Withdrawal from world.

Moi · ‎21-03-2016

I transitioned from M to F across 2004–2007, in the job from which I’ve recently retired. Before 2004 i was married, with kids. That ended [not my choice] once my secret unexpectedly burst out. My birth family have stood by me.

My transition objective was to become simply one more anonymous woman in the crowd, blend in, raise no eyebrows, move amongst ordinary society as an unremarkable female. Attention-seeking was/is anathema to me. My carefully researched action plan was implemented over that 4-year span; in essence RLE, HRT, Electrology, Trach shave, speech pathology, FFS, Breast Augmentation & finally SRS. The logistics were complex, the cost [financial & emotional] huge, & the final outcome [vs my objective] was a failure. Yes I finally was free of that awful genitalia, & had its long-desired replacement. Though a source of comfort & satisfaction for me, the public can only see what’s not under my skirt or blouse when assessing my gender.

Despite all my careful research, selection of leading practitioners, & hard work, my hopes were dashed by the time i emerged out the other end of the tunnel. The Trach shave brought only minimal improvement to the ghastly bulge, & the extensive $$$ FFS produced a barely amended face that to this day i cannot look at in the mirror without a visceral reaction of loathing. I simply never see the woman who was needed.

From 2007 to 2009 i forced myself just to ignore my extreme negative self-assessment & also the stares, double-takes, smirks etc. Though many people were respectful, generous & kind, nothing conquered my dire view, nor the many visual cues of random strangers which proved over & over that my objective was unattained. By the end of 2009 i officially gave up, & withdrew from the world. With only rare exceptions i just do not leave my house. I have no social life at all, & little self-belief.

My clinical depression is severe, & a bad social phobia with it. My GP is aware of all this, & has tried to support me over the years since my transition began. I have tried various SSRIs, psychotherapy counselling, CBT, & various online courses. Clarity is important here -- my depression & social phobia are from the failure of my transition, NOT that i regret trying.

Though some weeks & months are better than others, in general i still cry a lot, day & night, including often waking up in tears. I have no vision of a good future, only more ongoing lonely torment. I have suicidal thoughts often. This is my “life”.

Moi · ‎23-03-2016

How to Fly - Part 1.

There's a section in Douglas Adams' wonderful “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy” about teaching yourself how to fly by throwing yourself at the ground & missing. The trick is to be utterly distracted by something, anything, unrelated to the impending ground impact just before said impact. Once one masters this knack, the impact never occurs, & flying ensues instead. Not only is it wonderfully hilarious in its own right [i'm a HHGTTG, Red Dwarf, Hyperspace, Monty Python, Whovian tragic], but i've always thought it's a good metaphor for the art of being comfortable in one's own skin, regardless of how others perceive & react to that skin. Prior to my self-imposed isolation, there were various times when, distracted by something else, i was able to just Be, to enjoy friends' company, to feel good, to smile, maybe even laugh. On those comparatively rare occasions, somehow i did not hit the ground, & i flew. They seem but distant memories now, but i'd be lying if i denied their occurrences.

Given i'm recently retired, completely self-isolated, & thus have time to burn, i've been able to indulge my whims [in lieu of An Actual Life] in lots of pleasure reading [i particularly love classic 17th-19th century continental & English lit, most especially involving strong female characters]; lots of mucking about with Linux since i was delighted to discover & migrate to it a few years ago from Windows [it's another nice metaphor; with this OS i can truly customise & tweak stuff so that it perfectly reflects my sensibilities & values]; lots of online political, social & environmental activism [there's sadly always enough ghastly eco-vandal homophobic transphobic pollies & acolytes against whom to rail]; & stream lots of Netflix. All of these, in their own ways, represent other “distractions” which, for many hours & sometimes even continuous days & nights, manage to prevent me hitting the ground. It's not much, but it's something.

Wrt NF, actually i can directly attribute my recent decision [highly unusual for me] to lift my head & break radio silence by posting here & in a couple of other places over the past few days. Does that sound pretty weird? Here's why. My latest NF crushes for the past couple of weeks have been "The L Word", & most recently “Sense8”.

