I don’t know who I am

[Papercup]

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah,

I’m only now realising that taking a break from the thread wasn’t really necessary. I mean hey, the thread helps me cope a lot better than pretty much anything else I’ve got going for me so why stop?

I think that going back to my old school is actually a good idea, I’ve put a lot of thinking into it and in regards to my education and social life it would be pretty beneficial. I just don’t know how good of a coming out environment that would be as I’m not sure if it’s an accepting school and my peers have known me as a person I’m not for almost 5 years. Though I think that once the school issues are out of the way things will get a lot better for me, and if it doesn’t that’s also fine, I can’t get it all perfect.

I only feel the pressure to come out so much now because I’m so built up inside, I’m holding on so much at the moment, my whole identity is inside of me with no where to project to. I know I shouldn’t pressure myself this much but I really can’t help it, I’m working towards coming out and I know I need to give it time and stop overthinking it in order to have the best outcome.

Thank you so much for always supporting and helping me with things like this, I really appreciate you being here for me x

- Elioo xxx

[eight]

i'll apologise for not replying. i feel too busy and exhausted to sit myself down and focus hard enough to write somethin proper. good to see you again elio

that's good about moving schools. i struggle a lot w the idea of most of these people have known me since 11 or 13 and trying to assert myself as you Will call me this that i don't bring it up because maybe i'm too short on bravery or the energy to do the calculations or play the reaction guessing game. tbh seeing the recent episode about elon musk having a kid and whatever he named his son gives me a second wind in "nobody is allowed to Question My Authority on this name" if those bizzaro elon replyguys treat the baby like the second coming without batting an eye. it gives me so much retroactive dignity

im trying to form an actual like, statement i think that must be the word on paragraph 3 but i can't find any way how to turn "):" into words what the hell. i projected ideas i can't say through. it through used a burner gmail and its a drive entirely for the thoughts ive written i dont particularly want on a main account

it's half past 1am its getting so late. i need to stop now. i keep trying to tell myself to go to bed at 10 or 11 because i struggle to get up in the mornings now but its later and later with me

[eight]

yall ever uhhh accidentally mash the reply button prematurely

re that third paragraph i half typed out: i projected ideas i couldn't say in. a lot of unhealthy manners. but i try to express it as much as i can when i write and scribble and dress. i think i mentioned it before. how all i want is a good dress shirt. but i know you mgith not have my leniency or the. just the wardrobe in general so it can't apply to you. i set up burner gmails and have google drives full of writings and vents and self-projection things i'd write up. currently im too preoccupied working with some ocs slowly morphing themselves from edgy vent ocs with little personality rather than what i needed to feel better at that moment and being hopelessly depressed to actual characters fitting into a universe and story it's difficult kneading them into shape and also really inchresting when you start adding up the wordcount for all the docs you've written up. inspiration just strikes you when you keep using the same structure for Internalised Vent #3.txt

gnight elio mate