Sexuality confusion (Lesbian/bi and aro-ace suspicions)

[Anonymous_28]

I'm struggling to identify my sexuality and feel unsure about it. I suspect I might be aromantic-asexual, lesbian, or bisexual.

 I'm a 14-year-old female living in Australia.

 I hadn't experienced any romantic or sexual attraction until recently, except for a minor crush on a girl in sixth grade, which I never though much of. I've always supported the LGBTQ+ community, but assumed I'd be straight. My family supports LGBTQ+, though some of them find it strange.

About 2-4 months ago, I developed feelings for a girl in many of my classes. Despite being introverted and socially anxious, I spoke with her, and we became loose friends. I idolized her; she's pretty, athletic, academically talented, intelligent, outgoing, and kind. She grew up in a loving environment and doesn't struggle with mental health issues.

I don't get along well with my parents. They aren't abusive but can be toxic, so I avoid speaking to them. I have poor mental health, self-diagnosed depression, and social anxiety. With my declining mental health, bad relationship with my parents, and social awkwardness, I felt inadequate next to this girl.

It was an obsessive crush. I stalked her socials, took every opportunity to hang out with her, and made a massive effort to be good enough for her.

I realized it was more than platonic when I found her shockingly beautiful and imagined intimate situations with her. I had no desire to kiss her or any sexual feelings, which might be due to my age, but I suspect I'm somewhat aro-ace. To me, having a crush means wanting to be somewhere between friends and lovers, like snuggling and having romantic moments without sexual aspects. I’m also uninterested in kissing as far as I’m aware.

I recently discovered the concept of a Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR), which fits what I'm feeling. I prefer telling people I want a QPR rather than saying I'm aro-ace, as I do crave some romantic interactions. I feel invalid, especially because I'm only 14. Maybe it’s just a phase, and it was just an obsessive platonic thing. It seems like most people are straight, and I can't even describe my sexuality in a word or phrase. I think I'm lesbian, but I might be bisexual or pansexual. I don't want sexual aspects in a relationship but want some romantic gestures.

I'm unsure whether to come out. I'm still figuring things out and worry people will hate me or think it's just a phase. I don't know if I should come out or casually mention it. Is coming out making it a big deal, and is casually mentioning it overconfident? Is it bad to keep it a secret from my friends, or should I wait until I feel ready?

I'm also unsure if I'm lesbian, bi, or pansexual. I've never had a crush on a guy in real life, but I've only had two crushes. If asked about a good-looking celebrity, I'd think of male celebrities rather than females. It's confusing, and I'm unsure. Any help and support would be much appreciated. Thanks so much x

[Croix]

Dear Anonymous_28~

Welcome here to the Forum, I"m glad you came as you are facing the same sort of doubts that many people have. The good thing is you do not have to make decisions or label yourself in any sort of hurry.

As you say yourself you uncertain " I suspect I might be aromantic-asexual, lesbian, or bisexual." So don't worry, finding out about yourself will come, it might not be as quick as you might like -it depends on what life gives you.

I'm not sure that having that crush on the girl is any indication of anything except you realy like and romanticize that person, seeing all the good in them, and maybe less of their faults (everyone has some)

The is nothing wrong with being with them , though I'd advise saying "I like being with you" rather than "I love you". It creates less pressure and less need for a strong reaction.

I'd also suggest that until you are more confident in yourself you don't come out, either by casual mention or straight statement. In many cases it does require support as not all people will react favorably - sadly there are many silly people in the world.

You can find more background information and chat at QLIFE which also includes specific resources for younger people such as qheadspace.

I'm sorry you do not get on well wiht your parents, would you like to explain more about what they do you find toxic?

I'd also suggest that if your school councilor seems a reasonable person you have a chat to them, having an ally in life can be a great help.

I hope we can talk some more

Croix

[Anonymous_28]

Hi Croix,

Thanks a lot, this has definitely cleared things up a bit.

I'm of course still unsure about my sexuality, and I'll persist with trying to figure things out, though there is no rush and I'll be waiting until things have cleared up a bit before worrying too much about coming out. Thanks for the advice.

