The Insecurities That Depression Feeds On

[ewart]

I have a diagnosis of Psychotic Depression which was a bit of a shock. I was a competent professional for many years but now a pathetic shell of a once proud person. I care full time for my elderly Mum (94) which gives me purpose and satisfaction although it is getting harder as her needs become greater, but I'll stick it to the end. I am a 60 year old gay male who left a very long term relationship a couple of years back. I live in a very small country town nowadays after many years in FNQ. I met someone here a couple of years ago and still see the person on a fairly regular basis. This person feeds my insecurity of me needing to be cared about. He is much younger than me and I have become emotionally attached to a pointless relationship albeit a wonderful person. I guess I have kept his interest by providing financial assistance of a substantial amount which I can't afford. Can't believe I have arrived at this point in my life. A raft of insecurities that torment me daily makes life challenging. Funnily enough, I dont need or seek pity, I have a supportive loving family who try hard but don't understand me and I don't expect them to. Once an energetic and outgoing man, now a social recluse. Mental health, so impotant, so misunderstood. Thanks for listening whoever you are. Do your best everyone.

[Clare1]

Hello ewart,

I hear your confusion and your frustration. I relate to your disappointment, I also was a competent professional person who spent many years trying to give helpful advice and strategies to my patients. And now I am an orderly in a hospital on lousy wages.

God bless you for your devotion to your mother. Not many people have that kind of courage and selflessness. 

Sometimes when I'm faced with what seems like an insurmountable problem, I try to think what advice I would give myself if I were to ask myself for help. What would you say to someone if they were in the exact same position as you are?

 I'm glad your family is so supportive, even though they don't quite get you. Hang in there, friend, you never know what's around the corner.

Clare

[ewart]

Thanks for your reply Clare. It's nice to to know that someone is listening even though I was just venting a little. This may sound weird but I seem to have made friends with my anxiety and depression as debilitating as it is. I figure that if its not going to go away then I better try harder to understand it and not treat it as my enemy as much as I would like to kill it. I cope on most days but that means keeping to myself mostly and on those days that I don't cope so well I simply acknowledge whats happening and keep on functioning. I have to, I have caring responsibilities. On the outside I am a balanced and together individual to my friends and family, but in my mind I am somewhat different as I'm sure you would understand. Please don't put yourself down in terms of being an Orderly. It is a very important role and you are a functioning member of society albeit with your personal mental struggles. Good luck Clare, take care and thanks.

[Paul]

Hi ewart,

Welcome!

You mentioned something that is very fundamental to staying resilient against depression and anxiety. "on those days that I don't cope so well I simply acknowledge whats happening and keep on functioning."

That's a really powerful thing and I admire you for having the tenacity to so that.

I've found the same thing with myself, if I come across a thought or feeling that jumps into my head either randomly or as a result of something happening, I try to catch it, give it a name then let it sit without judgement until it's ready to go into an imaginary pouch I have. (instead of going into my mind to be reacted upon)

So it's a slight extension of what you've discovered helps.

Hugs - take care

Paul

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi ewart,

I hear your despondency and it sounds like that you've got a lot going on.  I don't think that you're pathetic - it's a wonderful and nobel thing that you're caring for your mum. I don't know if I would have the capacity to do that.

I just want to echo Paul that you seem to have and attitude and some strategies that are helping your resilience and managing your mental state. We've all got our own way of dealing with it, some parts healthy, some parts sometimes not so much. I journal or meditate, if I remember to ...

Look after yourself when you can ... it's okay to put yourself first sometimes.

ET

[Gruffudd]

Hi ewart,

I hear you on the small town, I have lived in that world for years now. Mental health can mess with confidence, I see so much in your story to be proud of here and now. I wonder about the pro's and con's of your relationship, I found doing that a bit challenging and am better for the choice I made after. Sharing a small community, I decided to change the relationship, to move away from the pointless stuff, it was hard and still is, I feel better though. I hope things work out for you there.

Rob.