Withdrawal from world.

[Moi]

I transitioned from M to F across 2004–2007, in the job from which I’ve recently retired. Before 2004 i was married, with kids. That ended [not my choice] once my secret unexpectedly burst out. My birth family have stood by me.

My transition objective was to become simply one more anonymous woman in the crowd, blend in, raise no eyebrows, move amongst ordinary society as an unremarkable female. Attention-seeking was/is anathema to me. My carefully researched action plan was implemented over that 4-year span; in essence RLE, HRT, Electrology, Trach shave, speech pathology, FFS, Breast Augmentation & finally SRS. The logistics were complex, the cost [financial & emotional] huge, & the final outcome [vs my objective] was a failure. Yes I finally was free of that awful genitalia, & had its long-desired replacement. Though a source of comfort & satisfaction for me, the public can only see what’s not under my skirt or blouse when assessing my gender.

Despite all my careful research, selection of leading practitioners, & hard work, my hopes were dashed by the time i emerged out the other end of the tunnel. The Trach shave brought only minimal improvement to the ghastly bulge, & the extensive $$$ FFS produced a barely amended face that to this day i cannot look at in the mirror without a visceral reaction of loathing. I simply never see the woman who was needed.

From 2007 to 2009 i forced myself just to ignore my extreme negative self-assessment & also the stares, double-takes, smirks etc. Though many people were respectful, generous & kind, nothing conquered my dire view, nor the many visual cues of random strangers which proved over & over that my objective was unattained. By the end of 2009 i officially gave up, & withdrew from the world. With only rare exceptions i just do not leave my house. I have no social life at all, & little self-belief.

My clinical depression is severe, & a bad social phobia with it. My GP is aware of all this, & has tried to support me over the years since my transition began. I have tried various SSRIs, psychotherapy counselling, CBT, & various online courses. Clarity is important here -- my depression & social phobia are from the failure of my transition, NOT that i regret trying. 

Though some weeks & months are better than others, in general i still cry a lot, day & night, including often waking up in tears. I have no vision of a good future, only more ongoing lonely torment. I have suicidal thoughts often. This is my “life”.

[Moi]

PS - This other stuff had to be omitted from my initial post due to the 2500 char. limit:

Notice that my stated objectives made no mention of beauty or prettiness, & likewise no mention of attractiveness [aesthetic or sexual] to anyone. That was not a careless omission but was quite deliberate. At no point before during or after was my transition motivated by any sexual inclinations, but only by the imperative to resolve the awful gender dysphoria. Transition is a journey of gender identity not sexuality, though this is widely misunderstood by the Great Unwashed who typically conflate transsexuality with transvestism or cross-dressing. In the case of MTF transsexuals the ignorant assumption tends to be that the sufferers are simply gay blokes who want sex with men whilst dressed in frillies -- that is transvestism not transsexuality. Moreover, that misunderstanding is only further rendered naive when one considers the genital status once one is post-operative from SRS. To restate, transition is a journey to render one's body in-phase with one's gender identity... it has nothing to do with one's sexuality. Post-operative MTF women might be lesbian, straight, or asexual. I am attitudinally the former, but practically the latter. I am completely disinterested in blokes. 

I don't interact with neighbours, check mail or put out bins til dark, go out to shops etc, rarely see my remaining family, don't answer door knocks. My drivers licence recently expired, as i couldn't face venturing out for another pic of that tranny's face & throat. 

I have suicidal thoughts often, & have worked out exactly how i would do it. That i have not yet enacted my plan is due to a combination of (a) physical cowardice [lest i fail in the attempt & cause myself physical pain with possibly permanent injuries], & (b) a desire to spare my Dad, sisters & kids any grief & pain my demise might cause them. In honesty there's also a tiny but not zero third reason, (c), a naive deluded faint hope that against all odds one day i might wake up & just decide finally to be brave, to just ignore other's reactions, & do whatever i want. It is frequently however a daily process to re-run the calculus in order to weigh up the prevailing merits of Staying or Going.

