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I think my long term relationship is under threat! It's all me. I need help!

Guest_2514
Community Member
 
2 Replies 2

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion
Dear Guest_2514

Feelings and desires are not a betrayal, they are part of life and in this case can be a natural extension of trying to help and protect your friend. When one becomes closely involved in the troubles of someone you like and try to protect them there is a tendency to become a lot closer to that person, and even to feel the difficulties they have as almost as if it was you.

It is a short step from there to a fantasy where you and your friend are way from these all too real problems. The boundaries between help and friendship and affection for a friend have been blurred by becoming so involved.

You are not alone in this, it happens to many people, for example doctors or psychs can become bound up in their client’s lives leading to overstepping the mark with ill consequences for all.

I can point out from what you’ve said that your friend loves her partner and kids, and you love yours, and the idea of going away with her simply does not fit, it is a great wish at the moment, but it is your wish, not your friends and if it were to come about, how do you think you, and she, would feel once the first flush of escape had passed.

It can be easy to take what we have for granted, and undervalue love, support and the comfort of an existing relationship. You yourself realized there was a friendship line and are now in your thoughts beyond it.

What to do? Well I can’t tell you that, I can suggest that perhaps paying more attention to your partner and her needs may show you shortfalls in her life you can help to give her ease with support and affection.

Consciously trying to do things together that you both enjoy, hopefully sometimes with the kids, and at the same time giving your friend more room to solve her own problems.

I’d think this last one is most important, for her to navigate the downsides in her own life for herself can only do her good in the long term, your taking over is doing her no favors, reasonable help, as you started out giving, is of course fine and on which friendships prosper.

So what do you think?

Croix

Guest_2514
Community Member
Thank you.
I think a lot of what you wrote has helped to put things into perspective for me.
Though I don't believe I'm taking over as you stated. She most definitely needs my help and support and often seeks me out for comfort. If I was taking over, I would have thought she would back off reaching out for me. But instead we text or talk until the early hours of the night.
I agree with what you said about trying to find things to do and ways to connect with my partner. We just go about our life and most of the time don't even interact with each other.
Most days I believe my friend is only interested in friendship. But there are times where I question if friendship is all she wants due to her actions or something she says. And then, I start wondering if I am reading more into it because part of me wants to believe there is more to it.
All I know is right now, she is all I think about, and i prefer her company over my partners company.