everything has changed! In a good way. It started with my "problems" coming to a head, then pulling out of TAFE and moving back in with my parents as a wreck, to put it honestly. Then there were the months of not knowing what I was doing, not wanting to do anything and regretting everything I had ever done. And there was the guilt and the shame. Then we moved to a rural property, which is really fantastic. Then I decided to change.

I realised I needed to change months (well, actually years) ago, but I truly decided to change just recently. I made September a full Negativity Detox with no pressures or obligations to do anything but focus on looking after myself. I changed my diet, started a regular diary, did yoga, set a fun activity for me to do everyday and a whole lot of other things too. And the impact on my life has been truly phenomenal! Afterwards I was brave enough (and more importantly felt ready) to face the world again and got a job. From there things have only gotten better and better! I finally found the courage to speak up about my problems. Hence the forums. I am also planning to see a GP.

Wow. Just wow.

When I first learnt about Louise Hay's concept that our thoughts create every experience in our lives, our health, everything. I did not believe it.

Now I do. I have seen it work for me. I have experienced it . And I love it!

I accept myself and I accept that my life is all good!

I apologise for "going on" a bit, I just really needed to send that "out there".

I wish to everyone a wonderful day tomorrow. May you smile and laugh and be the sunshine in your world!

Best Wishes, Rose

[Summer Rose]

Hi Rose

So heartwarming to read your above post. Thanks for making me smile 🙂

You are an unrepeatable miracle. Not my words, they belong to Diane Roger, but they are a perfect gift for you.

Kind thoughts always

[Rose_3]

Thank you so much Summer Rose.

What a lovely thing to say! I believe that we are all unrepeatable miracles, yourself included!

Wishing you the best, Rose