IMO my scenario is complex because it crosses several boundaries, such that no coping method has worked. Measured against my particulars, all counselling & online courses i've hitherto tried, are woefully simplistic & superficial.

[Paul]

Hi Moi

Great big hug. Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Thanks for sharing your story with us, it sounds like it started with a lot of hope but currently has little hope and none of the desired outcome. This makes me sad and I'd like to help where I can. I understand that journey through transition is difficult enough and one that doesn't have the desired outcome can be very distressing and upsetting. I really get that.

Are you chatting with any other trans people regularly or are you in any social or support groups? If you like I can find some resources for you depending on the Australian state you live in. Other trans people may be able to provide a sense of community and safety for you regardless of how you feel about your journey - even though you might not have the energy to be social, even an online group like this and perhaps another could help.

Regarding depression, If you've read any other posts I've written I believe that treating depression requires multiple approaches. You mentioned your GP who has been wonderful - that's so awesome. Your biological family are supportive which is also wonderful. What sort of things to do you do to treat yourself? Despite feeling how you do about the way things turned out with your transition what can you do to celebrate that you are still an amazing person? Nice perfume? Some beautiful clothes? a lovely meal or even a nice long bath. Sometimes a walk as the sun comes up is a reminder that we are amazing people no matter what.

What are your thoughts Moi?

Paul x

[Flirtie]

Hello Moi

As a transgender woman I feel for you !

I  have discussed this very thing in an article i wrote  for Blaze  magazine. It is a strong desire for many to "pass" and it is questionable as to what that means . 

If you are personally uncomfortable with yourself it is very difficult to negotiate society because you feel in adequate.  You are not! The thing I know is that the idea of melting into the background is something that requires  self  belief not  a specific look.  Yes approach to presentation has an impact but if you are self loathing it will hinder  you.

Accidentally I worked out that self acceptance has more impact that how you look. We all know ourselves differently, we all generally criticise ourselves more harshly , but the worst thing we can do is to is to not accept ourselves. 

It is really  useful to seek out community for experiences with peers  will  give you support  it sounds like you need. There are many places online where you can conectwith  people who have personal experience  that can offer  support and crucially affermation that you sound so in need of. 

You are undoubtedly a beautiful person you just need to feel it. I understand your despair and if you would let me  I will  share the community I know with you. 

I'm  not sure if you use Facebook but it is one simple way to build conection and from it I have conection all across the country.  

[Flirtie]

I have only to agree with you Moi  the journey is about  being  who you are . The journey to align gender with the physical being has nothing to do with sexuality.  

Beauty is not something that is superficial looks but the comprehensive foundation of humanity.  Reality is that you are the person who has experienced your path,   you know  yourself and your journey  more intimately  than anyone else ever can,  you have a story to share and people who want to hear that story. 

You have people who care and people who you care about that is a beautiful thing . It is not a superficial  matter of appearance it is real humanity.  You and your journey are important  to share. We all have different experience in transition and everyone has a story to tell. 

I  find the deeper  I go to share  my experiences the better  I feel about them . As a person who has depression and gender dysphoria I know part of what you feel. What I feel  you are missing is community.

It makes life easier. 

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Moi,

It is sometimes big to speak up and say how it is for you. You have my admiration for that. Personally I like a woman who knows themselves, sounds like you do. I was listening to a podcast from welsh radio earlier tonight about trans teenagers negotiating all that medical stuff, family, friends... There is something beautiful in a person who has the honesty to say, "this is who I am on the inside." and to just try be that. I know I have tried, and my experience of being genderqueer has had its ups and downs, but I wouldn't and couldn't be anything else. 

So, things sound rather difficult at the moment. I agree with the others that it makes a difference to share the journey. You are worthwhile. I am glad you found beyond blue and would love to have so many conversations on here with you about so many things. 

Rob.

[Moi]

Hi Paul. Thank you so much for your kind words. 

