LONELINESS

[Grazee]

My story really starts in the 1950's when, as a teenager, I realized I was gay. Of course the term gay wasn't used then; homosexuals were demeaned with such adjectives as 'poofter', 'queer' or 'faggot'.

For some reason, my parents were strongly homophobic so any discussion of my situation was out of the question. It was a bitter time to be gay; to the police we were criminals, to the church we were both evil and sinners, and to the general population we were collectively despised. In fact being gay was tantamount to a death wish; gay bashing was universally encouraged.

Whether to be cured or to hide, I decided to get married; I had three kids. I managed to suppress my urges for some time but eventually the pressures grew too great and I had a complete breakdown. I tried to punch a hole through concrete. I was hospitalized, and was given aversion therapy in the form of drugs and electric shock treatments. Of course nothing worked; I ended up with an identity crisis that will follow me
to the grave. I have been in the care of 4 psychiatrists and 3 psychologists.

I divorced after 15 years but have never turned my back on my family nor my family responsibilities; my children know I'm gay.

I made many gay friends but had to attend funeral after funeral as these young people succumbed to that dreadful disease. In my late 70's now I have few friends; both gay people and straight people are uncomfortable with a gay married man. My Identity crisis has inhibited my ability to reach out and seek friendship. I joined the local men's shed but realized I had nothing in common with my fellow members. The men's shed is all about making wooden toys and not about relieving loneliness.

Increasingly, I feel the need to talk to someone . . . just to talk to someone. I don't mean to moan about my lot in life but . . . just to talk with someone.

I take pills for depression, anxiety, mood disorder and arthritic pain; but there's no pill available that is a cure for loneliness.

[white knight]

Hi Grazee

Your story interests me. See, joining the defence in the 1970's meant I soon also joined the culture of the homophobic and I'm not proud of that.

I began to change towards more understanding and acceptance as society changed but I was playing catch up.

Then a cousin first removed wanted to attend his first gay Mardi gras. He got a shock when his 3 brothers, their wives and his parents decided to join him. My gay cousin and his partner are an important part if my life but I'm ravaged with guilt from my younger days.

I'm happy for you to have reached out on this forum. I'm also happy to learn whatever I can to be able to connect and appreciate the struggles others like you have in our world.

Thankyou for sharing your story.

Tony WK