I think I may be bisexual

[Guest_294]

Hi beyond blue. I (24F) have been on and off this forum for years with various relationship strains. I have had toxic relationships and painful relationships and relationships that seemed good on the outside but just felt wrong internally. My last post was about my most recent relationship with S (26M). I broke it off for a number of reasons but primarily because I felt like I was losing a part of myself to the relationship. I felt like I didn’t know myself whilst I was with him. I have been in a series of long term relationships since I was 18 and am really genuinely single and enjoying that for the first time in my adult life. 

Recently I met a new friend, L (25F). L and I hit it off really quickly. After we met at an event, the next time we hung out, it was just the two of us and we were talking for the better part of 5 hours, until the early hours of the morning. I feel like she gets me and my brain. We share so many of the same interests, get excited about the same inane shit, and listen to each other passionately rant and rave about whatever hyper fixation we have each caught onto that day. We have since hung out every week, and generally for far longer than is reasonable. 

When I first met L, we talked about her experience of coming out and discovering her sexuality. It was something I had never considered before but as I started talking about certain things it started to make me reflect on recent experiences... The concert that I went to and felt like the female opener was more than just my normal observation of a girl being pretty, but instead I found her really hot. Or dancing with a girl at a club recently (I was quite drunk) and feeling like I really wanted to kiss her. I hope none of that sounded too vulgar, I am just trying to explain where my mind is right now. 

The more I think about this, the more I’m starting to feel like the way I feel towards L is more than just friendship. Every time I see her or even think about her I feel like I get nervous butterflies. We are very touchy friends and always cuddling up whenever we’re together or sitting very close. Every time she tells me something about herself I feel myself fixating on it. For example, we recently went to the aquarium together and there was an animal she wanted to see that wasn’t there. I immediately wanted to look up the feeding schedule and figure out when would be the best next time to go. She is so pretty and I get giddy talking to her. Even just typing this out I am feeling all giddy and happy.

Part of me feels like this all sounds very transparent and I do have a crush on her but the other part of me thinks I have this tendency to form very intense friendships and over attach to people, particularly female friendships. I also am fairly recently out of a serious relationship with a man so maybe I am filling a gap???

I have never questioned my sexuality before but now I find myself thinking about it all the time. I keep trying to pay attention to people around me and see if I feel attracted to the women I am walking past as well as the men but I generally don’t feel attraction that quickly regardless and it always takes me a while. I don’t really notice it in passing. So it’s hard for me to figure out if this is just about L or if it’s something more. 

The other really dumb angle of this is I consume a ton of queer media. I always find myself really drawn to the queer relationships (real or unreal) in media that I consume. I listen to a lot of queer musicians and influencers. So part of me is scared I might be projecting from the media that I consume to my own life. 

I’m so sorry this is so rambly but I am pleading for help! Sincerely a person who is thoroughly confused at the big age of 24 to be realising she might find her new friend really hot. 

[Flowergirl97]

Hey, just want to say this all sounds very normal and completely valid. Have had similar thoughts myself and have just come to the conclusion that relationships are a bit confusing because no one can read minds, which is probably a good thing because taking time to really understand someone is what makes relationships so special. So don’t be too hard on yourself no matter who you’re interested in. 
It sounds like you have a good amount of self awareness and you could be curious to see where things go with this girl. It’s easy to get stuck in your head when things are uncertain- are you bisexual and do you want to pursue things with this girl- but I would say take a few small steps to test things out before obsessing about the unknown. It’s so easy to waste time on the ‘what if…’ and not actually do anything about your feelings. Try finding a few things to do like attending a casual queer event in your area, ask this girl to hang out just the two of you a bit more and see how that makes you feel, and talk to any other queer friends you might have about what you’re going through even just to say that you’re figuring things out right now without feeling pressured to label yourself, just small things that could help you understand yourself better. Trust me, I’ve spent wayyyy too long in my head and not actually done things that would have helped and it’s only left me feeling isolated and even more confused. Doing small things to figure out your identity is the way to go, and also way more fun than just mulling things over 🙂