Moi · ‎23-03-2016

How to Fly - Part 2.

TLW: this was a revelation to me, & i fell deeply in “love”, or at least completely entranced, by these strong women, fiercely loyal to each other [um, well, apart from all the sleeping around, ha], supporting & nurturing each other, rallying around, sharing laughs & tears, & not giving a flying fook about negative opinions of others. I admire them so much, & am so jealous... this eventually morphed into me sinking into an even deeper despond at the stark contrast with my “life”.

S8: Oh. My. Goodness. This Show!!!. I love it more than i can describe. It ticks all my boxes; SciFi, imagination & innovation, humour, drama, love, diversity, loyalty, steadfastness, resilience. It is stunning beyond words. For me though, the killer is the characterisation & actualisation of main protagonists Nomi & Amanita... OMZ. Such wondrous love [spiritual & physical] between fabulous post-op MTF incredible woman Nomi [Jamie Clayton] & her fiercesome fabulous lesbian lover & soulmate Amanita [Freema Agyeman]. I care deeply for all the characters, but this pair in particular moved me constantly to tears. Unfortunately similar to TLW, this also inevitably forced me to abruptly see the ground again & fall hard onto it; the utter stark contrasts to me have been nearly too much to bear. I reached out here, in the hope it might help me to bear up.

Jenny Boylan's “She's Not There” paints a chillingly parallel reality also for my “life”, well, at least the earlier parts. Like me she also grew up as a b** increasingly confused about what the hell was going on, what did it all mean, why did “h*” have these thoughts & feel this way? Naturally in those pre-Internet days, there were no ready answers. Just like me, so heartbreakingly like me, she eventually fell in love with a wonderful woman, & was convinced, utterly convinced, that whatever all that earlier confusing swirl of WTF was, now finally with the love of a good woman she would be “cured”, nee “saved”, & all would finally be well, all those strange ideas & feelings would vanish. Sigh. Never were there more wrong hopes.

Moi · ‎23-03-2016

How to Fly - Part 3.

Thereafter our parallels severely diverged. Whereas Jenny had the good fortune of a loving partner who elected to understand, stay, care, nurture & be nurtured, i ... didn't. When i had first fallen in love with Her, i felt emotionally a foot taller. She was my love, my lover, my soulmate, my friend & confidante... & my secret saviour. Once, all those years later, my secret [that i assumed would stay within me to my grave] astonishingly burst from my lips [none more surprised than me], the end came swift & bitterly. I lost far far more than that emotional foot; i was chopped in two. I have never had the maturity or emotional strength to recover from that, even all these years later, & despite the somewhat amazing twists & turns my life took since. That loss, coupled with kinda similar losses of three deep longterm friendships [for the same repudiation & rejection reasons] crippled me emotionally. I decided after all that horrible stuff, though now years ago, that i never ever wanted to feel such intense emotional pain & destruction again, so i would never place myself in a position of vulnerability by getting close to anyone, ever again. My subsequent rejection of myself, as outlined in my original posts, only made the imperative of self-imposed “hermititude” even more compelling. The best i find i can do, is to potter along, looking for each little opportunity to distract myself for temporary avoidance of the ground. Fly for brief periods of respite, & hope each next ground strike will be not too painful. <>

PS - I've now tried 3X to reply to you Flirtie, but they've all disappeared, despite some of my later posts already appearing. I'm confused -- sorry!

Gruffudd · ‎23-03-2016

I like that idea, how to fly. I am skilled in being easily distracted.

When I first became aware that my gender was different to other kids I remember becoming easily distracted all the time. I was 11 so the options were limited to deal with it or get away. As an adult I can't even manage to appear androgynous, my hair fell out and whilst it seems like vanity to some, looking more male is emotionally difficult. So I was thinking about what you said about 'passing', I think it has an effect, certainly on how people treat me but majorly on how I treat myself. Personally I still like what is on the inside.

Moi · ‎23-03-2016

Hi again Rob

Golly, tricky questions! Let's see.

