LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place

[MsPurple]

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community.

A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations 🙂 Here you can ask questions about anything from questioning your sexuality/gender identity, coming out concerns, dating, mental health etc. If you are an ally (an Ally is a person who considers themselves a friend to the LGBTQ+ community) you are also welcome to come here to be a support to our community and ask questions as well. This is a supportive place for people to discuss their questions and concerns, we are not a place of judgement. As Thumper from the movie Bambi said "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

If you are looking for a more social and light hearted conversation might I suggest joining us on the thread under BB social/rainbow cafe. Copy and paste the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything

Feel free to introduce yourself below and ask any question/s

I thought I'd answer one common question in the intro post and this is one I have heard a lot. What do the letters mean? When referring to the community it is shortened to LGBT+ as there are more letters than just the 4. I have put some of the common ones here: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual Two-spirited Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally Pansexual Agender Gender Queer

Welcome everyone and hope to see you around on this thread and around the BB forums

MP 🙂

[startingnew]

Hi Chloe

i think the most important thing is that your comfortable within yourself no matter what your sexuality is. personally i dont find labels for this helpful and would rather go with the flow but others may find it different. some people just like the physical appearances and find them 'hot', some just want to give the experience a go, others are certain that having a relationship with the same sex is what they want.

its perfectly normal to question your sexuality no matter your age and although your best friend might not like it, if that is who you are then you shouldnt have to change that to suit someone else. you might be surprised that he will just accept that is who you are, we still live in the society where its not fully accepted- that unacceptance isnt yours to own though.

I guess if you found a girl crush and the feelings were reciprocated and you were comfortable in dating her then i say go for it. you wont find out unless you give it ago, if you enter that relationship and find its not for you then thats ok too. i would be honest with her though and let her know that this is/would be your first relationship with another female.

[Chloe_M]

Hi starts,

Thank you for the reply. I agree that I do not need a label, and that as long as I'm comfortable then that’s okay.
I also agree that I shouldn't change myself to suit my best friend, I'm not sure I'd even call him that anymore, he's changed so much and all of our friends are a bit wary now. There's no way I'm changing myself to suit him. He already previously had so much control over my life and looking back it was scary and all of my friends could see that he wasn't and isn't the person I thought he was. So if he has a problem with it then he needs to fix him. Not me.

I understand that there are many people who do not accept LGBTQI+ people and people of alternate genders. I do, but one of my friends doesn't, as well as my best friend/no longer best friend/ex. At school, the word 'gay' is used to describe things. Like one boy (its usually boys) will go 'oh, that’s so gay', it doesn't even make sense. As well as being offensive, its funny because they sound so stupid.

I think that if I did develop a girl crush and they returned the feelings then maybe I would give it a go. There's no harm in experimenting and if I was comfortable then maybe I would.

Thanks again for the reply, it has helped me set my thinking straight.
Chloe xoxoxo

[startingnew]

Your welcome Chloe, im glad i could help 🙂

[MsPurple]

HI Chloe and welcome

I was in similar shoes to you. I liked boys so what did that mean? I wasn't lesbian? It took me a while to accept I liked both. For me (not saying everyone needs to do this) I had to talk to a therapist about it (note was actually seeing them about anxiety, but knew I needed to accept my sexuality to learn to love myself). I am now proud of my bisexuality. Have I told all my friends? No. I am nervous about telling one of my best friends, but I am guessing she knows. I know she is very straight, but I also know she has gay friends. But I know she is a real friend so it will be ok. If they are your true friends they'll accept you for who you are.

I don't necessarily agree with people using 'gay' in the way you mentioned but I do know how common it is. I don't think people mean it in an offensive way to homosexuals, however I do agree it is something we do need to change as a society. A lot of the time I interpret it as happy.

I am glad you have come here. Figuring out sexuality is a journey. I only accepted it when I was 23, its ok to take your time. It is also ok to not want a title. Everyone is unique 🙂

[Only_I_know]

Hey all, new to this thread, I've been posting a bit on one i started a few mths ago.

I've joined an lgbt group to get out and meet new like minded people, not to look for a relationship or anything else, just make friends in this new world that I'm finding myself in. Having only come out 3 mths ago to my wife of 20years, I'm not sure that I'm ready for anything other than friends, but I guess in the right circumstance and with the right person - well who knows.

