Pitfalls of Trauma and Poly Troubles, Day in the life of your not-so-average transman

[Soulless227]

Trigger Warning: R*pe, trauma, depression, abuse, struggles with food

Yo... so just having a very bad... year? Like good things have happened, I made it to my second year of uni, I became romantically involve with two more odd, quirky people on top of staying strong with my longest lasting relationship and I got a new hobby/hobbies. 

Problem is though, now that I feel safe the abuse I experienced as a child and separate cases of abuse right up until two years ago are now starting to surface in memories I had repressed with old feelings of self-hate and low self-worth as well as the new feeling of nausea every time my anxiety raises above "mildly stressed" so almost all the time. Sadly this nausea is compounding with my newfound image problems and making it hard for me to accept that eating is good and to do so when hungry.

On top of this, which I'm basically hiding from everyone and, unhelpfully, forgetting to tell my psychologist, my primary partner (the one I've been with longest) is having troubles with one of my other partners mainly due to discomfort on my primary partner's part and I can't help him. I kind of survive on helping friends get through things and my partner hasn't expressed a desire for me to do anything to help... Though he's talking to someone (my cousin who's in a similar-ish position) which is great... and would be fine if he didn't snap at me for the other partner coming around the house...

That's not massively a problem but it adds stress and tension on top of the flashbacks of trauma. I know how to deal with everything... I do... But I'm struggling with having time and effort to help myself and I'm finding it hard to let any of my partners know I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown... because they all have their problems...and I don't want to make it worse.

I don't know what I want from here... I just don't want to hold everything quietly to myself anymore 😕

[Neil_1]

Hi there Soulless

Firstly I’d like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and thank you for posting.

You know, it can be quite therapeutic to put things down in writing (or typing);  just to vent or offload and from what you’ve written, it sounds like this could also be the case for you.

I’m pleased that you’ve got a psychologist to go to and also congrats to you on making it to your 2nd year of Uni.

However, I’m quite confused about how you’re saying that you’ve got multiple partners – I was thinking for a while that they might have been business partners, but then you wrote something about becoming romantically involved with them, hence my confusion.

You know if you have someone that you feel a good repour with, they could just be the person that you may want to sit down and share some of your issues/thoughts with.  As I said above, it could be a case of having a bit of an unload or a letting out of issues – because bottling them up is not the best thing, as you’re probably aware.

I’ll send this off now, I do hope I’ve said something that has made sense for you and would be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[PurpleShade]

Hi Soulless,

It sounds like you have a few things to deal with, if you can break it down into priorities that can sometimes help.  When it comes to people you love, most people want to be with one person only and if they are struggling with sharing you, this is normal.  Bringing 2 people into a relationship is complicated and takes alot of work to maintain.  If your needing the space to deal with your past abuse, perhaps focusing on minimising the energy you give out to other lovers is more important.  Poly requires alot of love and it sounds like you need to focus inwards right now so you can heal.

If you can keep talking to your psychologist about how your feeling but also create the space you need to heal...healing requires a quieter space to do it in than it sounds like you've created for yourself.

Its ok to feel the effects of past trauma and normal to feel all that you are, you have some control over what's happening for you and that is the space to heal.

Keep talking and simplify life so you can move forward in your time.

[justinok]

Hey mate, big thumbs up to Purple Shade's advice above. For me, trying to cope with one person in a relationship is hard enough (which is why I've been single for a long time now), I'd definitely struggle with two and I haven't had half the struggles you have had.

Dealing with how your two partners get on with each other...for my two cents, you can't make that your problem. As long as you're honest with each of them about your own feelings (or even your own confusion about what you want) so they can each make an informed decision about where they fit in your life, and you in theirs.

I think it's important that you're as honest as you can be with your psych, there's no judgment there, and it's one place where you should feel safe enought o say absxolutely anything. 

[Soulless227]

Mm, so first things first, Neil1 by partners I'm talking about people I'm in a polyamorous relationship with. One of which I've been with for over a year and the other two I got together with within one week of each other.

 Anyway I spoke with my long term partner about the stresses I've been having (not technically voluntarily but it worked in keeping me from having another breakdown. 

Also, justinok my long term partner said the same thing. To understand his problems and everyone else's problems aren't mine.

^^' so yeah. I deal quite well with my problems but I guess I just deal too well with my problems and don't allow my feelings enough time to catch up.

[justinok]

Hey mate, how have you been travelling over the last week and a bit? Any updates?

[Soulless227]

I've been up and down. Mostly doing better as I'm starting to remember how relationships work and that there isn't any pressure for me to be a certain way. They like me for me.

 Also realised watching a happy anime helps bring my mood up so yay. Oh and set an appointment with my psychologist so things should be back to relatively stable soon.

 🙂 thank you for asking

[justinok]

Awesome stuff 🙂