LONELINESS

[Grazee]

My story really starts in the 1950's when, as a teenager, I realized I was gay. Of course the term gay wasn't used then; homosexuals were demeaned with such adjectives as 'poofter', 'queer' or 'faggot'.

For some reason, my parents were strongly homophobic so any discussion of my situation was out of the question. It was a bitter time to be gay; to the police we were criminals, to the church we were both evil and sinners, and to the general population we were collectively despised. In fact being gay was tantamount to a death wish; gay bashing was universally encouraged.

Whether to be cured or to hide, I decided to get married; I had three kids. I managed to suppress my urges for some time but eventually the pressures grew too great and I had a complete breakdown. I tried to punch a hole through concrete. I was hospitalized, and was given aversion therapy in the form of drugs and electric shock treatments. Of course nothing worked; I ended up with an identity crisis that will follow me
to the grave. I have been in the care of 4 psychiatrists and 3 psychologists.

I divorced after 15 years but have never turned my back on my family nor my family responsibilities; my children know I'm gay.

I made many gay friends but had to attend funeral after funeral as these young people succumbed to that dreadful disease. In my late 70's now I have few friends; both gay people and straight people are uncomfortable with a gay married man. My Identity crisis has inhibited my ability to reach out and seek friendship. I joined the local men's shed but realized I had nothing in common with my fellow members. The men's shed is all about making wooden toys and not about relieving loneliness.

Increasingly, I feel the need to talk to someone . . . just to talk to someone. I don't mean to moan about my lot in life but . . . just to talk with someone.

I take pills for depression, anxiety, mood disorder and arthritic pain; but there's no pill available that is a cure for loneliness.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Grazee,

It is a bit of an honour for me to be the first saying welcome.

I'm gay, queer, you know one of those people who can't hide. My story begins at the time the laws began to change, but as you know it took some more years then that for things to ease up. I have an overseas criminal record thanks to a rather good looking Policeman in Hong Kong. Had my own experience of the bashings, evictions, and being forced out of jobs, I suspect that has all been part of the mental health problems.

I wouldn't be here without the LGBTI men and women from your generation. They taught me the skills to survive and thrive here in rural Australia. Being married is part of many of their stories too. In that world, it was survival, and often there was no other realistic choice. You hold the history of our community in the story of your life and we are all the richer for each part that you share.

I really admire your commitment to both your family and to the rest of us. We have many sections of the forums here on Beyond Blue and you are welcome in all of them. The gender and sexuality section is there for me and you and I would welcome your input there, and the community section is there for a good old natter. Your family matters as well, and I hope that where you feel comfortable they are part of the story too.

I really look forward to getting to know you on these forums.

Rob.

[Greyhound123]

Hello and welcome.

It is so terrible that society was like that in those days, and unfortunately some people still are now. I think it is incredibly admirable that you stood by your family and supported your children, something you should be very proud of. Have a read around and hopefully you find some things that interest you. I think you can talk about anything here, and even social chit chat. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Grazee]

Thank you Rob for contacting me.I don't believe that my story is unique; I'm sure there are many others like me who suffer their pain in silence. I can only tell you that when reading your comments I felt a surge of pleasure; I felt positive . . . . something that I've not experienced for some time. Thank You.

Your episode with the cop . . . was it entrapment? I know this was practiced by police around the world in those early dark days. What happened? I'd like to hear your story if it's not too painful.

I wish I had become involved with Beyond Blue before this. It's a relief to know that other people have stories to tell. I was going to reach out using 'Same Same' but in a stroke of very rare brilliance I thought of Beyond Blue.

To fill the loneliness void I've taken to wring gay stories which I have had published online. I love writing; its a great way to fill in the lonely hours. There are some really great stories to be found on the site.

Thanks again for making me feel good. I guess we'll keep in touch through the forums.

Graham

[Grazee]

Thanks for the welcome which gave me a degree of pleasure that I've not felt for some time. We all have stories to tell; each one is different and unique. They all have one thing in common though . . . they carry pain.

I guess I'll continue to natter with you through the forums; I do sincerely thank you for the welcome.

Graham

[DrTom]

Hi Graham,

I too am a formerly married gay man. I guess, since my parents are roughly your age, your kids are vaguely my age too. I grew up in a conservative family, that was more suspicious of gay people, rather than actively nasty too them - in fact they knew little of them. My dad, a retired GP, who worked in inner suburban Melbourne most of his working life, reckons he never knowingly had a gay patient.

I too was married for 15 years, and I came out about four and a half years ago, when my three kids were 9, 5 and 2. Like you, I remain very much in their lives. I have been very fortunate - my ex-wife has been amazingly supportive, even when we were both struggling to make sense of things in the first while after I came out.

As others have said, I feel a great debt to yours and the other previous generations of gay men (and all the other rainbow folks). You have endured cruelty, ostracism and misunderstanding that I have only had the smallest taste of (and that was bad enough!). You're certainly not alone in carrying the scars of that treatment. I look upon the changes in social acceptance even since I came out, and it gives me hope for the future.

A whimsical story for you: my first high school girlfriend had a gay father. I look back on that with a wry smile, since my daughter will be the same. I've tried hard to think back on that to recall what I thought of it at the time, and how it struck me, but I can't recall anything particular, so I must have taken it in my stride. I was so deeply closeted, that I don't think I related anything about myself to him.

Anyway, hang around. Swap stories.

Cheers,

Tom.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Graham,

This story is simple and short, I wasn't looking for anything just on my way home. It turns out that in Honkers that riding the last carriage of the trains is a place to meet other men. So when I got on the train I stood in the opposite door and looked around, a man caught my eye, he came over and we got talking, he suggested something and I followed. Then he introduced himself more formally, I had broken a bad law. It wasn't a terrible thing, I learned which carriage I preferred 😉

Sadly I don't think it is a unique story to be isolated, my hope is that it is becoming less commonplace. We are all in this life together I think.

Thankyou Tom, I rather like the whimsical story.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hi and welcome from me too Graham!

There are many kindred spirits here. Something resonated with me in one of your posts - paraphrased. Stories are unique but the commonly all carry pain. On a forum like this that's so true. The amazing thing is that sometimes those stories are like doves for some, as once written they can be released and don't necessarily need to affect other people negatively but can provide awe and hope.

Paul x

[Grazee]

Hey thanks Tom . . . . I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I'm writing my third gay romance novel and when the words start to flow I get immersed. How is your relationship with your parents; are they supportive? Do they understand the hell that gay people have to endure? My folks were homophobic and the subject of being gay never came up directly. My mother just said I was evil and that was that.

I have two sons and a daughter. At first it was very emotional but I just swallowed hard and hung in until they had grown up. They're still uncomfortable with the issue but try hard to make me comfortable. If you can I'd like to hear more about you and the kids.

Have you found someone to share your life with?

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Grazee,

I hadn't picked up on you being a writer. That is another thing for me to celebrate. One of the things that picks me up and drags me out of the dark places is a story told from a LGBTI perspective. Stories that include the experience you shared at the beginning of this thread give me a sense that LGBTI people have a history and have existed through time - they help me feel like I belong.

So umm... thankyou for writing for me and others in our community.

Rob.