Terrified of coming out

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi BB  Forumites,

I’ve reached a point in my life where I cannot deny my true self much longer. I’ve lived in complete denial for ages, which has fed my depression and self-loathing like a sheep to a starving lion. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my life has been one big falsehood. And it’s nearly destroyed me several times.

I now acknowledge my true inner self and accept that by living the life my friends and family expected, I have wasted much of my life living like I’m actually in someone else’s body, not my own. To have reached this point of acceptance in my mind before even seeing my shrink (first ‘date’ on the 29/8) is a big step in my process of ‘getting to know me’ and perhaps one day healing the deep, dark pain in my soul. I am no longer the person I was last month, last year, or the last decade. I am a lesbian. There, I said it – whew-  

Now how the hell do I ever muster up the courage to tell my partner? I am terrified of the hurt, shame, embarrassment. Will I be treated like a freak? Will my kids understand and still love me? Will I be able to face my workmates? This seems like such a selfish thing to do – ruin a family because I am no longer who I pretended to be. I long to be openly part of the LGBTI community, but inside I’m crawling with fear, guilt and shame for what it may do to my family! Guilt and shame are so powerful and they are the main reasons I’ve been in denial for so long. Guilt, shame and fear are the emotions that have caused me to self-destruct on so many occasions. I have a long history of self-sabotage and I lay the blame squarely at the feet of my guilt, shame and fear.

If I do nothing, and continue living with family for the sake of the kids, I’m very worried about my mental health, but at least the guilt and shame will take a back seat. If I do speak up and come out, I risk losing everything/ everyone I’ve loved. I don’t know what to do! I can’t sleep, I’m so stressed. I’m drinking too much and I’ve even thought of doubling my AD’s so that I’m a zombie and don’t have to think about it anymore.  

I throw myself on the mercy and guidance of the Forum…

Zoe x

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Steph,

Wow! I feel quite humbled that you’d go to the trouble of creating an account just to reply to my thread – thank you, thank you! 🙂

Your words are really hitting the mark with me, and I appreciate that. I completely get the whole ‘pushing down’ the feelings of being different. Somehow I suspect I’ve been doing that for ages and not even acknowledging it… No doubt that has caused a lot of my internal strife.

I’m glad to hear your brat-bro has accepted you. I’ve raised my son and daughter to be very inclusive (they both do dance training with some gay male teachers) so they’re quite okay with that side of things. I just hope they’re really okay with a parent coming out. That will rock their little worlds. My workplace has a few openly gay people, but it’s such a “boys-club” that any sign of queer-ness usually is a career-killer. Stoopid corporate environment!!  

Anyway, my therapy sesh is in less than two hours.. I’m shaking and jittery.. My first step into the unknown haha  

Zoe x

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi All,  

Well I’ve been to see my shrink and I have to say I was soo relieved she didn’t judge me, but has given me some words of encouragement and wisdom. I got along with her quite well and will be back to see her in a week or so once I’ve completed a little ‘research homework’ she set me. It’s early-days and I’m still so confused and worried with how I break the news to family/ friends/ partner etc. How on earth I’ll build up the courage I still don’t know yet. Hopefully my therapist can help me there.

I feel like a mouse staring at a piece of cheese… I want to rush out and do what will make me happy, but my fears keep dragging my body and mind back. My little mouse-legs won’t move a muscle. Slowly I can feel movement, but I’m one step forward, half a step back. It’s better than two steps back as I’d normally be. It’s progress, but that cheese is ages away I suspect. Little mouse steps!!

Now I just have to watch out for a nasty black cat.  

*Hugs* Zoe x

[justinok]

Hey Zoe, you've got the right idea! Just keep thinking about the next little step, and before you know it you'll be able to look back and be amazed at how far you've come. So glad you've got some good therapy support. Keen to know how you're going at each step of the way as well. 😉

[Zoe__lt_3]

Thanks Justin, You're right in saying that the journey will be amazing to look back on someday. Today has been a pretty good day compared to many, and I suspect it's because I'm slowly growing to accept what I am, and what I must do.

It's the 'doing' part that is stressing me out however. Courage has never been my strong point! But my therapist should have some tips to help me with that. I just have to be patient and give the process time.

[missmuppet]

Hugs Zoe