Strangled by the woman within

[Joe_Black1]

Hello Forum-World,

I’m in a real spot of bother. Not sure if I’m self-destructing or if I’m just lost on the path of “depression alley”. Had some really dark thoughts in the last 48hrs and I'm simply throwing it out here on BB to ‘vent’.   I’ve struggled with transgender thoughts since around age 6. School was a mess of confusion, hormones and fear. Enough said, most of you probably had the same or worse. I hated myself and every living thing. Literally despised myself the more I became ‘manly’. I attempted very harmful things along the way to escape. Back in the 70’s growing up in a small town, transgender wasn’t even a word. My thoughts and desires had no name, just pain.  

Adulthood began with what I do best: becoming, behaving as people expected of me mostly. I joined the Army just as all the males in my family did. I hated it and left. My loving father didn’t speak to me for several days after my return. I have felt that pang of shame and disappointment many times since. To regain my parents approval, I became a manager and worked for many years in jobs I mostly disliked, always fighting my inner demoness in private. I tried women’s’ clothes in private, but that made the feelings stronger and more painful.

Now in my 40’s and married with 2 great kids. I have it all.. good house, job, beautiful wife & kids - but inside my inner demoness is slowly choking me. They deserve better than this, better than me. My self-loathing & destructive ways are creeping back and my medication is losing. I drink too much and get very tired or angry. I am filled with fear & hatred. Fear for what I may do and hatred for there is no escape. I see stories of other trans women such as Andreja Prejic moving on with their lives, but I know that can’t happen for me. I made my bed and now I lie in it. I am a married family man and society has strong views on this. My stomach is hurting just thinking about it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.  

I’ve tried therapy. She was a lovely lady who did her best to try and understand my situation. However, I don’t feel like she really gets it. I feel more like I’m just educating her on the “trans condition” for her memoirs… any good therapist recommendations?  

I want to meet other transfolk to talk, learn & hopefully laugh. Laughing… I think I remember how that goes. Are there support groups for us? I’m afraid to go though: there are only two people who know my condition – my Doc & my Therapist (& you lovely BB peeps)  

JB

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[Jazzie]

Hi,

As a parent of a FTM 13 year old child we are finding it hard to navigate let alone being an adult. I have found many fabulous on-line forums esp closed ones on FB that have opened my eyes to this and have received the most amazing support. Also, finding the right "specialist" is a tricky thing but keep looking because when you find the right assistance it widens so many things for you to explore. Good luck on your journey xx

[GothGirl79]

JB,

The military has been a quite interesting experience in terms of transition.
I was only the second person to publicly transition in the Air Force and I am also the only female in my career field so there were a number of factors at play.

To be honest - I have received overwhelming support from all levels.
There have certainly been incidents of harassment and I know of a number of things that have been said behind my back however these are very much the minority.
If anything I suffer more discrimination by simply being female in a Very male dominated work force.

(My apologies in the delay of my reply as well - work does get hectic *smile*)

Kindest wishes

[GothGirl79]

Mrs Dools,

I read you post regarding your relationship with a feeling of sadness.
I have a little knowledge having seen my parents' relationship exist in such a way for quite some time now. My mother in particular has found that be re-establishing her social connections she can find satisfaction and joy without relying on my father.

I do hope you find a way forward for your own needs most importantly. Walks are pretty good (my daughter loves exploring walking tracks with me) although right now here in Canberra it is already too cold!

Kindest wishes

[GothGirl79]

Hi Jazzie,

All I can say is well done - if you are here and actively finding support for your child you are very much doing exactly the right thing.

I hope that by your comment, you have found the right specialist for your child. Having gone through my own journey in three different states and also assisting other military members (which include a number of FtM members) in finding help, I know all too well how hard that can be here in Australia.

I wish you, your family, and especially your son the very best.

Kindest wishes

[Doolhof]

Hi GothGirl,

Thanks for your message. Sometimes I do dislike the way our relationship and marriage has ended up, but other times I am very thankful it is not a lot worse.

Having a Christian faith now, I don't believe that another divorce is the right thing to do.

I was married to a guy when I was quite young. These days he would probably be called a predator of young women! After we were married he turned rather brutal.

After a year of being his punching bag, I ran away. So this marriage is certainly a lot better than my first!

Yes, I do try to make the most of times with my friends and family. My husband and I also do have some lovely times together. So it isn't all bad.

I could sit around and be very depressed or I can try and make the most of what I do have!

Cheers to you, from Mrs. Dools

[Joe_Black1]

Wow everyone, I had no idea that my desperate online rage/ rant  would trigger so many amazing responses and sharing of stories. I am more than a little overwhelmed and humbled for the time and consideration you have shown me - and each other!

It has been a while since I started tis thread and very little has changed for me, other than a foreboding feeling that  "things will come to a head" someday... and possibly not in the way I'd like. I have begun to make enquiries at the Gender Centre in Moorabbin to learn more about my options and hopefully find a good counsellor who has a better understanding of this condition.

