What to do?

ArcadianMind · ‎05-04-2015

I came here in desperation as I have no idea what to do and have no one to talk to about all of this...

In brief I am a 25yo female 🙂

I've been more attracted to other girls for as long as I can remember... preteen I always admired the female characters while others girls pined over the males one. I adored the Charmed Ones and a huge Xena the Warrior princess fan 😉

I was already being abused and bullied for being "weird" without having them all know I fancied girls so I kept it a secret and tried to my best to ignore those feelings and faking it, lying to myself in the hope all those feelings would go away.

Anyway, now I am nearly 26yo I am struggling to keep my secret; I find myself attracted very strongly to a new friend I've made and I can hear that damn clock ticking. The new friend is no good for me (questionably straight with a boyfriend) but she has made me realize that I need to seriously consider how I want to live my life.

I feel I am comfortable in the prospect of having a girlfriend; I am lucky to have a very open and supportive family but it is the rest of the world that scares me. It's the idea of loosing friends and the trauma of my childhood scares me... it's like I don't want to give the world another reason to hate me.

But at the same time I don't think I could live any longer lying to myself... it's effecting my anxiety like something shocking and I know I need to do something. But I don't know what... where do I go from here, what do I do, what's the next step??

Please, any ideas or suggestions would be great. I'm so tired of feeling so alone.

Sincerely,

ArcadianMind.

BKYTH · ‎05-04-2015

Be yourself. It is not the friends that you lose that matters it is the ones you don't. The pain of living a lie is much greater than that inflicted by those who would judge others but wouldn't have the courage to examine themselves. Don't suffer for them they are not worthy of it. The world would ask of us to conform, but at what price? You already know what you need to do - Take that step and live. You are worthy of everything you would wish for yourself Be as brave as the world requires you to be and if you ever look back, do so, on that which matters and not on that which might have been. Live well. Philip.

ArcadianMind · ‎06-04-2015

Thank you for your lovely reply Philip 🙂

Yes... I want to be me, I don't want to suffer any more for the sake of the world.

Another one of my problems is I am greatly effected by what others think of me (regardless of whether I want to or not) and I have always been this way. I always want people to like me and I am hurt if they don't (as if something is wrong with me).

I believe it's greatly linked to my anxiety and I'm worried how I will cope if the world turns on me. I wont be able to handle people hating me or thinking less of me. So I guess I'm asking what are some steps I can take? Who can I go to for help.

I've looked online but most services are only offered to under 25s. I live in the country (a few hours from Melbourne) so there is next to nothing out here.

I really do hope I can be brave as you say one day.

geoff · ‎06-04-2015

dear ArcadianMind, welcome to the forum, and yes be yourself, because what people think or want you to be like will never work, because it may go against your grain and not be how you want to be.

You have a greater feeling for the female gender the same sex as yourself and that can never be forced out of you, and why should it be, you are fully entitled to fanitise, romance or date anybody, whether or not it's the same sex gender means nothing, it's what you are happy with, because if a friend pushed a male onto you it would not be a pleasant experience.

I do detest people who abuse a much younger person, but hopefully these days it maybe becoming a more recognisable taboo, but you still have to overcome your ordeal, so I feel for you.

We all go through life with secrets that we don't want others to find out, but with your sexuality it shouldn't be a secret, feel relaxed, people will take it which ever way they want, and they also do this with a hetersexual relationship, it always goes on, so feel at ease. L Geoff. x

BKYTH · ‎08-04-2015

If must be difficult for you living in a small town with its inbred small town mentality. You could try ringing 1800 652 010 which is the number for the Gay and Lesbian youth and family support service who would be able to give you a number more useful to your situation. You could see your GP and get a referral to see a Psychologist who could assist you in dealing with the issues you mentioned in your last post. Since you mentioned being seen as weird at school it may well be that your homosexuality (I hate the word lesbian) is already something some are aware of. I don't know if the possability of you moving to Melbourne is an option. There you would find many venues and services that would enable you to establish contact with those who would support you and offer you the possability of finding someone who would love and cherish you for being exactly who you are. Take courage. It takes courage to live. For myself, I have come to understand that there are opinions that matter and those that don't, and as such, have determined that I would much rather pay the price for authenticity than that which would be required to live a lie. Be the author of your life or else your history will be written by others. There is a saying "To thyself be true". You asked a question - "What to do?" and the only answer is "What you need to do". If you want popular approval then you will become a servant to its demands and is that approval worth the pretence that you struggle with to sustain?. I'm sorry it took a while to respond to your last post. I very much hope to hear more from you. Best wishes. Philip.

ArcadianMind · ‎10-04-2015

Thank you Geoff for your kind words.

You've pretty much just written out my hearts desire just there. My thing it I wouldn't label myself. In my eyes I just love... I love someone who is strong but kind, warm and who appreciates me and in that vision I don't see gender or race. Just a person and as long as that person loves me as much as I love them I don't see what gender or race has to do with it??

It just happens that the particular personality I am most attracted to is very feminine. Very rarely but at times I come across males who hold these qualities but as I said very rare.

Sadly, I have had "friends" try and "help" me by setting me up with guys. It is super awkward and made me feel even less "normal" as compared to them; like something was wrong with me.

I would love to just be me, loud and proud. I just need strategies to cope with the backlash. I'm nervous about going to the county GP/Psychologist for this reason... also I think my mum sees the local one too and I'm worried about my mum finding out before I am mentally ready to tell her.

ArcadianMind · ‎10-04-2015

Thank you again Philip 🙂

I am grounded here as I have horses that live at home. I still live with my parents so it also makes it a bit difficult to find "me" as if I change to drastically I am pulled up on it. As I said above I know they will be fine with it, there is a Cousin who just married her life-partner and they love the Cousin. They think think very highly of her and even enjoyed their same-sex marriage.

For me I just want it to be clear and to be certain in my head about who I am and what I want in life. I keep doubting myself which makes it hard to be sure.

Although to be able to come here and talk so freely has helped a lot as opposed to keeping it all bottled up. I had started to become frustrated and snappy with everyone and it was beginning to effect my everyday life but it seems to have eased that a little.

BKYTH · ‎11-04-2015

I find what you are saying confusing. Perhaps you may yourself. Confusion confronts me all the time. You said you "fancied girls". Further you mentioned "My secret" and "Lying to myself" and I wonder what the "Backlash" you mentioned in your post to geoff means. Furthermore you stated that "That gender or race has nothing to do with it" and mention qualities that all of us would wish in a partner. What is your "Secret"? What is your "Lie"? What "Backlash" requires strategies for you to deal with? If you seek clarity then ask that which you need to ask of yourself and confront what you find and ignore the "bargaining chip' of doubt. Bravery is not something I have. It is a choice I choose to make each and every day. It is not given to me as a consolation. I hope you make more posts and wish you well. Philip.