So what am i,,?

[G76]

Hi all.

Im a single 42yr male..always felt different never fit in,self harm and drug abuse have been the norm for me.I never could relate to females in the sexual sense but always found em to be good friends..i could never sleep with any till the age of 26 and that was purely cause the woman knew i was struggling..im an average looking fella i keep in shape am no brad pitt but not half bad..all my life both gay and straight men and women keep asking if im gay.why do they always ask me this do they see sumthn i dont..,?

I have found i find beutiful people attractive not necesarilly either..i do find men attractive but could neva find a way to be with a guy either.i would always find myself walking out of the room b4 any thing could happen btween either girl or guy.like i said i neva had sex till i was 26yrs.i have no kids nor friends as most have gone there own way but i have always been a shy person and awkward around people.but am pretty sure i have a gay preference,,so whats wrong with me,?? im fine physically but up stairs just blocks me from bing with any1..im a good person i think..so why am i so isolated,,?

[G76]

Yeah im nervous around peeps..the daily beatings realy had an impact obviously..being beatn to total submition for the middle third of my life everyday near killed me and the perp..feeling so different always ment i thought i deserved it.even after it stoped..so imagine how i felt bing attracted to guys as well..im so different then i must deserve it..oh he stole my life..im still not anygood it hurts..why am i so different..i just wana be normall for gods sake..screw this

[demonblaster]

Thankyou so much for the lovely things you say, when people say good things to us it does amazing things for self confidence, yes there's a minority that say good but not necessarily meaning it but thought today at least they're not hurting anyone. I figure it'd be for their insecurities in those situations but trust me I'm not one of them I say what I mean my first nursing job yrs ago before I trained as an EN (1 yr training then) majority girls and the b.ching as you can imagine & thought then nah, I'll say if I have to but people should hear the goods God I rabbit on lol. Was going to say & absolutely no probs if you don't want to one of my main threads personal one is "Surviving ...being in a better place" if you ever wanna go there and just chat cause I'm wasting a lot of your space here.

Common that good people are the ones that get very hurt.

I hate how you feel I want to help you & think you're in for the long haul btw if for any reason I'm not here I"lll beee baccck

Do you have depression, cause the beast"s a master at sabotaging our self worth.
Have you seen any counsellors they can help in many ways too

I'll tell you now, you're not a freak ok, so we've gotta work on you believing in yourself. You've got every reason to have issues, what a horrible beginning. I've learnt/learning a lot about depression & from here too, belief is mammoth, so your homework 🙂 is to work on believing you can become who you want to. Clearly you've got mental strength, you probs don't agree but I can see it. You do go out amongst people though it's so hard, you know you're a good bloke, you're open to wanting to change, had the guts to open up, held back for so long taking shit, you're prepared to think about going to a club, you keep fit, you haven't cocooned. Trust me this is all strength, there's more.

One way to build confidence hard as is push through what your mind says no I can't cause you can but reinforce until you believe I'm gunna make it. So next time you want Maccas don't focus on how you feel, work on distraction, look around at things,use the mask for now. The more we think how we feel pulls us down so the goal's to hear & let it flow through. Emotional control

So for now believe you can be & not allow how you feel about thoughts & just baby steps, occasionally eye contact and hi, that's all you need for now.

It is harder as we get older but strengths still there bud you/we/help get ya there. Goal
Do you sleep ok
bbl 🙂

[G76]

Nah im a terible sleeper.even though i lay down early.im often awake till 3-4am then up at 6 for work..alone .drawwwl..im sorry for getn cut up then..it just realy hurts knowing how much life was stolen wen all i wana do is be happy in luv and life..bing broken to the point of total break down everyday for so long realy made life hard..i was a kid crying in the corner hudled in a ball but that didnt help did it..how can people do that..then questioning ur sexual idenity on top but not understanding it untill 20 odd yrs later just put me so much in my shell i feel like a ghost most times ..now im 42 i cant just ignore this anymore..i need sum sort of outlet..at least i understand now and that is the best gift u ckulda given a person like me..im sory for puttn all my stupid drama on u..as i get the feeling u got stuff to work through as well..but u have made my life that much calmer internaly..can i help u,?..u have a question or problem a guy like me could help with,?, id like to help u if i could anyway,??

[demonblaster]

Ohhhh G so sorry it's so long I meant to get back yesterday, had read that mongrel beating, my god what hell you've been through that's friggen evil, so sorry God & look how lovely you are after everything you've been through. Making you one of my priorities here but know I'll as long as I'm able always get back so keep talking budz & ANYTIME seriously let it rip. Better out than in so at least here's some release I hope, been wondering if it's triggering talking about it
Saw it's a he the mongrel was there anyone in your life that was good. Mum? relatives friends at the time. God I hope so.

Would be wicked hard to trust people after all that but the best help you can get from psychs is by being honest someone said but I don't know for sure tho they were certain even if people are working they can still get a Mental health care plan MHCP via GP & have up to 10 visits a yr which I really think would benefit you matey. Don't get me wrong I'm here for you but you've got so much shit to deal & work through.

Probs repeating what I've learnt is believing we can make it's mammoth, fires up want. Do you feel you can get through this

Soz if you've answered ?'s I do listen & read back at times just the memory gets fuzzy during this
How do you go with people at work, are they the ones you go out with

Hell you need decent sleep budz these are two ph apps heard here they're very good & relaxing which could help sleep. Life's that much harder when we're sleep deprived. One of our biggest strengths is with enough
-Insight timer...guided meditation and relaxing music, free
-Smiling minds

Thinking about you on my walk today & being aware of looking at people & the Hi & smile but just thinking then it depends where you are cause people tend to say hi when they're walking for exercise but if you saw them somewhere else they may not but if you're up to it even if you only do it a couple of times every now & then to ease in to connecting with peeps how do you feel about that

Ahhh budz I'm gunna have to choof it's horrid hrs in the morning, only just had tea, forgot & someone else the honey I've gotta go and chat to before I crash, this has taken sooo long but I like pushing through not letting the beast win

Nigh night bud hope todays better for you 🙂



If you ever need to talk to someone bottom L) here's got talk email or chat online, mostly they're lovely people that do that work