I’m really confused

[Stuck_in_the_closet]

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for years. A while ago, I was convinced I was straight. But then I realised some things that didn’t match:


1) As a female, I lacked the sexual attraction to any males I knew. I considered if I was asexual but quickly realised I didn’t connect with the label. However, although I don’t think I have sexual attraction for males I do recognise when a male is attractive. Sometimes I would feel nervous/get butterflies when talking to males, but I avoid talking to people often regardless. On top of that, I can’t tell if my previous male ‘crushes’ where just due to comphet, as I didn’t ever want to kiss them or even dream of taking things further, and I didn’t feel put out in the least when they began dating other people.

2) I always appreciated the female figure more, even when I thought I was straight. I even remember wondering why females were so much more beautiful than males

3) I’ve fantasised about both males and females, but the fantasies of males have always been related to things consumed through the media and society and so I can’t tell how I really feel about it.

4) When I thought I was straight, every time I pictured the ‘ideal’ partner it was always what so sorry dictated was the perfect body, perfect personality, etc. but societies dictations aren’t even a consideration for me when I picture a female partner.

5) Often I end up watching the female characters in movies rather than the males. And, the typical males in movies generally don’t take my interest at all. I’ve watched movies before when I was more focused on one actress than the actual movie itself.


However:
1) I go through times when I am 100% certain I’m lesbian, but then I convince myself otherwise and it really confuses me. Some days I’m ‘certain’ that I like males, and then I’m just not. It really confuses me.

2) I also feel pressure to not come out because when I was much younger I had a few people ask if I was gay and I said no, because at that point that’s what I had whole heartedly believed, but now I feel like because I said I was straight before.

3) And, despite what I said earlier I can’t help but think what if I’m wrong and I’m straight, or what if I’m only considering my sexuality because Of my awareness of the LGBTQ+ community

4) And most of all I’m also very concerned about coming out in case I realise I’m wrong or I don’t actually like females and I was wrong.

Any insight or advise, I’m really confused.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Whatever your sexualising is, it ideally should be celebrated and the journey experienced in an exciting way.

You are one in 9 billion people and no one else is like you, unique and wonderful. Some people with such confusion treat their sexualising desires like fluid, sometimes pro male other times pro female and that swinging can change over time to settle on one sex eventually. Again, it OK,

If you feel like you need more help a GP is your first point of call for a referral.

Good luck and love yourself.

TonyWK

[Positive_vibes89]

Stuck_in_the_closet, you appreciate the beauty of men and woman and so do I too.I find some woman attractive but I dont really have any sexual urges towards them, that is how I know I am a straight woman. I can tell you there have been points in my life when I have questioned my sexuality, but the idea of being sexually active with another woman repulses me. (Again that is how I know I am straight.) I think the best way to decide what you sexually desire to kiss a male or a female. I belive part of finding out what you identify is about experimentation. But please if you decide to do this, partake in safe sex with potectional measures.

There are so many ways people identify themselves these day, we have become more acceptable towards people in the LGBTQ+ community. As white knight has suggested you could also talk to your GP, your local sexual health clinic or a psychologist that specialises in LGBTQ+ community. There is no time limit as to when you need to come out, find out who you are first.

All the best and be kind to yourself.

[Positive_vibes89]

Dear Stuck_in_the_closet,

I would like to recommend some supports that you can have a look into or connect to if you feel the need. https://qlife.org.au/get-help

https://touchbase.org.au/

[geoff]

Hello Stuck_in_the_closet, it doesn't matter what sexuality you believe you are, if you're heterosexual don't you still wish you had the body of the person you're looking at or hoped you were as beautiful and/or handsome as them, but it doesn't mean that you want to be their partner.

Alternatively, you could be going out with the best looking person, same sex, that still won't mean that your personalities are aligned together or whether the two of you disagree about everything or perhaps a plain looking person is your ideal partner, that's your choice and you won't know until you go out with them.

Just remember not everybody, same sex or the opposite, may attract us at the beginning but their personality may be the ideal person.

Geoff.