“if everything was just fabulous in your life what would I notice about you and what would I notice about the world around you?” ... Me: You'd notice a nondescript unambiguous woman, with a ready smile, a wry sense of humour, liberally wielding irony, satire & metaphor, happy to help people [if wanted], & willing to take an emotional risk. World: Peace, harmony, equality, happiness, health, safety, food security, no global warming [coz we fully decarbonised & widely deployed renewable energy], polity that valued people & environment over corporate balance sheets. Yeah, i know...

“are there things that others like us can do and say that make your life better?” ... it's already happening, via the kind & generous responses here. Grateful moi.

PS - Now i'm really really confused. Not only have all 3 replies to Flirtie seemingly vanished into a wormhole, but now also "How to Fly - Part 2" has vanished, which means that Part 1 is not properly finished, & Part 3 is significantly decontextualised. Maybe tomorrow they'll appear?

Moi · ‎23-03-2016

"Personally I still like what is on the inside" ... well, i'd suggest that's a considerable asset to have on your side. I congratulate you for it, & wish you well.

Gruffudd · ‎23-03-2016

I think there have been some random things happening with posts lately and it is confusing. I know that the magic computer people behind the scenes will know what to do to fix it.

My immediate thought when I read your description of yourself is that it matches the Moi that I have been communicating with. I feel rather lucky there and guess that it is what comes across. So much of what I see when I look at someone is tied up in their personality and the what they look like is secondary for me.

Your world sounds sustainable in every way from gender to politics to pollution. It would be a great future.

sarah_beth · ‎21-05-2016

i have pondered going down the same path as you,i knew I was different at a very young age trapped in a male body tried hard to fit in with what was expected of me as a male.got married done the father thing still it wasn't my life it was what was expected of me.in my youth people like me were not to be seen or herd of,still to this day I live in hideing shunned by my family for be different.i have no help from my gp he is a bloky guy not one you would talk to.depressed as I get I battle on I live as a woman at home that's as good as it gets for me......sarah beth.

Gruffudd · ‎23-05-2016

Hello Sarah beth,

Welcome to the forums, and thankyou for sharing where you are at. It sounds rather isolating. I wonder if it is possible to make things better. Is it possible to find a different GP? What would it take for you to meet others in our community near you who have gone through similar things in life?

I am more then happy to hang out with you on these forums and talk and listen. I do like the name Sarah beth, what makes it a special name for you?

Rob.

Moi · ‎05-10-2022

Me, again [Part 1, care of post character limits]. Sorry for the bother.

I find it nearly impossible to grasp that ~6 years somehow have passed since I created this thread. How on earth did that happen? Can these posts' dates be true? Wasn't it only last month, or maybe the one before, when I wrote? Quite astounding.

Well, anyway, Time has changed, but nothing else has [in any good way], in my personal context. Exhibit A; a diary note I made to myself earlier today:

>Yet another fscked night of broken-sleep crying.

\

>One more of so soooooo many. Cried myself to sleep, multiple wake-ups crying, crying again at the final wake-up before the inevitable futility of dragging myself out of bed for another pointless day of being, fulsome with my repetitive useless hermititude.

\
>Also, one of the wake-ups with howling was caused by a tenaciously-persistent dream that's haunted me for yonks... I've never really understood it, but I presume it's some kind of subconscious metaphor for my existential angst. I never remember the preamble, but always remember the crux, which is... I am driving, approach a corner, begin steering into it, but then my arms inexplicably become as heavy as lead & I simply can't keep turning the wheel enough, so the car fails to take the bend & I crash catastrophically, prompting me to wake up screaming.

Otoh, my gallows-humour derives a tiny bit of ironic mirth from this recurrence, given I drove for four decades over hundreds of thousands of kilometres without any crashes, & a few years ago I chose to give up my licence & give my car away in preference to the agony of having to leave my house & Be Seen by people, for licence renewal, rego, & all associated car-owning rituals. I came to the view that for someone too afraid to leave her house, a car in the garage was a pointless expense, generating additional stress for no purpose. Yet, that dream cares not...