Why is 'comming out' so hard?

Matisse_ · ‎02-11-2015

So, I'm sure I'm bisexual and have been my whole life. I'm totally okay with liking both genders, gender doesn't matter to me. In fact I wouldn't mind calling myself a pansexual to be more precise! I'm usually an outgoing person and isn't usually nervous, except I've always been good at keeping secrets. I want my friends and family to know I'm bisexual but I have a feeling that it would be awkward with my family, though they would be totally accepting of it, I have a feeling it will start off rocky- with my friends too. And I don't want to be the talk of the town that I'm bi. I just want people to accept it and not bother over it but I'm, to be honest, a little scared. I don't want girls thinking that I will like them just because they are a girl and that touching me is gross or something. What's some advice to give me confidence, should I except something or nothing at all? Have you been in a similar situation because I really want to stop keeping this a secret, help.

geoff · ‎03-11-2015

dear Matisse, thanks for posting your comment and congratulate for doing so.

No I haven't been in a situation like you are in, as I'm straight and always have been, but would like to reply.

With telling your family you have to decide whether they have been accepting of any issues in the past, and if so then you should have no trouble telling them, but if they have been inflexible in their decisions then they may not accept what you want to tell them.

In regards to your friends, there maybe a chance that you could lose some of them, but is there a point why you need to tell them, and not keep it a secret, and if you do this, then you won't have to worry about any backlash, if that happens, even though you do say you don't want to keep it a secret.

You decision is a tough one, but personally I would keep it quite. Geoff.

Clare1 · ‎04-11-2015

Dear Matisse,

I admire you for asking the question about your sexuality, but I wonder why you feel the need to out yourself to your friends and family. If having them know is terribly important to you, then you might have to just tell them and weather the storm that will erupt.

But maybe you could think of it this way...you have a delicious secret, something that only a few selected people know. Those who share that secret will be the best and closest friends and favourite family members, those who will accept and rejoice in your special status as a bisexual person.

As for the rest of the people in your life, why would you share the precious part of you with those who won't understand or accept you. Just keep your magic secret to yourself, with a little smile on your face and a feeling that "I know something you don't know".

And acknowledge that you are blessed to be one of the special people who understand that we are a spectrum of sexual identities...just sayin'

Clare

LawrieM · ‎05-11-2015

Hi Matisse_

I know from whence you come, but not for the same reason. I am a straight male, albeit single. It is just that for more than 40 yrs I have had a secret that has only been knowingly disclosed to one Aussie male (and then his wife) and a female psychiatrist 10 years ago, so 3 people in Australia. Strangely, my mum discovered it and may have passed it on to dad, but nothing more was said about it.

But since you have come out and would like to more openly, well... here goes.

There is a restaurant in the Mid-west of the US where a group of 7 friends (2 straight females, 2 gay men and 3 straight men) entered together to have a meal. Six were wearing fur coats and one of the straight men was wearing a leather jacket.

I was not that man. Blue fox bomber jacket.

So a straight Aussie bloke has liked fur and wearing it for 40 plus years and now it is out there. Oh and not the flat ones, but the fluffy ones LOL. Talk about so non-pc. On an earlier trip to the US, I received compliments from young black Americans (male and female) when wearing the jacket. Well, was below 0 degrees C outside, and yet nearly had to take the jacket off inside cause I was on an emotional high.

For quite a while I thought I was gay (bisexuality wasn't 'known' at that time), because the only male I knew who wore fox furs was Liberace. My salvation was the web in 1994/5 and learning that I was not the only straight male who liked looking at and wearing furs.

"Talk of the town" makes this country boy think that is where you are and that I can well and truly appreciate since I was born and raised in the country, and I mean west of the Great Dividing Range. Couldn't even have a ciggie without it getting back to my parents.

The only reason I told my friend about it was that he came over after work to watch a post-95 FA Cup final. It was cold, he was cold, so I got the two furs out and we wore them whilst watching the final. That was the only way he found out. And yes, I was relieved that someone else knew.

I can't say how your friends and family will react. They may be like my mum and friend. All I can suggest is not making a big deal about it, and if there is someone with whom you are close in your two circles then share it with him/her first then work your way through the rest of your friends and family, but have the first person at your side.

And just in passing Matisse_, could not one or two of your friends or family already know?

ewart · ‎05-11-2015

Hello Matisse ... when I was much younger and coming to the realization that I was "different" and being engaged to be married at the time, I had a very personal choice to make. That was to accept that I was gay and for me, doing the right thing was to tell my family and friends and prepare myself for the fall out. It was important to me to be true to myself and to my loved ones. I did it and there was very little rejection. The people I called friends at the time are still my closest and dearest friends some 40 years on. Yes, there were a couple of casualties but that was expected and to this day, I am happy that I made that decision many years back. I'm not saying what I did is right for everyone, I'm just sharing my experience with you Matisse and I wish you all the best. The only person you have to please and reconcile your actions with is you.

Embracing_Tiger · ‎06-11-2015

Hi Matisse_,

Kudos to you for being self-aware of your identity! Not many people think outside the gender binary and I hope that more do so in time.

Coming out can be hard unfortunately, especially to family and friends. I think that it is different for every person, but my experience, and those around me, has shown that I became a lot happier in the long run. I totally understand when you said that you think that it would be awkward with your family or friends. When I was agonising over whether to come out or not, I was thinking about how my family and friends had this existing idea of who I was. By coming out, I thought that this would drastically change how they thought of me and interact with me. I worried that they might think that I had lied to them all this time, or, that they might feel scared to upset me if they said the wrong thing.

The reality was that I had catastrophied all these scenarios in my head. It wasn't as bad as I had thought, even though it was a tough time with my parents for a few months. If friends or family mistakenly said something upsetting (without malicious intent), I learnt to shrug it off and gently corrected them. And if they were trying to be nasty, I learnt who I wanted in my life. It sounds life you have some people that can support you - they can get you through the difficult parts.

Don't feel like you have to tell everyone at once. There's no right or wrong way to come out, just "your way". Do what's comfortable, and safe, for you. This is who you are, and that is nothing for them to be afraid of.

ET

Gruffudd · ‎06-11-2015

Hi Matisse_,

I reckon you are more then halfway there when you know yourself, so great to hear you are thinking BI or pansexual. I have found most people are surprisingly good with finding out about my sexuality and go on treating me just the same as before. Those that are uncomfortable are more often then not debt with by other friends, which I quite like because it feels rather special when your friends stick up for you and challenge each other.

The way I think about it is this: The most important person to love and accept you is you. When we are ourselves we are brilliant. If your friends can't accept you and love you for who you are, they are not really being a friend and it is OK to talk about it with them because they might just change.

You might feel a little invisible being Bi where some people think you gay or straight depending on who you are dating. Don't let that get you down though, there are plenty enough who get it and will see that and all the other great things that make you, you.

Rob.