So something happened tonight, I got a phone call from one of the guys from the group, he's on older chap by about 20years, and I think he was asking me out, though not 100% sure. I don't want to sound mean, but I'm not interested in him at all, other than as friends. He knows that I still live with my wife and kids, and not moving out for a couple more months. My wife actually picked up my phone and answered the call and now I feel awkward, I felt I had to explain to her.

Having never explored my sexuality, I have no idea on anything, and it's been 25years since the dating scene. Everything is scary.

I know I'd prefer someone around my own age (mid 40's), and probably someone inexperienced like me, so we don't have to worry about expectations etc.

I'm feeling a little disconcerted now, I don't know how to act. I politely thanked and said I was busy, but don't know how to approach the situation nicely and not awkwardly but remain friendly.

I don't even know if he was asking me out, or just being friendly and maybe I'm overthinking it.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thanks!

Daz

[Just Sara]

Hi Daz;

Ha! The dating scene? Scary Mary! ah ha ha..

I totally understand your uncertainty as well as running at the first sign of interest from someone. I had a pic in my mind of a cartoon character hiding from a ringing phone and panicking. 😛

It's all a matter of chemistry by trial and error. What you disclosed to your wife was about the most scariest stuff you'll ever have to deal with psychologically. So meeting someone for a coffee wouldn't be that bad when you think about it eh?

You've got the 'what-if's' rampaging in your head hun. This guy who contacted you (or someone you click with) could end up being an amazing friend, confidante and teacher. Learning via his life experience could be a ticket to a more comfortable transition for you. At least I hope it could be. You won't know until you try.

Take it slow... enjoy the ride. Protect yourself physically and emotionally by being more alert to behaviours that might be red flags ok. Anything that gets your gut churning (not butterflies) should be acknowledged. As your confidence grows, so will your ability to recognise certain behaviours and personality types and deal with them effectively.

Until then, one day at a time my sweet. Learn to add and subtract before you can do scientific notation. 😄

Might poke my head into your thread one day soon.

The world is your oyster...

Sez

[Only_I_know]

Hey Sez, thanks for posting your thoughts!

Yes I definitely have the what ifs! I like this guy as a friend, but definitely don't feel any other connection at all. Now I don't know if it is due to being totally terrified and uncertain! But at this point I'm not attracted to him at all. Of course, that could change over time as you get to know someone, but my gut tells me differently. It could also be that I'm just not ready.

I'll definitely take it slow! My psychologist tells me that I shouldn't be looking for a relationship, just go out and enjoy the physical. Because I have not explored anything ever - it does really scare me. I've only ever known one person, and that was my wife, so I have the uncertainty of inexperience double fold!

I can't really allow myself to even think about it much yet, not while I'm living with my family. I don't want them wondering where I am or what I'm doing, they don't need to think about that. I think even going to a club and just having a drink and mingling might be a great idea. I think I need a wing man! Well, saying that, I have had a friend say she will come along with me - so a wing-woman!

Well if you look at my thread, it's still going current and think easy to find. I'm well and truly past the real nasty scary stuff and feeling very positive about life now, and find myself helping others in their journey, as others helped me.

And I'm looking forward to finding the pearl too!

Daz

[Just Sara]

Oh Daz...you ARE the pearl! 🙂

[Only_I_know]

Haha Sez, that is absolutely beautiful. You've made my night. The biggest smile on my face right now. Thank you!

Daz

[C4]

Hi mate my situation was the same as yours I only had one partner in my life and that was my wife and it took 12 months before I did anything sexual with a man . To say that I was nervous was an understatement to say the least I didn’t know that what I desired in secret I could have the courage to follow through with . Yes the inexperience was what was on my mind and whether or not that would be a turn off for a guy . Also whether or not I could perform as well from the nerves . I feel a sense of shame to have had to pay for the experience as it is not how I wanted it to be for the first time . It was ok but not what I really wanted overall such as the intimacy and connection so I guess it plays on my mind still that I might not get that and it’s sad . I too met up with a friend on an lgbt group and we got on really well and had a connection as friends but he had a cold and I was messaging to see how he was then he sort of wiped me and it hurt he thought I had more feelings for him and all I wanted was to be friends. It made me feel like no one understands what I’m going through so I’ve been on a downer lately to be rejected by someone who is like yourself really affected me more than I thought. So don’t rush mate and let your feelings get hurt like I did it only adds to your anxiety. We’re not so different you and me the similarities are striking so I know how things are . Trust your gut if it doesn’t feel right don’t do it mate .