As for the girl I've been obsessing over, I'm very much struggling to see her in a completely platonic way, as I now know that she is extremely heterosexual (although we are both still quite young, so things could change. though I'm going to shut down that thought because I need to realise she's not interested in me as anything other than a friend and that's how things are going to have to be). Either way, at least I won't have to worry about trying to explain what kind of relationship I'd want with her. 

My parents can be insensitive and I feel unable to speak to them. I often get blamed for things that arent my fault, or hear them making rude 'jokes' about me that hurt my self-esteem. My mum is less confrontational, but tends to highly overreact about small things and make it seem like everything is our fault just because of one minor mistake. Although she doesn't realise it, she often guilt-trips us aswell. When she is feeling stressed out or irritated, she storms around the house and makes it very clear, making her problem everyone's problem, which causes a very negative mood in the household. But when you ask her what's wrong, or if you can help, she just says no, and then later says that we 'never help'. My dad has a short temper and when he gets angry he can be really cruel. If I spoke to him about any issues I've been having, he'd mock me and tell me to grow up and stop being a 'selfish brat'. If he doesn't understand something, he gets really angry, and blames it on us. He seems to need to over-clarify himself in all argument situations, and then when I try to explain my point of view, I get shut down. If I mention my issues to ever of my parents, they suggest taking away my phone or laptop or pulling me out of extracurricular activities, which doesn't help at all. They seem to blame everything on me, even though I can't change how I feel all the time. If something is wrong, their first reaction is to take something away from me. They got angry and argued with me when I mentioned wanting to get psychiatric help for my sleeping problems and poor mental health, as they claimed that they didn't have the money and that I needed to help myself. They compared me to a '3 year old' and were rude to me because they thought it was stupid that I couldn't sleep (It's sleep procrastination, not insomnia). They don't understand that I find even the smallest tasks a difficult burden, and that I struggle with high anxiety levels in social situations, and that I can't bring myself to care enough about my declining grades and work ethic and my inability to feel anything other than flat anymore. It's all just 'your on your phone too much,' 'kids in this generation,' 'you need to go outside more,' etc. So I tend to keep to myself more at home, don't offer my thoughts or opinions much, and stay in my room. When arguments happen I just keep a straight face and agree with what my parents are saying, so I can be left in peace. I still get yelled at for my 'attitude' sometimes, and have to put up with it, but that's just how it will be until I'm old enough to move out.

My parents actually suggested seeing a school counsellor (I believe my parents have good intentions, they just don't know how to properly handle situations). They contacted my school but my head of year claimed she was unable to give my parents the school counsellor's phone number. They told me I could go to student services and ask about it myself, but I'm way too nervous and just kept putting it off. I'm also worried that the school counsellor might tell my parents some of the things that we discuss, which I definitely wouldn't want. The concept of speaking to someone I've never met about all my problems is also extremely anxiety inducing. Maybe I'll ask about it eventually, but for now I just keep persisting.

Thanks so much again for responding. After reading your reply, I feel a little less anxious about my sexuality and less pressured to 'come out' and know what my sexual orientation is.

[Croix]

Dear Anonymous_28~

I'm glad that you are not so much in a hurry to come out, and probably more importantly you are not in so much of a hurry to get to know all about the person you are. There is no rush, no pressure.

I'm afraid that your relationships with your parents is another matter. I quite believe you when you say their intentions are good even though they have faults that tend to stop you from having a close relationship with them and having their support to discuss things

They sound stressed, and may in fact be right that medical help might be a financial strain. I would think the fact they themselves suggested the school councilor shows they love and are concerned for you.

Now I can quite understand your reasoning about the councilor, some will in fact feel obliged to report to parents on everything, others will try to respect privacy - within  limits of course.

Even so if I placed myself in your position I think I'd find that knowledgeable secure assistance and advice on coping with your parents would make a difference, I'd not know how to handle htem myself or even how much was my doing - or understand their  problems..  I can recommend the Kid's Help Line, who you can phone or text, and who give you the chance to chat with others in the same position if you want.

One other thing form my own experience, one can go from regarding oneself as being not that interested with sex to the opposite, which have be a very powerful influence, especially if it is unexpected. Perhaps if you leave open the idea that you have hidden depths not discovered so far.

I hope we can talk again

Croix