Uncomfortable about ordinary things

[DrTom]

So I was just kissing my partner goodbye on the front porch when a tradie on the building side next door appeared from behind the fence. My partner was just heading home (we live in different houses) and my kids and I were just heading out on food for burgers at Northland. I found myself feeling slightly nervous about our safety going home and whether there could be a brick through the window. All was fine, but the doubt was there. This is what it is like in an environment when homophobia like that from Scott Morrison and Eric Abetz is tolerated.

Generally, I'm find holding the hand of my partner in public - most places, though not at Northland. I acknowledge that most [and and increasing number of] people are just fine with, or even encouraging of LGBTI people, and that the anxiety was perhaps not proportional to the real risk. But this was my home. If someone yells "faggots!" at my partner and I holding hands walking down the street, we can retreat to the safety of home. If a homophobe threatens me as I kiss my partner on my porch, I feel somehow that the safety of my home is compromised.

Have you felt this discomfort? How do you deal with it?

Tom.

[marcus_c]

I am really uncomfortable with PDA. The shame and secrecy around being gay was bred into me from a very young age, to the point where I don't even look at other men on the street because I'm paranoid they'll think I'm checking them out.

I've never had any terrible experiences out in the street, well not many. I've been called faggot a few times when I was younger, I don't think I was wearing anything particularly gay, but I was with another man on the street in the city in an area that's known to be gay I guess, so easy pickings.

My last boyfriend would try and hold hands with me in public. I reciprocated, but I felt on edge the whole time. I just couldn't relax and enjoy the gesture. In the end, it was easier for me to let go of his hand, because otherwise he'd be talking to me and I wouldn't be hearing a word he was saying, that's how highly anxious it made me feel.

I'd like to think I can be a bit braver with my next boyfriend.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Tom,

When I moved to Preston (I don't live there anymore) it was a real culture shock in a lot of ways from Camberwell. Apart from missing the trees, I noticed the way people reacted when I held hands with my boyfriend with name calling - yes I did make the mistake of doing that at Northland.

It is really unsettling when these things happen, people yelling out abuse. You are right, I think, to put it in proportion. I also feel like we should allow ourselves to feel unsettled and to work through that, it is much healthier then just trying to dismiss the emotions.

My only way to deal with it was to quite consciously not let it change my behaviour. I figure if I did, nothing would change and I would be the one suffering. Ultimately though, it is one of the reasons I left home, I needed out of that environment of Preston in the 1990's.

Rob.

[DrTom]

You're right. I've made a conscious decision to maintain my level of public affection to my partner. To do otherwise would be letting the homophobes win. And mentally asserting myself actually helps me feel less hesitant.

Tom.

[marcus_c]

I think too that, like anything, people will make a judgment based on how you look and what they think they can get away with. I am bigger than I was when I was in my 20s (not like I'm a bodybuilder or anything like that) and when I look back on pictures of myself from then, I still look like the little kid who got bullied at school. I don't think I look like that anymore, and I think that makes something of a difference.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm victim-blaming or anything, I'm not. I think maybe I need to challenge myself to be more confident and not look like I'm apologising for what I'm doing the next time I have a boyfriend and we hold hands in public.

[Gruffudd]

One more little thing... It helps me to remember that while I may be strong enough, look mainstream enough, have the resources to escape the area... others do not have that possibility. It is a comfort to be defiant in the face of it all. I have seen what violence happens to trans people and have been in the way of some myself. When you hold hands and withstand or challenge abuse you are slowly changing the world for those who can't yet get away with holding hands or even visiting somewhere like Northland safely. Don't go looking for trouble, just remember you become a hero to me on days like that one.

[bear_cub1]

I have this problem too. I'm not comfortable with pda just because of peoples reactions.I haven't had any thing overly bad happen but it's just the looks me and my bf get just going grocery shopping together or out to dinner. It's that disgusted look you get and the obvious convo the whole table is having about you that makes me feel like if we actually did hold hands or have a kiss that people would have a huge problem about it.

Yes some areas are better then others but I often see straight couples in a crowded shopping centre holding hands or kissing or just general couple things.I often wonder if me and my bf did that how different people would react. I'm getting to that point where im frustrated that i'm not excepted and I wana live a normal life and f the haters.

[DrTom]

It does suck. I tend to do the PDA in public (in most places) anyway. In the unlikely event it does get too uncomfortable or nasty you can always leave. And the more we are seen just being ourselves, the more it will become accepted. Once upon a time, publicly visible tatts were looked down on, as were unconventional hair styles (I remember how controversial punk hair styles were in the 1980s). However, I am hopeful that even those who "disagree with the lifestyle" (whatever that is supposed to mean) will become accustomed to seeing us. But the caveat certainly does apply: be thoughtful about when and where. It's one thing to make a statement; it's quite another to take silly risks.

T.