Not sure how to go from here. Please help

[AndrewE]

My name is Ben and I'm a 33 year old man and I'm gay.

That's the first time I've said that, not a single person has heard me say it, not my friends, not my family, and definitely not my heterosexual partner of 10 years. I am leading a double life and I can't do it any more, but I'm too scared to stop. 

I think I've known for a long time that I was gay, but I refused to accept it until recently. Even now, although I know rationally that it is not a choice, if I could choose my sexuality, I wouldn't choose gay. I feel constant guilt, every minute, that I am living a lie - but that lie remains unknown until I tell everyone. So I don't, because I'm worried I'll be judged for lying. I can hear the responses in my mind of people I know as they find out; shock, disbelief and then judgement. "Why didn't he say so earlier?" "What about his partner?" "Has he always been gay?" I don't even know the answers and I'm not strong enough to deal with knowing that my life is being discussed like this.

This constant inner argument is wearing me out. I am not sleeping. I wake up tired and I fall asleep on the bus on the way to work in the morning. The other day on the bus I saw a Dad with his young son and I started to cry because I don't think now that I'll ever have children and I got so overwhelmingly sad. I know this is not rational, I know there are numerous ways for gay men to be fathers, but right then, I couldn't stop crying. When I'm not sad, I am too tired to feel anything. Both my grandfathers died in quick succession around Christmas (while sad, this was not a shock. They were both quite elderly) and all I felt was numb.

I am drinking too much, I am eating badly, I have taken un-prescribed sleeping pills and sometimes I take codeine. These help me escape for a while, but I know it's dangerous and I know I shouldn't do it. But it gives me a break. 

I am so tired and I don't know how to proceed. I think if people peeled back the curtain and saw the real me they would be horrified, I've been lying for so long that some days I believe it. I need help to get to a clear path.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but saying all this is new for me. I was bought up in a house that didn't discuss feelings and thoughts and it's all coming out in a mess.

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[Jacko777]

Hi AndrewE,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Mate, congratulations for your brave post, I reckon just typing it out has helped you a little. Don't be sorry to us, you make perfect sense and you aint rambling.

How about we decide that you are now on a journey to work out how to proceed. You can take a breath and bask in a little satisfaction, you have got the ball rolling, well done mate. Next you could start looking at ways that you can have confidence and awareness of your self. Check the other posts in his forum heading, there are links to other sites as well. Many have walked this road before you and I bet they are waiting to help you. And if your anxiety gets too much you can ring the BB phone service any time for good support and advice.

I think you can find the strength to be a point of discussion, I think you have 100% belief that you are being true to your self then it won't bother you what people are saying. If you are being honestly true to your self then you would be less affected by what others think, you will know what is a reflection of them and what is the truth about you. I hope that people will be glad that you do what is right by you and not 'live a lie.'

There are definitely other ways you could 'take a break' from this. You could try meditation, breathing exercises, exercise, any positive thing to take your mind completely off this for a while each day. 

If you make some small steps each day you will get closer to some happiness at least and hopefully soon you will have a clear plan of how to proceed. Check out some other sites etc and see how others have handled this. Perhaps it could be a real good time to visit a counselor, to help build your plan that takes you and your loved ones into account. Others have done this, so can you. I do hope you keep us posted, talk any time.

Jack

[sooshi]

Hi AndrewE!

Congratulations on your bravery, it's fantastic that you have made the decision to seek assistance. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for and your post made perfect sense!

Firstly I want you to realise that it is not your fault that you are in this tricky situation, it is not easy for people to accept who they are and unfortunately society frequently comforts the idea of hiding. You have a right to be happy and your happiness is of utmost importance, so please never apologise for what you feel and who you are, no one feels or live what you do so only you are the expert of your own life.

I hope that you have taken the time to look through BB's other threads as I feel it may help you to see how many other people feel similar, and also how many people can make it through, just like you will.

As Jack suggested, I also think a professional counsellor/therapist would be a great idea as it will ease your mind to let go of some of your thoughts and frustrations. Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out, I hope you get something out of doing so.

S

[Paul]

Hey Ben (AndrewE)

Please allow me to also welcome you and add to what has already been said that what you have done is really brave. It's a great big step towards many smaller ones that make up the journey.

 Something that jumps out at me about what you have said about being judged for lying to others. Is it really a lie if you didn't completely understand what was happening or you weren't ready to accept or acknowledge what was going on? After all, there's quite a bit of pressure put on us to follow a hetrosexual lifestyle on auto pilot!

You've taken amazingly courageous steps to come out to yourself and also to us and wow, time to take a breath as Jack said. Be kind to yourself we're so glad you've reached out so we can help.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Ben,

It takes a lot of courage to say some things out loud, thank you for that. I find it takes a bit of rambling for things to make any sense when I am working something out for myself. Don't be afraid to ask questions or to take the time you need. Glad you're here.

Rob.