[YorkeYorke]

Hi & thanks so much for your post. I thought it would bring some comfort to you (as it did me) to highlight some of your points that I felt really similar to, just to know you're not alone. These things you said I felt were much like me:

"I lacked the sexual attraction to any males I knew. I considered if I was asexual but quickly realised I didn’t connect with the label. However, although I don’t think I have sexual attraction for males I do recognise when a male is attractive (aesthetic attraction?). Sometimes I would feel nervous/get butterflies when talking to males, but I avoid talking to people often regardless." (yes! when I'm uncomfortable in social situations normally, it is hard to distinguish what is nerves and what is a lack of interest!)

"I go through times when I am 100% certain I’m lesbian, but then I convince myself otherwise and it really confuses me. Some days I’m ‘certain’ that I like males, and then I’m just not. It really confuses me." (this flipping between thinking I'm straight, bi or gay happens to me almost daily, sometimes more than once in a day. I feel gay the least out of the three labels but as I'm constantly unsure, who knows lol. The most challenging aspect of this for me is talking to people in online dating and planning a date, only to not feel attracted to the person later, and then continue to change my mind etc.)

3) And, despite what I said earlier I can’t help but think what if I’m wrong and I’m straight, or what if I’m only considering my sexuality because Of my awareness of the LGBTQ+ community (Yes sometimes I wonder if an openness and acceptance of the idea means I am less sure of who I am)

4) And most of all I’m also very concerned about coming out in case I realise I’m wrong or I don’t actually like females and I was wrong. (Yes! I've had thoughts about it for 5 years, more-so the last year, and I still doubt myself about what to do... for now I haven't)

Anyway this post doesn't bring answers, but hopefully helps you feel even a little more at ease 🙂

[tmas]

Every single thing you’ve said here rings true for me, or at least did, and I never told anyone about it until I had other queer/questioning female friends in my late teens.

Maybe it’s different for you, but I found that the entire fear that one day I’d suddenly be sure I was straight and I’d have deceived people for years and they’d judge me for it was based in internalised homophobia and self doubt/hate, not to mention all the subtle things I was being fed by those closest to me about queer people being conceited or self-righteous for using ‘labels’. The fear still pops up occasionally but the truth is it’s entirely useless and doesn’t allow you to explore yourself and form your own identity.

In my teens I dated for the first time (a guy) and I forced myself into the relationship because I reasoned I should/could be attracted to him, which made me doubt myself even more. My next experience with a female barely clarified things as I let my fears about my identity get in the way of my own growth or learning.

Something magical happened over time though where I realised it really didn’t matter. Now I’d call myself bisexual, but it’s not something I often share - I mention this because I had a preconception of the word, as do many people, and I had to learn the hard way that preconceptions just aren’t useful when conceptualising terms and labels relating to an individual identity or anything so abstract and varied.

So I let go, and now I try to follow the reciprocated chemistry that actually indicates attraction and potential for a relationship. I’m (very happily) seeing a guy now even though there have been periods of time when I was entirely apathetic to the idea. And honestly I sometimes find that attraction takes different forms with different people (personally, sexual attraction can be more immediate with women and more slowly developed with men, but that’s just me! It’s entirely normal for a person to simply not be attracted to a gender).

In the end you may be lesbian, or not, and it all depends on how you want to define that word and also yourself. But in the meantime, focus on being happy and compassionate to yourself. The word or label doesn’t have to be strictly defined in one way (nor do you!), and it never will be because every human experience varies. Life isn’t about certainty, it’s about the exact opposite, and living life with all its uncertainty and a sense of fulfilment is the goal.

My advice: express yourself first, define later.

[Trans22]

Everyone makes mistakes, so why are you worried about being wrong.
I've been wrong about my sexuality many times - I went from believing that I was heterosexual (male), bisexual (male), gay (male), to now heterosexual (female).  Trying to label my sexuality led to many years of confusion and depression.  Turns out that my original belief of heterosexual was correct, it was my gender assumption that was wrong.
I know I have my gender sorted now, because being a woman is instinctive for me.  I know I'm heterosexual, because I stopped thinking about women in a sexual way the same day that I accepted that my gender was female.