Old, married but have lived a lifetime lie because I'm gay

[Rik1]

I read Steven's story (Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie) with fascination and through many tears because his story was so similar to mine. I'm in my mid-70s, and have known since my teens that I was gay, but tried initially to suppress it. I was raised a Catholic, even training for the priesthood. I was introduced to gay activity whilst in the seminary. I was betrayed through the confessional process and was told to leave. In my early 20s, I returned home and started my life over again, refusing to believe I was gay. I didn't know what it meant anyway.

Whilst at teacher training college, I joined others in typical social activity, including dating girls. I was never comfortable with this. I completed my training, began to teach and married another teacher, whom I genuinely loved. In the meantime, I had begun the secretive lifestyle of a furtive gay, including visiting saunas. Before we married, I told my fiance that I had these feelings, but she was dismissive saying she would be more upset if I fancied other women.

From then on, it was a double life. We had a sexual life up to a point, but it was never fully satisfying for me, and not for her either, but we lived with it. Meanwhile, I was regularly following a secret lifestyle of visiting clubs, saunas and even had the occasional relationship with men, all of it under the pressure of trying to keep this activity secret.

As I've grown old, and very conscious that I'm no longer attractive to other men, I've turned to the internet for sexual gratification, and have become obsessed from time to time with online contact with certain individuals. It has been a revelation to me how young guys today are so accepting of their sexuality, and I fantasize about being part of this.

My reason for explaining all this is that I am totally ashamed of my life, and have become so depressed about my current situation. Part of me feels why try to change things so late in my life, but I have become overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness. I often think of death, but I doubt if I would have the courage to end it all.

Coming out publicly or ending my marriage is not an option. I couldn't do this to my wife. I'm desperately unhappy and listless and often find myself crying for no obvious reason. I continue to cruise the internet for fantasies.

Can anyone advise how to find some peace? I live in Adelaide and would love someone to recommend a counselor. I can't relate to my GP.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rik1,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Being overwhelmed by a feeling of worthlessness, feeling listless and desperately unhappy must be very isolating for you. And managing alone as you have for so long has no doubt been very stressful.

The care and support of others around you is important for your wellbeing and recovery so we would definitely recommend reaching out to a health professional for further support. The professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service can help with support, information, and referrals in your area. You can chat to them anytime on 1300 22 4636.

[james1]

Hi Rik1,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post.

It's always so touching to hear someone's story who's similar to yours, and for me, touching to see how places like this can really connect people in that way.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been shut out by social expectations for so long. It sounds like you feel lonely in the crowd, and that can feel even worse sometimes. I don't really understand the full of it as I am a heterosexual male, but I'm also an outsider in terms of feeling culturally odd and neither fully understood in either my background or my Aussie home.

For me, what really helps is to find people who are in a similar situation. I understand it could be hard for you as you're relying on others to be open as well, but I've read and seen enough posts here to know that there are many like you and you're not alone, even if you do feel lonely. Like you said, Steven's story really struck a chord with you.

Sophie_M's made a wonderful suggestion about speaking to the BeyondBlue Support Service. I don't know any counsellors in Adelaide, but there is a website called MeetUp and they have many groups for people of various different sexual orientations and that'd be a way you could connect with locals so you can be open and honest with them, without needing to rely on fantasies. As usual with online places though, it's important to stay safe.

I just remembered that we also have a social space called "The Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - social space for LGBTI members" in our BB Social Zone. That might be a good place to check in as well if you feel comfortable.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I hope you can stay with us as you sound like you're really doing it tough on your own.

James

[Croix]

Dear Rik1~

I read your story and was sad, not because of anything you have done, far from it, but because of what has been done to you.

To enter a seminary indicates a young man with high ideals and faith in the church. To then be betrayed and find the organization you believed in was capable of discarding you so brutally must have been heartbreaking.

Society has most unjustly singled out your basic nature for discrimination and forced you into a secretive lifestyle and that has taken a very great toll on you. To have to keep secrets about yourself, feeling unacceptable, is a corrosion on the soul and I think it is a tribute to your resilience and strength to have still the unsullied kindness to consider the effects on your wife of public disclosure.

Anybody who is held in low esteem for long periods will inevitably react and I feel your current feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem are just that - an illness bought on by circumstances. I'm no doctor but can see strong echoes of your feelings in my self when I have suffered bouts of depression.

I know you do not feel comfortable with your existing doctor. Under the circumstances is it possible to seek out another? I would think being tested for depression would be a good first step.

Sophie_M has suggested support via our Help Line, and James has among other things suggested our LGBTI Cafe thread for light conversation. Both pretty good ideas.

I tend to think of talk on the internet as rather a trap, not being a full interaction, just a place where exaggeration and superficial relationships abound. I would prefer knowing people face to face, and as such would, in your situation, start to seek out those with whom you have things in common, not so much for fantasy as understanding company.

As an aside I'm not sure about attractiveness, looks are a start sometimes, but character, worth and humor count for more.

As no-one special, someone just a few years younger, I'd like you to know I see your current state a judgment on society, and that I suspect you need help with depression, something that happens to very many from all walks of life.

I hope you start to feel welcome here and want to talk more

Croix

[MsPurple]

HI Rik1 and welcome to the forums

Thank you for sharing your story. It really touched me as a bisexual woman. I really struggled with my sexuality too but I was 23 when I discussed it with my mental health nurse. He discussed it with me and helped me accept it. I discussed how I wish I was gay or straight, that like both was a struggle. I felt like I was always gonna live a lie because I just wanted to be straight but he said that for me to be happy I needed to accept my true self. I haven't told everyone my sexual orientation but I have been honest with myself, some close friends and my parents. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I know you are in a completely different boat and you want to be their for your wife (I know you maybe gay but you can still love a woman and want the best for them). I am not too sure if you should discuss it with your wife but I agree that maybe you should see a counsellor before discussing it with your wife.

The way I found my GP and counsellor was to look up local clinics. I then went on their websites. Most therapists and gp have a short bio written up about themselves and their interests. I found an excellent gp who said she had an interest in LGBT health. I really click with her. Maybe you could look for one that specialises in LGBT.

I think you should come join us in the Rainbow cafe on the forums. There are people of all ages who identify in all areas of the community. Just copy and paste the link below

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything/page/18#qnOeqnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

MP