My darling wife, I'm so very sorry

[Joe_Black1]

My darling wife,   I’m so sorry.  

I’m sorry for coming out to you and hurting you.

Very sorry the man you married is a transgender woman on the inside. So, so sorry you look at me like I’m a freak.

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to tell you years ago, before we had kids.   I apologise for ruining our marriage.

Even though I won’t go through transition, I’m sorry you can’t ever see me as the man you married again. I never really was that man you married –I’m sorry that you feel deceived.  

I wish I’d never been born. I’m so very sorry my problems became your problems.

There was anger in your voice last night when I came out with my shameful dark secret. I sorry I made you angry! I’m sorry you felt angry that I have depression, when you felt you had more right because of your horrible childhood. Getting awfully good at saying sorry.  

To our kids, I say a heartfelt sorry. What a shithouse father I turned out to be. And I’d make a shithouse mother too no doubt. Sorry ‘bout that. To you two amazing kids, I can’t tell you how sorry I am – you never had a choice in this. It kills me inside when I think of your reactions when you find out.  

I’m sorry I’m freaking out and making a scene. So sorry I’m half the man you thought I was – and now a freak of a woman who never really will be.   Coming out was supposed to be a good thing, So why do I feel devastated??? I’ve destroyed what I had, who I was, so I could feel a little bit brave? A little proud of myself at last?   Fat lot of good that was. What pride? That feeling lasted about 5 seconds.  

Wasn’t worth it.   I’m crying like a baby on my keyboard… Sorry to you too, boss.

[TheSteve]

Sorry about what you've had to deal with Joe. I think it took tremendous courage for you to put forth your story, your feelings, to us all. I'll never know how you feel first-hand, but I can sense the pain in your writing and I just want you to know that you have a place here to come and talk - about your family, about your kids, your wife, your feelings, yourself. 

Whatever you need, please talk it out.

All the best to you.

Steve

[Sophie_M]

Hi Joe, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings at what is a really difficult and challenging time.

Coming out to your family is a really hard step to take and no doubt quite a shock and unsettling for everyone. All of you will need time and support to work out a way of living and being together.

We can hear how incredibly sorry you are and having strong feelings of regret. We are concerned for your well-being when you say that you wish you had never been born. If you are having thoughts of suicide or harming yourself it is really important that you speak with a mental health professional about these thoughts. We would encourage you to call the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 224 636 and a counsellor here can give you some support and referrals and also connect you to more immediate supports if necessary.

You can also call Suicide Call Back Service  1300 659 467. Up to 6 telephone counselling sessions can be provided with the same counsellor for callers who are not linked in with current supports. If at any time you feel that you are going to take your life then this is an emergency and you need to call 000 or go to your nearest hospital.

Joe, if you are not already doing so we would strongly encourage you to seek professional support with a counsellor or psychologist. Your doctor can give you a referral to a psychologist which will allow you to claim the medicare rebate.

Here are some links to telephone and online supports you might find helpful:

Gender Centre
Gender Rights
Changeling Aspects
Qlife chat and calls from 1730 to 2230 daily

During this time it is important to remember to focus on the things that have helped you manage in the past. Try and look at the positives going on for you and what you feel would have to happen or change for you to feel better about things. It is really important to remember to look after yourself as well as focussing on your wellbeing by getting the right help and support.

Please keep checking in with us here as well, we are here to support you.

[geoff]

dear Joe, I had replied to you but I got 'system error', our dreaded friend, but I hope that you can keep in touch with us. Geoff.

[Paul]

Hey Joe,

It takes tremendous courage to emerge from what others thought was an ordinary life and for you to share your acceptance of who you are. You've described what seems like a shock to everyone and your loved ones having to come to terms with your problems becoming their problems. Now that those close to you know, it might be an ideal time to take it easy on yourself while everyone else digests. 

I don't know what it feels like to come out as a transgender woman, however I can imagine there are some similar feelings to coming out in general. I remember when I struggled with coming out to myself I was worried about the burden placed on others and why I didn't come out sooner. I just wasn't ready and needed to do the things that people just do until I was ready. I wonder if this is the same for you - it's difficult to describe the real you until you know who the real you is, until then you do what people do.

You mentioned you are proud of your kids, you've referred to your darling wife, I guess from this you were doing the things people do and have beautiful kids and enjoyed a beautiful marriage. Now it's just time because you're ready to understand, accept and share more about you and that's OK!

Keep holding on Joe, be really really kind to yourself and please share your thoughts and feelings with us if you feel comfortable.

Don't forget the resources available mentioned in posts above. So many people are there to help and understand.

Paul

[Clare1]

Dear Joe Black, you brave brave amazing person! If you could feel 1% of the pride I have for you, you would glow in the dark!

You knew very well what a massive disruption your coming out would cause, and you went ahead and did it! In my eyes that makes you a champion, a person of tremendous courage and self respect. I would like to shake your hand! Can you imagine the thousands and thousands of people who would give their left leg to do what you have done? But will never do it, never honour their real selves, because they don't have the guts?

 And yes, things will never be the same. Your family is now faced with a big choice. They may choose to accept you as your real self, or they may not. That part is not within your control. If the love is there and strong enough, they will gradually come to admire you for your courage and your honesty. I have trod the same path as you...I came out as a transwoman to my wife and seven young children, and it took them a few months to get used to the new me. They now know that I am more emotionally available, more patient, more loving and a far nicer person than I was before.

Love them, listen to them, be available to them, and tell them that you had no choice. You are becoming your real self, like a butterfly, and the person you are becoming will still be the Dad they love. And go slowly....

I advise you to join the transgender groups online, talk with others who have been through the pain and joy and confusion of the transition. You are not alone!