Gothgirl, I find your story remarkable in so far as my military experience was so unsupportive (apart from the subsidised alcohol and the mateship outside of formal support). The whole "Break you down to build you back up again" philosophy that was almost a mantra at Duntroon really didn't stack up - they broke us down readily but left it up to our mates around us to 'build back up'... and none of us had formal training in this kind of work! That said, I loved the military at times too, and really miss some of my old friends.

Mrs Dools, my heart goes out to you and your husband - I hope that there is still a spark left and maybe finding something you both can do together that you both always enjoyed in the past will help rekindle the flame.

Jazzie, thank you for your post and I hope that you and your family find the support you need too. I truly hope with more trans people such as Anreja Perjic and Laverne Cox, Gothgirl (and others) setting a real example of how trans-folk can be beneficial and integreate into society, the path for others in the future will become that little bit easier.

Will post again soon (I promise not to take so long next time...) take care..

JB 

[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

It is great to see you on the screen again. Yes, it is amazing how some posts generate so much attention, feeling, care and attention.

I hope you are doing okay and finding a few answers as you travel along this journey of life.

So have you decided to have a chat with your wife to let her know what is bothering you? I am wondering how much she is picking up from you, and what he thoughts are towards your depression and her not knowing why.

As for me and my husband. I have decided I will try harder to let go of the hurts of the past and just try to make the most of what we have together and what we could have if I am willing to make a greater effort. 

We had a lovely day driving to a town we had not been to before and explored the region. The weather was glorious so that helped and with all of that driving we had an opportunity to chat with each other.

We sorted out a few things so that was very beneficial. I also make plans by myself, like today I had lunch with a girl friend and we had a lovely time together.

I do hope that some time soon you will be able to have an open conversation with your wife. Without going back over everything previously written, have you tried some couples counselling?

Hope to hear more from you when you are ready to chat.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Joe_Black1]

Hi Mrs Dools,   I’m glad to hear things are on the right path with you and your husband. Exploring together can be such a simple, yet strong emotional experience, no matter where or how you do it.

I am getting slowly closer to the day when I confront my fears. I know I can’t and shouldn’t put it off forever, but the cost may be so high for my whole family. With her MS, the last thing I want to do is make her feel any more awful than she already does!! I’m putting out the feelers for a more suitable counsellor and I’ve decided to get fit again. Moping around all day in a depressed haze has been so toxic for me over the past few years. I’m sure I’ve been no fun to be around, so only I can change that.  

The past few days have been quite strange for me as I read more and more of Caitlyn Jenner’s transformation. While I have to overlook the fact she is a rich celebrity with wealth and means, her words really struck a chord with me. The things Bruce did and said are so similar to my own experience and I found that comforting. Plus, I’m 25 years younger than she is so that’s something positive for me to consider too. To hear positive transgender stories in the media is such a change from the stereotypical “Thai ladyboy” story on cable tv. I hope it continues!  

Good luck and take care J

[Doolhof]

Hi JoeB,

Been a while since I was connected with this post.

So have you managed to have a chat with your wife yet about how you are feeling? It might be very important to let your wife know that you have felt this way for ages and that it has nothing to do with her health condition.

It seems this is just the way you feel, so a sense of blame or guilt should not hang over anyone or diminish your wife's sense of who she is as a female.

One of my girlfriends was confronted by her husband who told he actually preferred boys and did not want to be with her any more. This of course devastated her because of the way he said it.

Maybe if he had explained it was about how he was feeling and not her fault things might have been different for them regarding their separation. Not saying that you will separate.

Some couples are able to renegotiate their existence. I am not sure if that is possible for you or not.

Hopefully you have found a more understanding and helpful counsellor.

Let me know how you are getting on if you feel like sharing.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Joe_Black1]

Hi Mrs Dools,

The past coiuple of weeks have been extremely tough. My mood has really wavered badly and my wife and I bicker over the smallest things. This is not normal, as typically I am a peacemaker and she is the fire-brand. Lately I've snapped back and the tension is horrible. I think she's suspecting more and more about my depression and condition and has made one or two uncomfortable remarks On a good note, I have found a psych who specialises in the trans field so I'm seeing her on Friday. I can't wait to finally speak to someone who deals with people like me daily!

The timing of my session is fantastic, because my deep seated self-loathing, anger and resentment of my situation is really making me feel worthless. My dark thoughts have become really bad. Don't worry BB, I have called Lifeline today and I'm still kicking. I do my best not to let anyone see my inner turmoil and I have a supportive boss (first time ever) who knows I'm struggling.

I am interested in the story of your friend and her husband. I sympathise and the idea of hurting my wife is a deal-breaker for me. Although we're arguing daily, I admire and respect her and she doesn't deserve to be let down like this. So ironic really, that I want to be a woman, yet I fear I don't "have the balls" to do it!!

I am fighting back though - I have started yoga and jogging to try and keep myself busy - I did read once that the best way to change your emotions is through motion. It works for a while at least anyway.

Take care,

JB