Married but feeling like a fraud....

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thanks for reading.. I'm feeling really alone and confused and just thought this would be a safe space to air some thoughts.

I've been married for 10 years... we have 3 beautiful children together. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and have been in crisis this year but feel I'm recovering from the worst of it 

I'm here though because I feel like a fraud. I was in a relationship with a woman from roughly age 15 -20 on and off. I loved her...she was my soul mate. I had strong feelings for other girls from the time I was about 12... but never told anyone. I have a trauma history and wonder whether that has had an impact on my sexuality. I find intimacy with my husband extremely difficult... but can't find a way of saying it's because I'm not typically attracted to men .. it would break his heart.. and I can't do that.

I got married for the wrong reasons... to be "normal" ... to fulfil my dreams of being a parent and to escape my awful home life. I feel awful thinking about how much my husband loves me and how little he knows about all. We have tried relationship therapy after we lost our daughter a few years back... and have tried again recently.... but I can't be totally honest with them.

The whole SSM debate has been really hard for me... feeling like I'm living a lie... feeling really envious of people who have come out and are living their lives to potential. It's such a different and more safe climate now than it was 20 years ago. My husband and his family are all very conservative and would have all voted no... no one knows I voted yes.

I'm not going to leave my husband. I said my vows and I meant them. I just need to find a way to live with myself knowing I can never really be free to be who I am.

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Oh sez... Thank you so much for sharing your story. Some of it really sounds so similar to my own.. the abuse ... the relentlessness of it all. It's amazing to read of your road to recovery and what a safe and productive place this has been for you. I don't know you I know.. but it makes me feel proud of you ❤

Birdy your post made me smile... and thank you for the reminder of being real... I liked being able to imagine you sitting there replying. And yes... I suppose I am out to you guys... 😀

It feels a bit liberating in a way... like I'd like to be able to tell other people...to see their reaction and not have to hide it. But.. I can't 😔 .. because I'm married and it would hurt too many people.

Anyway.... at least I have this space where I can be real without hurting anyone. I'm really thankful for it.

Thank you ❤💜💙💚💛

[Just Sara]

Oh bluebell! What a lovely and encouraging response..

It oozes joy and acceptance which makes me really happy for you. Yes, here's a place just for you; no kids, hubby, family of any kind to pretend with.

I'm sorry my story resonates with you as I'd never want anyone to go thru my life. Knowing this I'm not surprised you're experiencing MH issues at all. Don't forget this thread of yours can be a space to out those trauma's. It's therapeutic, I and many others can attest to this.

But please, no pressure. Whatever you're comfortable with is fine by me. Just know there are people who now know something about you that's precious and are willing to accept you without judgement. In fact I celebrate your truth. 🙂

As well as me there's birdy who's shown her compassion and faith in you. How wonderful to have such support in your life at this time eh? Suck it up Princess! Ha! lol

I'd like to invite you to the Rainbow Café for a laugh, chat or coffee and sticky bun; your sexuality isn't a big deal there except to applaud your courage and let you be yourself. It's pinned to the Social Zone section where our LGBTI community gather sometimes to catch up. It's been quiet of late with Chrissy and all, but don't hesitate to visit as I or Ms Purple will eventually find you there ok.

I have family visiting from the coast today, so I'm busy getting the house in order. Blah! Have a great day and catch up soon...please.

Take care my sweet;

Sez (Shout out to Birdy!)

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you.... I love being able to pop back in here and see your messages.

How long do you have family staying for? It's such a busy time of year Hey?!

My world is changing so much next year...im just trying to pace myself in this season before it all gets too crazy. Going back to work after about 18 months maternity leave... kids changing schools...baby starting daycare. Makes me want to hyperventilate just thinking about it. I had really hoped to be further along on my road to recovery than i am. It's like 2 steps forward 100 back.

I have therapy later today.. I disclosed some abuse last week that I've never shared before... not with hubby... not with the therapist I had for 5 years before. So... very anxious about today and having to talk about it. I couldn't really even say the words last week... I just sat there while she guessed.. and nodded. Felt a bit pathetic. I didn't cry.. nothing. It was just surreal. I've been kinda numb since.

I wish I could at least cry.. or feel angry.. or something. This numbness is awful...and extends to other aspects of my life where I really need to feel...like with my kids.

Sorry... just needed a space to air my anxiety for the day...

Thank you....

Hope all's well with you both ❤

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Post-psych appointment and feeling very heavy hearted.

Today was the first time I've talked about my childhood sexual abuse. I disclosed last week... and the therapist took me through talking about it and the thoughts and feelings around it today. It feels so fresh again.. and raw and painful. Psych was good..and patient and understanding. I felt like she said all the right things to make it easier on me... and to help me try and understand that telling is ultimately for the best.

But now it's a whole week before I see her again.. and I feel lost. No one in my real world knows. I've eluded to it before to a couple of friends..but im a fairly private person. Not even my husband knows.. and I don't think I have it in me to ever tell him.

Sorry... I have No one else to talk to 😔

[Birdy77]

Don't apologise bluebell,

You have us to talk to. You're safe here. This is why we are here, together, talking and listenibg about stuff we don't want to or can't share with people face to face.

Sorry you're hurting 😔

It will feel like a long time between now and next session, but maybe if you felt like it you could jot feelings/thoughts down to take next week.

Or talk about them here.

You are safe and not judged here bluebell.

Hugs 🌻🌻🌻 birdy

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thanks Birdy...

Today has been really hard on the back of yesterday.... like I'm walking around in some kind of stupor. Everything looks and feels wrong... I feel dirty and disgusting- like a million showers couldn't wash the shame away. It's horrible 😔

[Just Sara]

Hey sweet Bluebell and shout-out to Birdy;

I know it's hard; therapy drags it all up again and feelings not expressed 'then' will need to be set free. With your psych's help it'll be easier, so dig deep for your courage lovely. I'm here barracking for you on the sidelines ok.

You also have us; your cheer squad and supporters. Anything you're concerned about or don't understand can surely be discussed here. I have loads of compassion and encouragement to share in abundance. 🙂

It might be interesting for you to know your body also holds memories and can sometimes express hurt before your mind catches on. It's sort of like our bodies start crying before we do consciously. This is scary in the beginning, but if you use it to identify when you're ready to release some of your pain, it can help to ease the fear.

I had a major anxiety attack once and didn't know why. I sat quietly going thru the days events and remembered I'd had a man with dirty boots in my home doing work earlier in the day. I really wanted to tell him to take them off before walking thru my house, but was too scared to by myself.

When I intellectually understood my body's reaction, the anxiety left nearly immediately. So you see, it's learning to 'know yourself' as well as deal with the past. I was afraid to stand up for myself alone with a man. Totally understandable considering my past, then forgave 'me' for being human. Kind and gentle she blows...

I suppose it's easy for me to say now that I've gone thru the worst of it; I haven't forgotten but the pain's gone. I know where you are on your journey and it's bloody difficult while it's happening. I'm glad you have Birdy and I to fall on for back-up and hugs.

You really have to afford yourself kindness, gentleness and patience because you deserve it just like I and others do. Promise me you'll be strong and kind ok?

I came to have a look around the threads at 4am; it's nearly 5am and I should be in bed. I may not be able to get back on for a while as life's busy, so thought I better drop you a few lines before I head off. You're my only post for the day..

Kind and gentle...

Hugs...Sez xo