“Are you chatting with any other trans people regularly or are you in any social or support groups?” ... no. i used to, quite a lot, 2004-2009, but thereafter giving up really did mean giving up. I just saw no point. For me i eventually found only distress not comfort in these social liaisons. When i mixed with women who Passed [sorry, i know that term & concept is offensive to many, but it meant everything to me, in my weakness] it just saddened me deeply for the contrast. When i mixed with women who didn't pass, & who worried about it like i did, our mutual negative vibes just ended in irrevocable downward spirals. When i mixed with women who didn't pass, & who didn't give a fig about it nor the reactions of vanillas around them, it brought me very down coz (a) there was even more glare of unwanted notice on me, & (b) i hated myself for not being strong enough like them. 

2003-2004 i was a Seahorse [< year]. This was scary, wonderful, fun, illuminating, & unexpectedly pivotal in my later self-discovery. I say this with no ill-will whatsoever, but i found the majority of members, nice as they were, to be “only” men in dresses. At that stage i still didn't know what i was, but that helped me to crystallise what i wasn't. 

2004-2006 i was regularly at TGC, & not only was able to finally discover actually who/what i was, but i also gained much new practical knowledge, & made some lovely friendships. As the years passed & different life chapters arose for all, inevitably we all fell away. The closest friendship sadly summarily ended, with her suicide. Vale Paige.

“What sort of things to do you do to treat yourself?” ... pls see a “freestanding” post i'll be adding here after i reply to each kind respondent.

“what can you do to celebrate that you are still an amazing person? Nice perfume? Some beautiful clothes? a lovely meal ... a walk” ... Well, i disagree with the question's premise; i don't feel amazing at all. As i feel so false, fake, failed, i stopped indulging in nice things like perfume & new clothes years ago, When all i see in the mirror is that accursed tranny [or worse], any fripperies simply increase my humiliation & despair. It's much safer just not to go there. As for meals [if you meant out] or walks, i did mean what i initially wrote → i do not leave my house [i don't even go into the backyard, lest i be seen].

Despite my negativity, i do thank you again Paul. Your kindness is a tonic.

[Moi]

Hi Flirtie, fellow traveller! Thanks for responding. 

“If you are personally uncomfortable with yourself it is very difficult to negotiate society because you feel inadequate” + “the idea of melting into the background is something that requires self belief ” + “if you are self loathing it will hinder you” ... you nailed it. Pls don't think this dismissive [coz i DO agree with you], but despite me being acutely aware of these tenets' veracity, & despite the few years of my earnestly striving to “fake it til you make it” & “hiding in plain sight”, i never mastered the former hence never achieved the latter. I stalled at the “fake” part.

“self acceptance has more impact than how you look. ... the worst thing we can do is to not accept ourselves” .. again i concur [to a point], but knowledge never translated to empowerment for me. Furthermore, whilst your words are noble, wrt the “how you look” part, pls remember my initial post's statement of objective. I HAD to pass... that was the raison d'etre. Failure to achieve that, is failure of everything - for me [not saying for anyone else, just me].  

Ta but i eschew Facebook on principle; i vehemently reject its “privacy is dead, your info is our data” ethos, & will never join it. I do use Diaspora, but it's not very nourishing. 

“What I feel  you are missing is community” [from your other post reply, & ta for the kind words] ... you are surely correct, but...

Best wishes to you.

[Moi]

Hi Gruffudd / Rob

Many thanks for your generous words. Yes i suspect that i do know myself quite well... trouble is, i have never worked out how to successfully use that hard-earned self-awareness for the better. Over the years i have had many stern & forlorn conversations if not arguments with myself [does that sound a little bit bonkers?], but the trouble is, i've always got a smartarse rebuttal counter-argument against anything even half-sensible i might say. Ha, what a strange beast am i ! 

Best wishes to you.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Moi,

I would admit to arguing with myself too. I think it sounds perfectly reasonable. 

I was wondering about your perfect world. You know the question, it goes like this: if everything was just fabulous in your life what would I notice about you and what would I notice about the world around you?

Usually when I as myself that there are some things I could go and change and some other things that are perhaps not going to happen. One more question though, are there things that others like us can do and say that make your life better? 

Rob.