Little things

Gruffudd · ‎23-09-2015

When I think about what gets to me it is not the big things like when I was beaten up for being gay or having abuse hurled out of a car window because I was holding a boyfriends hand, those things I don't like but can deal with. It's the little things, the comments, the silence when I walk into the tea room because they think I might be embarrassed by a conversation about straight stuff, when dad tells me how even though he opposes gay marriage he is now accepting of legalisation of homosexuality (20 years on but who's counting?), or today at lunch when I overheard a joke about lesbians being told at a bus stop. I wonder how I could better deal with them. My last boss told me to stop being a victim, but I don't think that is an answer, I resent that it OK to expect me to have to deal with all that. I try to let go of each thing but it all seems to build up. Any ideas?

justinok · ‎24-09-2015

Hey mate, there's a word for those things, it's called "microaggressions". And you're right, they do build up, it's like having paper cuts all over you. Your boss telling you to not be a victim is another exaample of one right there! It's a real problem in this country, especially with racist comments and attitudes too, the aggressors throw the attitudes and comments out there, and when they get pushback, they blame the victim for not accepting that "it's just banter". Really shits me.

Anyway, how do I cope? I try to challenge it as much as I can. Obviously you have to pick your battles, but 9 times out of 10 I feel a lot better when I call soemone out rather than sitting in silence. Just a couple of weeks ago at the footy I had a guy and his girlfriend sitting next to me and he yelled out "poofter" at one of the players. I just stared at him and said "do you mind not using that word, mate?" His response, "What?" He didn't EVEN KNOW what he was doing. he apologised and was silent for the rest of the match (probably helped that his girlfriend was with him, I don't know if I'd have been brave enough to say something if it was a bunch of drunk guys all together).

I know challenging this styuff isn't always good for the blood pressure, but i think so much of it comes down to ignorance. People who say this stuff are comfortable in their own little world, which they feel like they'rekings of, and if you challenge them, then it makes them feel uncomfortable. They'll think twice about doing it next time.

Gruffudd · ‎25-09-2015

Thanks, I think it does feel better to challenge when I can. You know it feels pretty good when I hear others challenge homophobia, racism, sexism too. It is a reminder that I am not alone and belong.

Rob.

justinok · ‎26-09-2015

I remember reading Ian Roberts bio years ago, and my favourite bit was when he was telling a story about being with some mates who get attacked by some bogans on Oxford St, yelling out homophobic stuff. He floored one of the lead attackers, and said to him something along the lines of "go home and tell your mates a faggot beat you up". I'm not advocating violence at all, but I got such a rush when I read that, cos I was quite young at the time and didnt feel I could challenge anyone. That really helped.

Clare1 · ‎26-09-2015

I'm a lot like you, Gruffudd. In fact I'm betting that there are thousands of people out there who feel just the same. Those of us who are more gender or sexually balanced (aka diverse) have to participate in the society we live in. Which means we're like fish in a fishbowl, swimming in the same water as all the scared, phobic, insensitive fish who haven't yet realised that it's ok to be different.

Me, I'm an out and proud transexual woman, loving my life since becoming my real self...when I walk out the door I consciously put on my imaginary cloak. And I adopt an attitude of loving forgiveness. I try to forgive the bigotry, the anger, the unkindness that I might face in my day. It makes me feel strong and safe. And the funny thing is, I really believe that I am protected by having that willingness to accept and forgive. I feel like a very young version of the Dalai LLama. And yes, I challenge people all the time, when I feel strongly enough about what they're saying or doing. So far, I haven't suffered any harm because of it, but I do pick my battles.

sidsthename · ‎07-10-2015

Hi Gruffudd,
I completely understand all the little things. Like justinok & Clare1 I call people out on it at times, and other times I try to ignore it. It's incredibly disrespectful of your boss to tell you to stop being a victim and I am actually horrified to read that.

I know I have to pick my battles. There was a friend of a friend who said on facebook he isn't against homosexuality he just believes gay marriage is "wrong", in that case I ignored it, there was no point in trying to argue with him. My sister once said "you should watch orange is the new black it's got lesbians in it so you'll like it" and I spoke to her about how inappropriate her comment was.

You aren't alone in this, and yes it really sucks.
But hopefully day by day things improve and homophobia or disrespectful remarks decrease.