Strangled by the woman within

[Joe_Black1]

Hello Forum-World,

I’m in a real spot of bother. Not sure if I’m self-destructing or if I’m just lost on the path of “depression alley”. Had some really dark thoughts in the last 48hrs and I'm simply throwing it out here on BB to ‘vent’.   I’ve struggled with transgender thoughts since around age 6. School was a mess of confusion, hormones and fear. Enough said, most of you probably had the same or worse. I hated myself and every living thing. Literally despised myself the more I became ‘manly’. I attempted very harmful things along the way to escape. Back in the 70’s growing up in a small town, transgender wasn’t even a word. My thoughts and desires had no name, just pain.  

Adulthood began with what I do best: becoming, behaving as people expected of me mostly. I joined the Army just as all the males in my family did. I hated it and left. My loving father didn’t speak to me for several days after my return. I have felt that pang of shame and disappointment many times since. To regain my parents approval, I became a manager and worked for many years in jobs I mostly disliked, always fighting my inner demoness in private. I tried women’s’ clothes in private, but that made the feelings stronger and more painful.

Now in my 40’s and married with 2 great kids. I have it all.. good house, job, beautiful wife & kids - but inside my inner demoness is slowly choking me. They deserve better than this, better than me. My self-loathing & destructive ways are creeping back and my medication is losing. I drink too much and get very tired or angry. I am filled with fear & hatred. Fear for what I may do and hatred for there is no escape. I see stories of other trans women such as Andreja Prejic moving on with their lives, but I know that can’t happen for me. I made my bed and now I lie in it. I am a married family man and society has strong views on this. My stomach is hurting just thinking about it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.  

I’ve tried therapy. She was a lovely lady who did her best to try and understand my situation. However, I don’t feel like she really gets it. I feel more like I’m just educating her on the “trans condition” for her memoirs… any good therapist recommendations?  

I want to meet other transfolk to talk, learn & hopefully laugh. Laughing… I think I remember how that goes. Are there support groups for us? I’m afraid to go though: there are only two people who know my condition – my Doc & my Therapist (& you lovely BB peeps)  

JB

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

It is great to hear from you again! I am so very sorry that your road is so rocky at the moment.

I'm very comforted to read you have been in contact with Lifeline regarding how you are feeling right now. Keep that number and nay others you have around mental health handy.

Sorry to read you and your wife have been quite vocal towards each other. It happens though doesn't it at times when stuff builds up.

Late last year my husband and I were yelling at each other, which is something we haven't done for many years...not since the babies died and I was coping too well.

A bit like a volcano, things came to a head for us December last year and I ended up in hospital for three weeks due to a breakdown. It cleared the air!

I'm not sure what to suggest to you about relating how you feel with your wife. From what you wrote, it sounds like she suspects some of it anyway.

Could you organise a joint counselling session with this new lady you are going to see? I find it is so much easier to say something to my husband with a third party being present.

I know how very hard it can be to desire with all your heart that you were one thing or one person when you are something totally different.

It has taken me a couple of decades to let go of the fact that I will not be a mother of live children. It is something I have to live with. I will never have the experience of giving birth to a live child or being able to fee that child naturally and hold them close to my heart.

In a way I understand your pain and suffering.

I also understand thoughts of suicide and thinking that is the only solution. Please. Please. Please. Don't entertain those thoughts for long before you reach out for help and assistance.

I will just let you know now that I will be away for 3 or 4 days from Sunday. I certainly don't want you to reach out and find no one there and think that I don't care enough to answer you.

That isn't the case.

Thinking of you and hoping you find answers and solutions soon! Let me know how you are getting on.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Joe_Black1]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

Well I did it. I told my wife last night. I summoned up every inch of courage and told her. Somehow I'd pictured that this moment would at least make me feel proud that I had done this, that I had in some way "come out".  Instead, I feel so sick and overwhelmed by the thought that I've destroyed our relationship utterly. 

I know she will need time to digest all that I told her. I still love her, always have. I still want to be with her and care for her and be her carer in the future when she needs it. The kids won't be told until they're old enough to handle the news. This morning as I left for work, she was almost unresponsive to me. She sent me a text later about my tax return arriving- which should be good news, but her text was cold and emotionless (most unlike her).

I know I overthink things but I ca't help feeling like I've destroyed my relationship because of my need to tell her - somehow I thought it would make me feel better, but it's made my wife treat me like a leper and right now I wish i could take back those words and never tell her. 

I'm at work right now with piles of stuff to do and I can't concentrate on a damn thing. I'm seriously freaking out. 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Joe Black,

It does sound like your telling your wife what is going on with you has been a very bitter-sweet moment.

Your wife may need time to sort out how she feels about your revelation.

Did you tell her that you love her and care for her and want to be there for her? Have you told her that it is you who feels this way and that it has nothing to do with the way she makes you feel?

You must have  a hundred thoughts going around in your head! I do so hope you and your wife are able to talk about this.

Life can be so tough at times! Wishing you well over the next few days.

Thinking of you both, from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Joe Black,

Just wondering how you and your wife are getting on?

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools